Stronger than Whiskey
by Xanrivash
Summary: Axel won't admit his drinking is out of control, until one alcoholic rampage nearly ends in tragedy. Now he's faced with the toughest mission of his existence: give up the bottle, and prove he's stronger than whiskey.
1. The Epiphany

Axel didn't drink all that often. Just when he was out with the guys at a bar, or when he'd had a really bad day - though it seemed he'd been having a lot of bad days lately. And frankly, days didn't come much worse than finding Larxene in bed with Marluxia. Getting kicked out of the bar for threatening the bartender when he got cut off hadn't helped his mood.

And maybe the two events had been three weeks apart, and the later of them had been three weeks ago. That wasn't important; they were still connected.

That bitch. That fucking bitch. Fine, she could have the candy-haired bastard. If she was so fucking stupid as to want him, she fucking deserved him. He didn't want anything to do with her anymore. To hell with her. To hell with both of them.

Why the fuck had she done that? He'd thought they had something...

Dammit, she was doing this to him. Started bitching about how he got drunk every damn night - he didn't. He never drank that fucking much. Well, not normally, but he'd been having a run of bad days. He had reason to drink. The bitch should have been understanding, not - well, bitchy. But she'd dumped him for that - flowery jackass - and now it was all her fault he was drunk.

How often had he been drinking before that? A few times a week - two, three - maybe four - his famous memory was failing him, clouded by whiskey. Well, now it was damn near every night. He hoped that bitch was proud of herself.

It had been six fucking weeks. Why the fuck couldn't he just let it go?

Shit. The bottle was empty.

He dropped it on the floor, kicked it under the bed, and started searching for another one. Fuck it all, he didn't know where he'd stashed the other bottles. He'd had to hide them, to get Roxas to stop bitching at him about it and make him think he'd gotten rid of them, and now he couldn't remember where the fuck he'd put them.

"Axel, what are - oh, no..."

He hit his head on the underside of the desk when he tried to stand up, which only made his mood even worse. He didn't need to look up to know who that was - Demyx, the little chickenshit. What sort of sadistic bastard had put him in the room next to the pathetic wuss? Why the fuck did they even keep the little asshole around? He was so weak, so useless, so..._beautiful_...

The worthless little coward was actually sweating as Axel grabbed his collar. "Maybe...y'do have...one use."

"Axel, what are you doing?!" Demyx tried to get away, tried to run like the coward he was, but a quick fist to the face made him hold still for a few moments. By the time Axel had his robe unzipped, he was struggling again. Actually getting it off turned into a wrestling match - by the end, Demyx was flat on the floor, minus his robe and the T-shirt that had been under it, and Axel was straddling him. The sheer terror in those sea-blue eyes was like fuel to flame. "Axel! Please! Stop!"

This was even better than Larxene - she was never submissive, had never been afraid of him, never gave him the chance to really dominate like he deserved. He wrapped his hands around the struggling Nocturne's throat, ignoring how he tried to cry out, tried to pry his hands away, and only let go when his eyelids fluttered and drooped. He didn't mean to kill the rat, just get him to quit fighting for a bit. "That shut ya' up, li'l runt?" he cooed. While Demyx was gasping for breath, unable to move, Axel took the opportunity to remove his own clothing. He was down to his boxers when Demyx tried to get up and run away. "Don'...fuckin'...do that!" Axel shoved him headfirst into the wall, then followed it up with a blow to the jaw. While Demyx reeled, stunned, Axel quickly mashed their lips together. He was already burning with anticipation and desire, for the chance to slide more than his tongue into that slender body, to use the worthless Nocturne as he was meant to be used...and then Demyx bit his tongue. Hard.

Axel yelped and involuntarily pulled away. This time, he found himself being shoved into the wall. "Leave me alone!" Demyx screamed hysterically.

"You...li'l...bashard..." A quick burst of flame flashed across the room; Demyx was too slow to avoid it completely. That ridiculous hairstyle he'd been so fond was ruined, and he was blistered from head to upper chest. While he staggered, Axel grabbed him by the throat again and shoved him up against the wall - with his back to the wall, but he'd turn him around soon enough, once he got those pants off. His hand reached down to investigate - yes, getting Demyx's pants off would be like getting the lid off a treasure chest. And boy, did he want what was inside.

"Axel, what are you doing?" The miserable coward was sobbing now, bawling like a little girl.

Axel tried to lick his ear, but found it covered in molten plastic. Disgusting. "I'm gonna fuck you," he whispered. He licked his burned, blistered cheek instead, ignoring the whimpers of pain, then thrust his hand down the front of Demyx's pants.

Needless to say, he wasn't expecting the fist.

* * *

Whatever he'd done this time, Axel had gone too far. Much too far.

Roxas had been awakened at 2:00 in the morning entirely too often recently, as Demyx called on him for shelter from Axel's alternately violent and amorous drunken outbursts. About one time in three, he was called on for care and comfort as well - he'd gained a lot of experience in icing bruises, soothing mild burns, and talking away fears. This time, he'd needed to wake Vexen up; Demyx had come knocking on his door with not just the usual bruises, but a serious burn on one side of his face and across his chest and shoulder. His hearing aid on that side had been melted to his skin, and Vexen had needed to freeze it solid and remove it quickly, or Demyx would have lost his hearing in that ear permanently, in a way that hearing aids couldn't compensate for. The whole time, the abused Nocturne - what Axel was doing to him definitely reeked of systematic abuse - Demyx had been remarkably calm and composed, until they'd returned to Roxas's room. Then he'd collapsed.

"It's okay. You're safe now. He's not getting in here," Roxas whispered into Demyx's intact hearing aid. Demyx had to be a good three or four years his senior, but he was sobbing in the Key of Destiny's arms like a little child, completely helpless. "What'd he do to you this time?"

Demyx could barely get three words out at once. "I...he...he wanted to...he tried to...Ax...why?...Rox...help me..." His voice was weak and strained, and not just from tears - apparently one of Axel's favorite tactics was to go for the throat.

Whatever Axel had done this time, that was enough. He couldn't answer for Demyx, but Roxas was just about done forgiving him. For now, all he could do was wait patiently for Demyx to calm down on his own - nothing and no one was going to comfort him any sooner. "Think you'll be all right?" he asked as Demyx's breathing grew a little less ragged and the tears stopped flowing quite so freely.

"I...I dunno, Rox." Demyx shook his head and shifted himself onto the floor. "I dunno if it's ever gonna be all right again. I mean, I know he was drunk off his ass, but..."

"What did he do?" Roxas asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer. Demyx stared at him for a good five seconds, then mumbled something too soft to hear. "What?"

"He tried to rape me."

"..._What?!_"

Demyx was starting to sob again, upset all over again by being forced to repeat those five words. "He tried to rape me."

So the violent and amorous outbursts had coincided. Roxas had never realized before that the phrase "seeing red" referred to a genuine phenomenon, until his vision was suddenly clouded with scarlet. "...Wait right here. I'm gonna kill him."

Demyx caught his hand as he tried to stand up. "Rox -"

"Did he do it? Just answer honestly, yes or no - _did he do it?!_"

Demyx shook his head slowly. "No. I knocked him out."

"Oh...that's good..." Maybe he wouldn't kill Axel right away.

Demyx was blinking furiously and holding his forehead. "Rox...I...I think I'm gonna have a seizure..."

Every time it happened, they were grateful he got a little warning before the storm. By the time the convulsions hit, Demyx was lying on his side on Roxas's bed, where he was unlikely to hurt himself or anyone else while his body was no longer under his control. During the "grace period" afterwards, after the shaking had stopped but before Demyx came to, Roxas ducked into the bathroom and knocked on the closed door opposite his own. Luckily Fori was nocturnal by nature. If Axel was still out cold, this would be easy.

* * *

_...Then again, maybe I am doing this a little too often._

"This", in Axel's case, was "waking up hungover on the floor wearing little besides his own vomit and not remembering how he got there". Kingdom Hearts, that stank. His carpet was an absolute mess. And he still didn't remember where the rest of his stash was, which was too bad, because he could use a "hair of the dog". Standing up slowly, to reduce the strain on his pounding head, he staggered into the bathroom to shower. Once upon a time, Demyx's bathroom door had been left open as often as it was closed, unless the bathroom was occupied. Now, it was always closed, and locked. Demyx never used to lock his door.

Axel sighed heavily as the water washed the filth off his skin - his friend had changed. He used to be so friendly and open - now he seemed to be scared of everything and everyone except Roxas - especially Axel. Hell, half the time he didn't even sleep in his own room, but in Roxas's. What the hell was he so scared of that he didn't feel safe in his own bed anymore? At least not having that stereo on next door was better for his hangover, Axel thought as he toweled himself off. His eye caught the mirror - and he stopped.

_I. Look. Fucking. Awful._

It wasn't just the mottled bruises on his face, or the crusted blood from his nose and lip that hadn't been washed off completely, or his red eyes - those could be explained by a barfight and a hangover, respectively. Underneath his recent injuries, he looked like a cancer patient - sallow, emaciated, frail, like he only had six months to live. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

The door opened suddenly. "You have a shitload of acetaldehyde in your system and virtually no glucose? I hope you didn't get so drunk you forgot where you put your candy supply."

Axel stared blankly at the other reflection in the mirror. "Fori, what the hell are you doing in Demyx's room?"

The demon Nobody smirked, revealing a mouthful of sharp teeth. "He and I have traded rooms temporarily."

Axel turned around and looked at him directly. "...In Kingdom Hearts's name, why?"

"Ask Roxas. It was his idea. This is presuming he'll still talk to you. By the way, drinking like a fish like you do is a great way to make sure your blood glucose is bottomed out all the time." The door shut just as suddenly as it had opened.

"I do not drink like a fish," Axel muttered. Then the rest of what he'd said hit him - first, that he had really low blood glucose and needed some sugar in his system pronto, and second, that Roxas had recommended Demyx stay the hell away from him. _Why the fuck would he do something like that?!_

As he stumbled back into his room to get dressed and find some of the hard candy he used to bring his blood glucose back up quickly, the first thing he noticed was that the floor was littered with empty bottles.

Demyx only took shelter in Roxas's room when Axel had been drinking heavily. And it had gotten to the point where he'd traded rooms with Foriuxocol - so Demyx would now have the room next to Roxas.

_I need a drink._

Something finally clicked. _I've just about decided that I'm having and causing all kinds of problems because I've been drinking too much, and my first thought is "I need a drink". I really do have a problem._

* * *

The large dining table where the Organization ate their communal meals was big enough for over twenty people, luckily. When it was seating thirteen, that gave Roxas ample opportunity to find a free seat far away from the one he'd been sitting in almost ever since he joined - the one right next to where Axel usually sat. The desperate looks Axel kept giving him across the table were met with furious glares. He tried to distract himself from how bored and lonely he felt by eating and thinking how Axel deserved to suffer for what he'd been doing.

But if anyone asked, he wasn't mad at Axel. And he didn't know where Demyx was - probably sleeping in. Well, he was; after a seizure, his natural inclination was to go right to natural sleep as soon as possible, so Roxas hadn't seen fit to wake him up, as long as he was still breathing all right.

After breakfast, his first priority was to go back and check on him, but Axel kept following him down the hallway, looking like a beaten dog. That didn't improve Roxas's mood any. "Has it occurred to you yet that I'm not exactly happy with you?"

"Yes, it has, and I don't blame you. I'm not entirely thrilled with myself either."

"Then why don't you go console yourself with a bottle or something?" Roxas said, not turning around or even breaking stride. He knew that was exactly what Axel would do, eventually; no matter how much he, Demyx, Larxene, or anyone else had tried to get him to give it up, he just kept drinking. Good luck if he tried to break into Demyx's room now; Fori would drain the blood out of his head until he passed out, then lock him out of the castle.

"Dammit, Roxas, stop walking away! I need help!"

There was something in Axel's voice that forced Roxas to pause and turn around. "...Help with what?" he asked warily.

Axel was staring at his shoes, looking like he wanted to shrivel up and die. "...I have a drinking problem," he finally admitted.

_Did you just figure that out?!_ Roxas wanted to ask but didn't. Instead, he nodded understandingly - biting Axel's head off would be the exact wrong thing to do, now that he'd finally figured out for himself he was drinking too much. "You wanna...talk?"

"Not in the hallway." Axel shook his head. "My room's a real shithole...I'd suggest your room, but I bet Demyx is in there and probably doesn't want anything to do with me." Roxas nodded silently. "I mean, why else would you get him and Fori to trade rooms?"

Roxas sighed heavily. It was all true, and thank Kingdom Hearts Axel was finally figuring it out, but he didn't need to hear it from anyone else right now. He had to do the talking now. "How's Twilight Town sound? The clock tower? That's private enough, isn't it?"

Axel nodded. "Yeah. That sounds okay."

* * *

"...and I just went, wow, I just realized the booze is causing me all kinds of problems and my first thought is 'I need a drink'." Axel had felt oddly compelled to buy a bottle of diet Coke instead of ice cream, which wasn't comforting - it meant he no longer felt comfortable without a bottle in his hand for long. He kept drinking from it anyway, wishing he had something to mix with it. "Goddamnit...I'm sitting here drinking Coke and I'm wishing it was alcohol. If that's not proof I'm an alcoholic, I dunno what is."

"Maybe." Roxas was obviously going out of his way to be inoffensive as possible. Axel appreciated his intent, but he kind of wished Roxas would come out and call him an idiot, like he knew he wanted to.

"How could I have let that happen? I mean, it's not like I just woke up one day and all of a sudden I could barely stop drinking long enough to complete a mission..." Axel sighed heavily. "Dammit, I know you're thinking it, I wish you would say it...I'm a fucking idiot."

Roxas looked a little stunned. "Okay...sometimes, I think you're the biggest idiot the worlds have ever known."

"That'll do." Axel took another drink of Coke, unable to keep himself from wishing it was whiskey. "Fuck, I could have killed myself in a hurry. Drinking alcohol lowers blood glucose - it's only sheer dumbass luck I didn't just pass out and fade from hypoglycemia, without anyone noticing until it was too late because they just assumed I was passed-out drunk. You'll notice this was never a consideration before now."

Roxas was fighting to hold back his Axel-you-idiot look. "Good thing you had someone looking out for you, then."

"Yeah, and what did I do to deserve it?" Axel finished off the bottle and stared into it bleakly. _I need a drink. I should never have another drink in my life._ "Fucked if I know - I can't remember. I can barely remember a thing about the last two months, and not a hell of a lot about the previous four."

Roxas snorted as he gnawed aimlessly on his empty ice cream stick. "I guess it wasn't a total surprise when you got drunk on your birthday...it was more of a surprise when you were falling-down drunk by 1:00."

"I didn't even realize my birthday had come and gone for about a week." Axel sighed. "I'm such an asshole. What the hell did I do the whole day, when I wasn't busy getting crocked?"

"Mostly chased Demyx. Nonviolently."

Axel laughed humorlessly. "Maybe it'd seem funny to someone with a real sick sense of humor - half the time I can't keep my hands off him and half the time I can't keep my fists out of his face. So what'd I do to him last night?"

Roxas looked at him for a long moment before answering. "...Burned most of his hair off and melted one of his hearing aids."

Axel shook his head. "That's not the whole story. What aren't you telling me?"

Roxas froze. Axel held his breath. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes, I do. I'm not expecting it to be pleasant or anything - hell, if it wasn't that bad, you'd have told me straight off." Roxas still hesitated. "Come on. What the fuck did I do that was so bad? Rape him?"

"You tried." Roxas's voice was dead serious. The empty bottle started on a long fall to the ground below the tower. "Those bruises on your face are from when he fought back."

Axel squeezed his eyes shut, debating whether or not he should follow the bottle down. "I'm glad he did."

* * *

The same car accident that had left Demyx with periodic seizures had left him permanently somewhat confused about Roxas's identity. When he'd first come to after the crash, he'd had the idea that Roxas had been replaced by a doppelganger, and subconsciously, he still had that impression. For the most part, he'd managed to convince himself that Roxas after the accident really was the same person as Roxas before the accident, but when he was confused and disoriented - for instance, when he was waking up after a seizure - he still looked at Roxas and his mind went "stranger pretending to be a friend".

So it came as a surprise to all three of them when he was finally jostled awake, found Axel and Roxas looking at him - and immediately clung to Roxas, looking at Axel with fright. "Demyx - it's okay - he's sober -"

Demyx stared at them both for a long moment, then slowly let go of Roxas. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Just a little - confused for a second."

Axel sighed heavily. "Fuck this. I should get out of here."

"Wait -" Roxas grabbed his hand. "You've got some explaining to do. You're not off the hook yet."

Demyx sat up slowly. "Wait...what's going on?" His skin felt strange - so sore and raw...and one of his hearing aids was burned out or something; he was hearing nothing at all in that ear... He put one hand up to check and found that entire side of his face was covered in bandages, and his ear felt like it was stuffed with cottonballs. He whimpered faintly as the memory of last night came rushing back, and he shied away from Axel again.

Axel looked sick. "I told you..." he muttered to Roxas.

"I can't say it for you!" Roxas insisted, which made Demyx wonder what he couldn't say.

"Fine..." Axel sat down in Roxas's desk chair and stared at the floor while Demyx tried to figure out how far the bandages extended. "So, Demyx...still willing to listen to me?

"I..." He'd been Demyx's best friend for years, he'd trust him with his life, but - after last night - Kingdom Hearts, if he'd been able to - if he'd done it for real - Demyx would never have been able to look at himself in the mirror again - "Only when you're sober," he whispered.

"I am now," Axel murmured. "And I wanna stay that way. But I need help."

Demyx blinked a little in surprise. "Wh-what do you mean?"

Roxas glared meaningfully at Axel, who took a deep breath. "I have a drinking problem. And I want to get rid of it."

_Did you just figure that out?_ was Demyx's first thought. Then it hit him - Axel wanted to stop drinking. No more waking up and hearing noises from Axel's room and being afraid to investigate. No more having to lock both doors after 6:00 just in case. No more sneaking down to Roxas's room after midnight, burned, battered, and afraid. No more uncomfortable scenes at breakfast, when Axel knew damn well he'd been acting inappropriately the night before but couldn't remember what he'd been doing to save his life."You...really mean it?"

Axel nodded. "I don't ever want this to happen again," he murmured softly. "It almost went too far this time. I don't ever want it to get this far again."

Demyx almost started to smile a little - finally, this cycle of fear and abuse might come to some sort of end that was neither tragic nor violent - but some little voice in his head suddenly asked: _Can you trust him?_ After all, once upon a time he'd _known_ that Axel would never deliberately hurt him, sober or drunk...

He sighed. At least he was going to try. The least Demyx could do was have a little faith in him.

* * *

AN: This one has been in the works for ages and ages and AGES. I should have started publishing it ages AGO. I have works in progress that were set before this. But I was sick of just staring at it and never actually posting it.

It won't be too quick to update.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, got it memorized?


	2. A Test of Strength

"Should it worry me that the whiskey you couldn't find to save your life, Xan found in about two minutes?"

Axel sighed, looking more than a little depressed and anxious. "It worries me. I really had no idea where the hell it was. My brain cells must be completely melted."

In a reversal of roles, Roxas ruffled his hair - it hadn't been touched by gel in weeks, and looked limp and listless as Axel himself. "You were smart enough to figure out you needed help. There's hope for you yet."

"How much?" Axel muttered under his breath.

"You'll be all right," Roxas murmured reassuringly. "You'll live through it just fine."

"Bleh..." Axel watched morosely as Roxas opened all the recently located bottles and poured them down the drain one by one. Roxas kept a careful eye on him, watching his depression and anxiety deepen with each drop; after the third bottle, he looked like Roxas was pouring his lifeblood down the sink and physically forcing him to watch. "Uh...R-rox...could you maybe leave...one bottle?..."

"No." Roxas left no room for argument as he opened the last bottle and started emptying it.

"Oh..." Axel looked a little sick with despair now. "Just - one more drink -"

"_No_." Roxas shook his head as the last of the whiskey went down the drain.

Axel sighed heavily as he rinsed out the bottles. "Should've known you'd say that...should've been expecting that...duh. That's the whole reason you're getting rid of it, isn't it? So I can't drink it anymore?" He gritted his teeth and started pacing anxiously. "I have a bad feeling about this. Like I won't be able to handle it."

"Axel, don't talk like that, or you'll sabotage yourself. You're stronger than that."

Axel shook his head irritably. "This was a bad idea. I can't do this. Just look at me - I'm flipping out just from watching you pouring all that whiskey down the sink!"

Roxas squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't like what he was about to do to Axel, but the way he was going, it had to be done. "Axel...remember what happened to Demyx? Remember what almost happened to Demyx?"

Axel stopped dead in his tracks. He stood there, frozen like a statue with his back to Roxas, for several moments, then sighed and seemed to collapse in on himself. "Yes," he answered in a very small voice. "I...I do remember. I remember seeing it - I remember hearing about it - I don't remember it happening." Roxas could hear a faint sob in his voice. "But that's why we're doing this, aren't we? To make sure it can't happen again?"

Roxas eyed him carefully. "And is that important enough to keep you in line?"

Axel rested his forehead against the wall, fists clenched. "I...I hope so, Rox. I hope so."

* * *

Demyx was not having a good night. He missed his room, for one thing - Fori's haphazard decor didn't do a thing for him. The clashing colors didn't exactly lull him to sleep the way his blue-and-aqua color scheme did. And he was in too much pain to sleep well anyway. He had bruises all over his body, from his struggle with Axel two nights ago, and those burns hurt worst of all.

Actually, no. They didn't. The worst pain wasn't on the outside at all.

He sobbed quietly with remembered terror, wishing he could stop thinking about what almost happened - what would have happened if he hadn't somehow found the nerve to fight back. Kingdom Hearts knew, fighting back was never his first impulse. It would have been so easy for him to just freeze up and...and let it happen...if he had...if he had...it had been so close...so close... He tossed and turned, restlessly and painfully, tormented by physical and psychological wounds.

_Fuck, I'd be more comfortable curled up in a blanket on Roxas's floor. I've slept there often enough._

Not tonight, though. He couldn't. He was safe now, secure, in no danger of being assaulted by an angry drunk. He was also anxious, sleepless, and miserable, but that didn't mean he could go curl up on Roxas's floor anymore. He wasn't in actual danger, just being inconvenienced by insomnia. For all the times he'd woken Roxas up at 2:00 in the morning, his younger friend deserved to sleep a night through for once.

He felt awful. Not just in pain; he felt physically ill from sheer nerves. Fuck, he hadn't eaten since yesterday; how could he feel this sick? As if it was out to make him as miserable as possible, his stomach was hit with an intense wave of nausea; he ran for the bathroom and leaned over the toilet, gagging violently, but nothing came except a horrible bitter taste in the back of his throat. His entire body trembled as he continued to gag - if there had been anything in his stomach, he would have been violently sick, but there was nothing to bring up.

Eventually, he willed his stomach under control and slumped back against the wall, feeling damaged and drained but still not sleepy. Lacking the energy or willpower to crawl back to Fori's room, he quietly curled up on the tile floor, without even pulling down a towel to use as a blanket. It wasn't like he was going to sleep on the bathroom floor any better than he'd been sleeping on Fori's bed - hell, the floor was even less comfortable - but he simply couldn't be bothered to move. All he wanted to do was rest for a few minutes, until he felt a little stronger.

"Demyx? Are you okay? I didn't want to walk in while you were still hurling, but..."

Demyx shook his head wearily. Dammit, he hadn't wanted to wake Roxas up again. "Meh, not an issue," he murmured weakly. "Just a bad case of dry heaves."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah..." Demyx forced himself to sit upright. "Just...I've felt better, you understand."

A dim light gleamed in the bathroom. "Slept at all yet? You don't look so good. I wouldn't be surprised if -"

Demyx felt obligated to interrupt. "Rox?"

"What?"

"Isn't Axel enough to look after?" His head lolled slightly as he regarded the young blond. "Don't worry about me. You gotta sleep too."

Roxas sighed and grimaced, visibly choking back a yawn. "Don't remind me...if you're sure you'll be okay, you'd better get back to bed and get to sleep."

Demyx dragged himself to his feet, trying to disguise how close he was to collapsing again. "Whatever you say, Mommy." He half-walked, half-crawled back to Fori's room before he could see Roxas's reaction to that.

He never slept a wink all night.

* * *

Roxas practically had to physically drag Axel down to breakfast. Fori, unlike Demyx, either didn't notice or didn't care when Axel couldn't get himself moving in the morning. _It's your own damn fault,_ Axel reminded himself sternly._ If it weren't for you and your damn drunken rages, none of this would have happened._

Damn, he needed a drink. He just now remembered where he'd stashed the rest of the whiskey, and not from either being told where it was or watching it being found - he hadn't been allowed in his room while it was being searched, just in case. Too bad he remembered watching Roxas pour the whole stash down the drain pretty damn well. Fuck it all, those bottles had cost him a lot of munny, and they'd all been wasted.

At least Roxas was willing to sit next to him today. Demyx still wasn't there, though. Probably just avoiding him. Axel couldn't blame him. Fuck, Demyx probably hated him now. Damn drunken asshole that he'd been lately, he wasn't especially fond of himself.

Damn it, he was seriously craving a drink. He felt like if he didn't get a little alcohol in his system soon, he'd go nuts.

Damn it, he _was_ addicted.

_Coffee. Let's try coffee instead._ He seized a cup in trembling hands and took a long gulp, nearly choking on it. Not good enough; he needed something stronger...well, he couldn't have it and that was that. He'd have to satisfy himself with caffeine.

Damn it. His head was fucking pounding.

"Axel, aren't you going to eat anything?"

Axel nearly jumped a yard; the hot coffee splashed out of the cup as he jerked in surprise. His eyelids twitched as he turned to look at Roxas. "No...not - not hungry," he mumbled. Truly, his appetite was missing in action.

_I can't put up with this shit. I can't do this._

_Demyx. Remember Demyx._

He took a deep breath and swallowed the rest of the coffee, then refilled the cup, spilling a fair bit. Dammit, he'd only had one cup, so why was he so fucking shaky? And jumpy? Kingdom Hearts, his head fucking hurt...

"Axel, are you okay? You look sick."

"I'd feel better if I could just have a fucking drink!" he snarled.

Roxas just stared at him. "...What brought that on?"

Axel sank down into his chair, clinging to his coffee cup. "I...I...ah, fuck." He couldn't think of any good reason to have bitten Roxas's head off now to save his life. "I...hell, I am sick. Alcoholism is sort of a disease, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Roxas said quietly, with no trace of anger. "It's a curable disease, luckily."

_Death will cure anything,_ Axel thought morosely, but he continued to drink coffee, hoping to kill his withdrawal jitters with a case of caffeine shakes.

* * *

"Demyx? You hungry at all? You didn't eat all day yesterday..."

Demyx was lying on the bed, on his back, staring blankly at the darkened ceiling. "You didn't have to..." he murmured in a soft voice. "Nice of you, though."

Roxas sighed irritably as he flicked the lights on. "Apparently I did have to," he snapped. "Am I going to have to sit next to you and help you with your fork to make sure you actually eat anything?"

Demyx half-sat up, glaring at him. The dark circles under his eyes stood out from across the room. "...The hell?"

"What the hell are you trying to do, torture yourself by neither eating nor sleeping?"

"...What the hell, Rox? I didn't choose insomnia! I didn't choose to get sick to my stomach from stress! They just...happened!"

Roxas shook his head. Biting Demyx's head off wasn't the best opening move he'd ever made. But under significant stress, Demyx tended to take next to no care of himself, and he almost never asked for help when he needed it - too afraid of being a burden or something. Roxas hoped he got his head on straight soon - taking care of both Axel and Demyx could get old in a hurry. He handed Demyx the plate he'd brought. "If you're not still sick to your stomach, you need to eat."

Demyx accepted the plate and fork and ate unenthusiastically but steadily. "Sorry for being such a pain in the ass," he murmured.

"You're only being a pain in the ass when you refuse to take care of yourself, or to get help when you can't take care of yourself. Since when were you shy about breaking in in the middle of the night when you really needed help?"

Demyx sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Figured I'd abused your hospitality a few too many times already. Figured you needed a night's sleep."

"Here's a big hint. Listening to you dry-heaving was not conducive to a night's sleep."

Demyx's pale face flushed. "I can't help it. That just happens sometimes when I start flipping out." He snorted quietly as he toyed with his fork. "Axel used to have to clean up after me all the time, when we were new here," he mused. "Sometimes he even offered to help me get out of whatever I was flipping out about - usually a tough mission or fighting practice - by telling the elder members I was too sick. He did that a lot, actually; I had to ask him to stop."

Roxas raised an eyebrow. "Stop? Why?"

"You know me; I get nervous about everything. It was happening so often I was worried they'd either decide I was faking it just to get off duty or think there was something seriously wrong with me." Demyx stared off into the distance. "The first time I ever saw him drunk, I actually knocked myself out - I got scared and tried to run away, and cracked my head on the door frame on my way out. He actually dragged me over to my bed and tucked me in, even though he was wasted." He smiled faintly, then shook his head. "Otherwise known as 'the good old days'. The next time he got drunk, he punched me in the eye and knocked me into a wall." He sighed, setting the plate aside still half-full. "I'm sorry. I'm just boring you with stories, I know."

"No you're not. Stop that." Roxas put an arm around Demyx's shoulder, hugging him a little. "How are you always so upbeat in most areas but you're always so hard on yourself?"

"I...I don't know. I really don't." Demyx sighed heavily. "I...I guess...whenever he hits me when he's drunk, I...I...it kind of makes me think I did something to piss him off by accident while he was sober. Academically, I know that's probably not the case, but..." He shook his head. "I...I can't shake the thought that maybe I did something to deserve it somehow. I know I probably didn't, but..." He sighed again. "Sorry."

"Maybe it's your tendency to blame yourself for anything and everything, from the weather to plumbing problems." Roxas ruffled his hair - a gesture he'd picked up from Axel. "At least you're not blaming yourself for his drinking."

"Meh, that's his own damn fault." Demyx rolled over onto his uninjured side, which unfortunately left him facing the wall. "Sorry...not trying to be unsociable, just comfortable."

"Understandable...all right, get some sleep. I'm going to go make sure Axel doesn't do something stupid like try to break into Luxord's room after his rum." Demyx didn't answer - unsurprising, as his only good ear was now firmly pressed against the pillow.

* * *

Demyx lay there, staring at the wall, for two hours, wishing he could sleep. He'd closed his eyes, to be sure, but he hadn't actually slept in over 24 hours now. He even removed his remaining hearing aid, in the hopes that total silence would help - it didn't.

_Maybe if I play myself a lullaby._

He replaced his hearing aid, summoned his sitar, and tried to play.

"_Ow_...fucking dammit..." Nope, that wasn't going to happen. The burns on his chest and shoulder were too painful. Almost nothing was painful enough to keep him from playing sitar, but those burns did it.

He missed his stereo, now locked away in his former room, which Fori was using until further notice. He supposed he could borrow Fori's headphones, but the only sort of headphones he could wear on just one ear were earbuds, which he couldn't wear with his hearing aids. No music, then; moving his stereo down would be more trouble than it was worth. He didn't want to stay in Fori's room, after all. This was just temporary, until Axel got his drinking under control.

He missed Axel. He missed the Axel he knew back when he'd first joined. He missed the Axel from before the alcohol started to take over. He missed the Axel who'd haul him to Vexen when he came back injured, and bring him food and Tylenol and change CDs in his stereo when he asked, and reassured him when he had nightmares - not the one who hurt him, not the one he was afraid to let in his room, not the one who featured in his nightmares.

Thank Kingdom Hearts for Roxas. Roxas had some influence over Axel that Demyx had never and probably would never have. If anyone could keep Axel sober, it was Roxas.

Dammit, he needed sleep. His burned skin hurt so damn much. He needed relief. He needed rest. He needed to not be tortured with nightmares every time his eyes closed. What he did not need, though, were painkillers or sleeping pills. With Axel's example to look at, he wanted to stay the hell away from anything even potentially addictive. He didn't want to run even the slightest risk.

_Axel...Axel, why? Why would you do this?_

Seeking a change of scenery, he portaled to the Hall of Empty Melodies, his usual safe haven, but there was no comfort to be had there. The Hall was the site of his first really severe beating at Axel's hands. The memory came back with an almost painful force, squeezing tears from his eyes. His safe haven no longer felt safe.

He sat down on the floor and cried until he ran out of tears. He missed sleeping in his own bed, and living in his own room, and the bright red and blue towels in the bathroom, and looking through the open bathroom doors at Axel's room, and having Axel wave at him when they made eye contact from opposite sides - Roxas always kept his bathroom door shut. He missed sleeping. He missed having an appetite. He missed not being afraid whenever he heard strange sounds at night. He missed being free to choose whether or not to take his hearing aids out when he went to bed, instead of having to keep them in in case he missed some vital sound that meant Axel was drunk and out for violence.

He missed his old life. He missed himself.

* * *

"Rox, it's not working." Axel threw his controller at the screen in frustration. "I just can't fucking focus worth shit." He rubbed his forehead irritably - that headache was just not going away. Playing Dead or Alive only aggravated it further. His hands were shaking so badly he was having trouble using the controller anyway.

Roxas sighed and paused the game without ending it. "Does it have anything to do with all that coffee you drank instead of eating breakfast?"

"No, goddamnit," Axel hissed. "It has to do with the fact that I fucking need a fucking drink." It wasn't like he'd just had a nasty psychological shock and could use a shot to help process it - it was a physical urge, as much as hunger or exhaustion or lust. He needed that alcohol to keep himself sane. He needed that alcohol to keep himself alive.

He flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. _So, Axel is so "used to a drink in the morning" he's going psycho without it. Know what that makes you? An addict. An alcoholic. A slave to the bottle. You're as bad as your father. You're worse than your father. You target the helpless. You're a monster. An alcoholic monster._

"No," he whispered helplessly to the cold white ceiling.

"No what?" Roxas asked from somewhere outside his field of vision.

"No...I...I'm not," Axel whispered as much to himself and to the ceiling as to Roxas. "I'm not a monster...I'm not a monster!" His voice caught in his throat as he shouted the words.

Roxas leaned over him, looking concerned and a little alarmed. "Who said you are?"

Axel sighed heavily. "My own stupid brain. Damn it." His entire body felt weak and shaky, and the gallon or so of coffee he'd downed was threatening to come back up. And his head fucking hurt.

Damn it, if he could only have a drink, he'd feel better!

_Alcoholic. Slave to the bottle. Drunken monster._

He couldn't drink. He could never let himself touch alcohol again. Alcohol had ruined his life.

_No. This was bound to happen. This is how you were born to be. Like father, like son._

"No!"

Roxas's face looked increasingly alarmed. "Axel, are you okay?"

Axel shook his head helplessly. "No...no...I'm not okay..." he sobbed. "I need help..."

Roxas gave him a hug. "I know. That's why I'm here."

"Do you think I'm a drunken monster?"

"What? No..." Roxas shook his head. "Never have, never will..."

"Thanks..." Axel sighed. "I needed that."

* * *

AN: ...And Luxord is over here taking bets.


	3. One Barrier Down

_Help me, I feel so lost..._

Demyx had yet to return to his - well, Fori's - room. He was still sprawled on the floor of the Hall of Empty Melodies, completely miserable. He knew Roxas would try to help him in a second, if he knew, but...Axel really needed the help worse. Besides, Demyx wasn't sure if Roxas could help him out of this state.

He didn't even know what the hell was wrong with himself. It wasn't exactly a heart attack; he didn't have that ugly feeling of having a big empty hole in his chest. He just felt so lost, and alone, and sick.

_Kingdom Hearts, I'm pathetic. I should be helping Axel, not lying here feeling sorry for myself._

A shudder went down his spine at the thought. He was still afraid to get near Axel at all.

_And now I'm too afraid to go help one of my best friends. How pathetic do you get?_

He rolled over and stared at the ceiling. _Demyx?_

_Yes?_

_Grow a pair already. Which is more important to you - lying on the floor feeling sorry for yourself or going and helping Axel?_

Demyx shook his head furiously. He couldn't. He remembered all too clearly what Axel had almost done to him.

_So it's lying here feeling sorry for yourself. Suit yourself._

No - that wasn't it - but he just couldn't -

_You think Axel's proud of himself? You think he'll try again if he catches sight of you?_

No, not unless he was drunk - and Axel was trying to stay sober - but -

_And if he needs your help to stay sober?_

"Demyx? Are you okay? Come on, just say something..."

Demyx sat up stiffly. Roxas had come up on his deaf side, which was why he hadn't heard a thing. "Ow. Yeah. I'm fine. Didn't hear you come in. Just lying here feeling sorry for myself."

"Well, it's dinnertime. You want something to eat, you might want to come down - or would you rather I brought you something?"

_Well, if you don't have the balls to even think about Axel right now, let's start with this. You haven't eaten since breakfast, and that was the first meal you'd eaten in 36 hours. You haven't slept in almost 40 hours. The only person you've seen since yesterday morning is Roxas. You're well on your way to becoming a complete physical wreck. Are you going to keep making Roxas take care of you, or are you going to take a little responsibility for yourself?_

Demyx dragged himself to his feet, a little painfully. "Yeah...I'll be down in a second."

* * *

Axel did not handle being left alone very well. His competing craving for alcohol and desire to kick his own ass for ever touching it in the first place were starting to drive him a little nuts. Starting to? A little? He was well on his way to cracking like a dropped clay pot.

Fortunately, he wasn't left alone for long. Roxas wasn't gone for much more than five minutes before coming back. "About time," Axel muttered, with a lot less gratitude than he actually felt. "Wait...what about the dinner part?"

Roxas shrugged and sat down on the end of the bed. "I asked Demyx to bring something up when he was done eating."

Axel sighed and rolled over onto his side. "Bad idea...he's not gonna get near me."

"Then I'll step out into the hallway to get it from him if I have to. It's not a huge deal."

"Mneh..." Axel rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "Know something, Rox?"

"What?"

"I. Feel. Like. SHIT."

"Unfortunately, I kind of guessed that already."

Some part of Axel's brain realized that Roxas was just being a wellspring of patience and sympathy and deserved all sorts of gratitude, but the rest of it was too deep in the throes of withdrawal to care. "Then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"Because the only way to make you any less bitchy right now is to either hit you over the head or give you alcohol. And frankly, I'm a little tempted to hit you over the head sometimes."

Axel twisted around restlessly. "Fuck. You should. Fuck, I can't take this..."

"Remember why you don't think Demyx will want to get anywhere near you?"

Fuck. That question had to have been calculated to cut. Axel glared at Roxas to find the younger Nobody looking apologetic. "Fuck...yeah I remember - how the fuck am I supposed to forget? What the fuck do you have to keep reminding me for?"

"Do you want to make sure it never happens again, or would you rather have a drink?"

"Dammit...Rox, I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't get a drink!" Axel whimpered.

"Ax..."

"What?!" he snapped, halfway to sobbing.

"You're not gonna die." Roxas moved over next to him and stroked his hair gently. "You'll come out of this all right. I know you're damn tough. We just need to wait this out, and then you'll be okay."

"Dammit, Rox..." Without intending to, Axel started to sob helplessly. Roxas just sat there, stroking his hair and murmuring reassurance, as if his older friend was a child in need of comforting.

"Guys...are you..." Demyx was peeking in the open door, carrying two laden plates. "Should I come back later?" His face was absolutely dead white, but his voice was remarkably steady.

"No...that's okay..." Roxas quickly stepped up and took the plates, handing one to Axel. Axel sat up and accepted it, even though he had exactly no appetite.

Instead of turning around and leaving, Demyx hung around, hovering just outside the doorway. "Are you guys okay?"

"No, I feel like shit," Axel groused, even though he knew it was pointless. Especially considering who he was bitching to, and what he'd almost done to him. Dammit all to hell...if he hadn't fought back...

Demyx quietly edged into the room, keeping a wary eye on Axel. "Sorry I haven't been around for a bit..."

"Sorry?!" Demyx flinched back a bit. "Far as I can see, you have every fuckin' reason to stay the hell away from here! What the hell are you even doing here?"

Demyx shrugged helplessly. "I...I was getting a little lonely...I'm sorry...I'll leave now..."

"No. Stay here." Axel rubbed his aching head. "Please..."

* * *

Roxas wasn't sure where this change had come from, or whether or not he should be grateful for it yet. Sure, Axel and Demyx were willing to be in the same room at the same time, but they sure as hell didn't look comfortable in each other's presence, or altogether happy to be there. Hell, he was nervous about leaving them alone in the same room for too long.

"Axel, you have to eat something," he said instead of voicing any of his concerns.

Axel shook his head. "Not hungry," he muttered.

"Axel, you have to keep your blood sugar up somehow. Candy's not going to work as a long-term fix."

"I don't care. I am not. Fucking. Hungry. Got it memorized?"

"Would you rather die of insulin shock? Maybe if your blood sugar was higher, you'd feel better."

"Fuck you. I don't care."

"Am I going to have to tie you down and force-feed you?" Roxas asked with more force than he'd really intended. Axel's eyes blazed momentarily, then he sagged and sank back, and started eating listlessly. Roxas kept a careful eye on him, just to make sure he wasn't secretly dropping food into the garbage can while he wasn't looking. There were dark circles under his eyes too - he probably hadn't slept much last night either.

_All right, who made me the psychiatrist?_ he thought morosely.

Probably just being in the right place at the wrong time, he decided. Well, it wasn't like one wasn't necessary. Axel was going nuts from withdrawal, and Demyx looked just plain lost and miserable, not to mention sleep-deprived.

"You know, you two look awful," he mentioned.

Axel glared. Demyx just shrugged. "I admit, I don't feel too great either."

"You shouldn't be here," Axel groused, carefully not looking at him.

"You want me to leave?" Demyx stood up and took a step towards the door, looking anxious.

"No...yeah...fuck, I dunno...stay."

Demyx sat down again, looking warily at Roxas, who rubbed his forehead. "Do you want to stay here?"

Demyx shrugged helplessly. "I dunno. Here's as good or bad as anywhere." Axel groaned, set the plate down, and flopped back onto the bed, facing the wall. "Look, if Axel doesn't want me to stay -"

"Oh, shut up."

Demyx sighed and lay down on the floor. "It was a mistake to come here, wasn't it," he whispered.

Roxas sighed. "Demyx, can I...talk to you in the hallway for a few?" Demyx nodded and stood up listlessly, letting Roxas lead him out by the arm. "All right...what exactly is the matter?"

Demyx shrugged, squeezing tears from his eyes. "I d-don't know. I-I just...I wanna hide from everything. I know I can't do that, b-but..." He shook his head. "I don't feel safe anywhere. Not in my own room, not in Fori's room, not in the Hall, and definitely not in Axel's room. I-I know I'm not really in danger, but..." He hastily scrubbed away tears with the back of one hand. "Sorry...not getting enough sleep lately. I'm a little wonky."

"You don't need sleeplessness as an excuse...though yeah, you definitely need to sleep more than you have been. Have you slept at all in the past 40 hours or so?" Demyx shook his head, and Roxas sighed. "Well, that's not your only problem. You just went through a truly terrible experience recently, and you're injured. If you're off-balance after that, who'd blame you?"

"Axel."

"If Axel is really blaming you, he's dumber than a box of hair. He can be pretty thick sometimes, but he's not that stupid. He blames himself for what happened to you."

Demyx sighed. "Academically, I know that. Subconsciously, unconsciously...it hasn't percolated through yet." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm being a drag, aren't I?"

"It's worse when you say things like 'I'm being a drag, aren't I?'" Demyx stared uncomprehendingly. "I get really sick of listening to you knock yourself down all the time, always assuming you're worthless or being a drag or something. It drives everyone nuts."

Demyx sighed again and looked away. "Call it a bad habit, but - I can't help being hard on myself all the time. I dunno if I was just born that way or what, but I can't help it."

"Come on, Demyx." Roxas shook his head. "You're not stupid, you're not worthless, you're not a burden to the whole Organization, you're not even useless in a fight. Remember the Nexus?"

Demyx rolled his eyes. "Great. I've convinced everyone else. I knew that. Now if only I could convince myself, all the worlds would be just sunshine and daffodils and everyone would eat butterflies and piss rainbows." Roxas just stared. "I'd apologize for that, but I'm afraid that would just make things even worse."

* * *

Axel desperately wished he could sleep. He knew for a fact that one shot would let him relax that critical bit that would allow him to actually rest, but - dammit. He'd slept maybe one hour total, tonight, and maybe six hours total over the past 48 hours. Every time he closed his eyes and started to drift off, he started having the same nightmare - he started to hear soft crying, and looked up to see Demyx curled up in the corner, completely naked and horrifically burned over his entire body - like someone had doused him in gasoline and burned his clothes off. When Axel stood up to help him, he looked at him with terror in his eyes, then stopped breathing, his horrified gaze still fixed on Axel, and faded out. There was a mirror in the corner where he had been, and Axel looked into it involuntarily. Each time, he desperately wanted to see something - anything - but that horribly distorted, demonic face that was still indisputably his own. He never did.

He knew a drink would make the nightmares go away. He knew it could also make them come true.

"I just want to sleep," he whispered helplessly to the ceiling. The ceiling, understandably, didn't respond. "Why can't I fuckin' sleep?" he demanded in a louder voice. Still no answer. "Oh, fuck this..." He had absolutely no idea what to do, so he did what he usually did when he had no idea what to do. He portaled down to Roxas's room.

A dim light glowed. "Ax? The hell are you doing here?"

Axel took one step into the room. "Couldn't sleep worth -"

He suddenly stepped on something soft that he didn't remember being there. "Ow!" Demyx sat up and glared blearily at him, clutching his leg.

Roxas sighed. "I'm not sure there's enough room on my floor...maybe I should invest in bunk beds, or a couple cots..."

Demyx started to stand up, never taking his eyes off Axel. "Well, I can always just go back to my room...well, Fori's room..."

"Oh, don't start that again...if that's all your worried about, Axel just won't be able to stretch out...if it's not, please, don't pretend it is..."

Axel shook his head and sighed. "Never mind...Demyx was here first...I'll go back to my room."

"For the love of Kingdom Hearts..." Roxas sat up and glared at them both. "Axel, if you get drunk somehow, and try to kill Demyx, I'll hit you over the head until you black out. Does that sound good to both of you?" They just stared at him. "Or would you rather I knocked you out right now?" He threw a blanket at Axel. "Pick a comfortable corner. Sorry, I'm out of spare pillows."

Axel stared at the blanket. "Oh...um..."

"Axel. Do it. It will help exactly no one if you don't get any sleep."

"Right..." Axel sat down on the floor and unfolded the blanket. Glancing over, he noticed Demyx was still watching him.

* * *

After Axel came in and settled down, Demyx didn't go back to sleep for an hour or so. He slept for about two hours, tormented by physical pain and frightening dreams, until he woke up and had to run into the bathroom to vomit. Of course, that woke Axel and Roxas both up, and Roxas half-suggested, half-demanded he take the bed if he wasn't feeling well. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but he wasn't allowed to argue; Roxas just bundled himself up in the blankets on the floor and left him with no other option. He spent the rest of the night in Roxas's bed, physically more-or-less comfortable but wide awake and rather queasy. When he got up to vomit again shortly before the alarm went off, Roxas half-recommended, half-ordered him to stay in bed until further notice. Ironically, after Axel and Roxas left, he was able to sleep relatively peacefully.

When he woke up a few hours later, his burned chest, shoulder, and face were paining him terribly, he still felt nauseated and shaky, and he was feeling unusually weak besides. As long as he was still alone in the room, he tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but the slightest pressure on his injuries made him cry out in pain. Unable to roll over, he remained in the position he started in, wondering why everything suddenly hurt so much and why he suddenly felt so awful. Eventually, he went back to sleep.

He had some very uncomfortable dreams, with pain and fear and fire he couldn't quench licking across his body. He wandered alone, lost and helpless, through a blasted, charred landscape he couldn't escape from, while strange, vulturelike wraiths swooped around his head. It started out unbearably warm, then started to become colder and colder, until he found himself shivering so violently he could no longer stand. When he collapsed, shaking uncontrollably, one of the wraith-vultures swooped down and stroked a wing across his forehead. "Burning with fever - this is terrible," it said in a very clear voice.

"W-what?" he asked weakly, then his body was racked with violent chills once more and he was wrenched awake, sweating with pain and fever. He had to force his eyes to focus on the shape overhead; Roxas was standing over him, looking down at him with fear and deep concern. "Rox...whas wrong?"

Roxas shook his head. "How did you get so sick so fast?"

Demyx shook his head uncertainly, not sure what Roxas was talking about. "Mmph...'m not sick..." he murmured.

Roxas sighed. "Demyx, you're burning with fever. Kingdom Hearts, no wonder you kept waking up to puke last night."

Demyx shook his head again, pulling the blankets closer. "Don' 'ave a fever...'m cold..." The chills struck again, and he was suddenly shaking too violently to open his mouth and speak.

"Axel, go get Vexen. I'll stay here and keep an eye on him." Demyx hadn't even known Axel was in the room; he tried to crane his neck to look, but all he saw was a receding mess of red hair. "Demyx - relax. You'll be okay."

Demyx opened his mouth to speak, but he was once more paralyzed by chills; briefly, he wondered if this was what a seizure would feel like if he could stay conscious during one. Every time the chills struck, the pain in his chest and shoulder redoubled. "Rox, I hurt so much..." he whimpered when the fit was over.

Roxas sighed. "Your burns are probably infected," he murmured. "Dammit, I hope you don't have blood poisoning or anything." Demyx tried to sit up a little. "Hold still!"

* * *

Axel wasn't sure if he should be flattered that Roxas would send him on some important duty on his own, or upset that he wasn't going to be trusted alone in the same room with Demyx while Demyx was too weak to take care of himself. He definitely felt horribly guilty - Demyx's injuries were probably infected, and those injuries were undeniably his fault.

That wasn't his concern at the moment. His concern was going and finding Vexen as soon as possible.

He kept going down the hallway, but suddenly it hit him - something was wrong. Fuck, he'd been going the wrong damn way. He should have turned left back there, not right; now instead of being en route to Vexen's lab and the hospital wing, he was standing right outside Luxord's door.

_Luxord always keeps alcohol in his room._

Alcohol.

With a little alcohol in his system, he'd be able to think better. His brain wouldn't be so fuzzy. He'd have a better appetite. He'd sleep better. He'd be calmer, more relaxed, less jumpy and jittery.

A little bit of alcohol would make everything okay.

Not a lot of alcohol; he didn't want to get drunk. Getting drunk would be disastrous. But one drink - just enough to calm him down and make him feel better - no one would notice; no one would know...

And he knew Luxord was gone on a mission that day.

He tried the door. It was locked.

_I'm trying to break into Luxord's room to get at his stash of rum while Demyx is lying there horribly sick in Roxas's room. What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me?_

Axel fell to the ground, shaking. If Luxord hadn't locked his door before leaving, that could have been disastrous. He knew now - he would never have been able to stop at one drink. He would have had one drink, and one more drink, and one more drink, then Kingdom Hearts knew how many "one more drinks", then he might as well finish off the bottle, then might as well start the next, and while he should have been getting help, he would have been getting plastered. If Luxord hadn't locked his door, Demyx might have died before Axel ever got him any help.

Utterly disgusted with himself, he ran blindly for the hospital wing, not particularly caring that he was stumbling, slipping, and crashing into walls. Even the pain from repeated impacts didn't wake him up; his only concern was reaching the hospital wing and finding Vexen, trying to salvage some part of him that used to be worthwhile before it was too late.

* * *

AN: Wow, for so many ages, I kept working on this with the vague intention of "gonna publish this SOMEday..." Now that I'm actually publishing it, I'm realizing that some part of me didn't think it would ever see the light of day at all.

Well, StW, meet daylight.


	4. Breakdown

"Fifteen needs to be recalled immediately," Vexen snarled. "If he can be located at all, he must be recalled. This cannot wait."

Roxas hadn't even known there was a procedure for recalling members from missions, especially single-day missions. It always seemed much more time-effective to just wait until the member in question came back on their own. He shivered - if Vexen was so desperate to get Fori back as soon as humanly possible, did that mean it was a matter of life or death? Did Demyx's survival hinge on Fori being found and brought back immediately?

Unconsciously, he reached out and squeezed Demyx's hand, hoping his sick friend hadn't sunk too far to respond. He hadn't; Demyx roused a little, looked up at him, and squeezed back. "Tell Axel I'm not mad," he murmured.

"You'll be able to tell him yourself soon," Roxas answered.

Demyx shook his head weakly; his eyes were bright and glassy, and Roxas wondered how aware he really was. "No...he won't come in. He won't get near me, because he thinks I'm mad."

"Well, that's hardly the only reason," Roxas muttered. "He also feels incredibly guilty." Demyx whimpered a little and looked away, still holding Roxas's hand. "Demyx...how are you feeling?"

"Shitty." Demyx let go of Roxas's hand and closed his eyes. "Rox...'m tired."

"Don't go to sleep. Not yet," Roxas said automatically. Demyx claiming to be tired could mean any number of things in this situation. That he was in fact tired. That he didn't want to talk to Roxas anymore. That he was ready to close his eyes and never open them again. Roxas hoped it was one of the first two, but there was always the possibility of it being the third.

Demyx's eyes opened immediately. "Why not?" he asked in alarm, clearly more lucid than Roxas had suspected. "...Is it that bad?"

Well, if he still had a will to live, and was still sharp enough to figure out what Roxas really meant, that kind of pointed to the first or second option. "I...I don't know," Roxas answered honestly. "I hope it's not, but...well, this did literally just appear overnight. I'm not totally sure what's wrong, besides an infection. Glad you're still with it enough to know what's going on."

"On and off. I don't want to die, Rox." Demyx looked up at him with wide, frightened eyes. "Not like this."

"Well, I'm glad of that much..." Roxas shook his head and sighed.

Demyx blinked at him. "Glad of what?"

"Glad you don't want to die. If you did, I'd be really worried."

"I don't. I'm afraid." Demyx squeezed his eyes shut, tears slowly rolling down his face. "I'm so afraid..." While he cried quietly, Roxas stayed by his side, reluctant to leave him like that.

* * *

Axel stared at his handiwork, his features absolutely devoid of emotion. Every practice dummy was lying flat on its back in the sand, charred black, sliced open, or some combination of the two. In fact, at least three of them were demolished beyond hope of repair, and the rest were close - they'd been built tough, but not tough enough to stand up to two hours of nonstop battery.

_Better them than Demyx._

Kicking the ruined dummies off to one side, he set up the ones that still had some salvage value, summoned his chakrams, and started in at them again. Slash, whirl, dodge, strike - in a matter of moments, the dummies were on their backs again, and another one was completely destroyed. He kicked that one aside, too, and set the rest back up. He wasn't going to stop until every single one of the dummies was "dead", or he keeled over. He didn't dare stop, didn't dare let himself think about Demyx or alcohol or aching muscles or alcohol or how much trouble he'd be in for wrecking the dummies or alcohol or _God fucking dammit_.

He lunged at the eleven remaining dummies with renewed ferocity, clearing his mind of all thoughts that didn't involve fighting. Sweat rolled down his back and soaked into his T-shirt and steamed away, filling his lungs with water vapor instead of air; he ignored it. It wasn't a dummy, it wasn't a chakram, it wasn't relevant. His muscles burned and ached, pushed to their limits and deprived of oxygen; he ignored them too. All that mattered was knocking the dummies down until none of them were in any fit shape to be stood back up. His last rage-fueled attack had broken another three beyond repair; they went to the side, and the eight that were left went back up for another round. Strike, flame, twist, lunge - all eight went down, and only six went back up. He paused for a moment, trying to catch his breath - there was something wrong with the air, it seemed too thick - a chakram slipped out of his sweaty hand and fell to the sandy floor - he bent over to pick it up -

"If you're conscious enough to hear me yet, mind explaining how I got to be the responsible adult?"

"What the hell..." Axel looked around. He was in a room in the hospital wing, stripped to his shorts, with an IV in his arm. "What the fuck?!"

"That's exactly what I said when Lexaeus hauled you in." Roxas was giving him the evil eye. "What'd you do, go batshit on the practice dummies until you keeled over from dehydration?"

Axel rubbed his forehead - every muscle in his body ached horribly just then. "Yeah. Guess so."

"You scared the hell out of me. I was sure you were in insulin shock."

Axel shook his head. "No. I had sense enough to turn my pump off first, at least. Kingdom Hearts, I'm going to be feeling that for a long time."

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Good. You've learned one sensible thing. Maybe next time, you'll learn to bring something to drink."

"Don't rub it in. I know I'm an idiot." Most of the time, when Axel said something like that, his tone was at least half-joking. This time, even he was a little surprised by how serious he sounded. He came that close to asking how Demyx was, but he couldn't get the words out of his mouth; to ask the question was to remind himself of what he'd almost done, of what he'd become...and it made him want a drink. He'd rather knock down dummies until Hell froze over than ask..."How's Demyx?" Dammit.

Roxas shrugged carefully. "Kind of wandering in and out of it. More in than out, last I saw him. Vexen's got him on antibiotics."

Axel knew Roxas wasn't telling him the whole story. He also knew he probably didn't want to know the whole story.

* * *

Fori shook his head. "Nothing in the bloodstream yet. Hasn't made it that far."

Vexen nodded, though his face betrayed nothing that resembled emotion. "Fortunate, very fortunate. Hopefully it will never reach that stage. Go see if Eight is fit to be released yet."

Demyx swallowed hard - since when had Axel been a hospital patient? That must have happened while he was out of it or something...and it would explain where Roxas had gone. At least Fori looked equally confused. Demyx wasn't sure when he'd come in either, but it had to have been within the hour, if that. "So...what's he in for?"

"Idiocy. As usual."

Fori raised an eyebrow. "Idiocy comes in many forms, and I think Axel's covered almost all of them, though I admit I'm working off a lot of hearsay."

"...Dehydration."

"Pfft. Can't drink booze, so he won't drink anything?" Demyx's good hand involuntarily closed into a fist - but why? How, by all that was held holy, could he possibly have any reason to want to defend Axel?

"Fifteen..."

"Right. I'm going." And just like that, Demyx was once more alone in his hospital room. And just then, he was entirely too alert for his own comfort. What was wrong with Axel? Why should he care? It was Axel's fault he was here in the first place, after all...

No. Axel hadn't known what he was doing. He'd been drunk.

But he'd known what he was doing while he was getting drunk. Right?

Had he? Had he been able to control himself? No...he'd been even more helpless than Demyx. It wasn't that he chose not to control his drinking. It was that he _couldn't_. He was alcoholic. He was addicted. He couldn't not drink.

He'd almost killed him. And worse. Why couldn't he hate him for it? Or at least stay angry?

Demyx rubbed at his face, thoroughly annoyed with himself, then stared at the dragon tattooed on his left hand as if he'd never seen it before. Then, for the first time in what felt like weeks, he smiled just a bit.

Not that he now approved of what Axel had done. But he thought he understood a little better now. Or maybe the fever was starting to take over again. Either way, he felt like he was done worrying for a bit.

* * *

Roxas scratched his head as he surveyed the remains of nine ruined dummies. Axel had been positively brutal to them; a few of them were barely recognizable, and even the surviving ones didn't look like they could take much more of a beating without some serious repairs first. He wondered what in Kingdom Hearts's name he'd been thinking, and whether it would be worth his effort to ask. "...What in Kingdom Hearts's name were you thinking?"

"I was trying not to," Axel murmured gravely. "That was the whole reason I was down here - I didn't want to think."

"It seems to me that not thinking is your default state," Roxas said with more venom than he'd intended. "Or at least, not thinking with your brain."

Axel slowly turned his head towards him; Roxas had never seen those bright green eyes look so dark or so dull. Then, as Roxas was wondering what he was going to say, he jerked away again. "This isn't going to work," he said softly, as if to himself.

Roxas sighed heavily. "Knock. It. Off." He got a flashing glimpse of those green eyes again - they should have been so much brighter. "For the love of Kingdom Hearts, stop talking like you're too weak to do this or you're guaranteed to fail. Hell, keep talking like that, and you _are_ guaranteed to fail!"

He suddenly found himself on tiptoes, being dragged up by his collar. "Dammit, Roxas, I _can't_ control this!" Axel screamed. "Did it ever occur to you that _just fucking maybe_ I would if I could?!" Those green eyes were suddenly all ablaze. "I'm trying! I'm fucking trying! Could you at least give me a _little fucking credit?!_" Roxas couldn't have replied if he wanted to - he couldn't breathe especially well just then, but more than that, he was sure Axel was about to flatten him. A few eons ticked by, or seemed to, and Axel's face suddenly twisted and turned away, and Roxas was set back down on his feet. "Fuck it all..." Axel hissed softly. While Roxas was still trying to regain his bearings and wondering what had just happened, he turned around and raced from the practice arena.

_What just happened?..._

Right then, Roxas would have given anything for a look inside Axel's head. What had he been thinking - while he drove himself over the edge battering the dummies, while he was lying in a hospital bed with an IV in his arm, while he'd been surveying the damage, when he'd had Roxas by the collar and was screaming his head off, when he'd suddenly turned tail and fled? Shame? Anger? Disgust? Fear? All of the above, backed by a craving for alcohol so intense it stymied any attempt at rational thought? Nothing at all?

Now that was a disturbing thought.

It couldn't have been nothing. He'd seen what a being that could truly feel nothing acted like, if only for a few brief moments, and he'd seen what such a creature was capable of doing. Those thoughts were even more chilling than thinking what Axel could do under the influence - he'd never deliberately tried to kill someone slowly when drunk. Or deliberately burned down half a village, just to bait a trap. Maybe by accident, but...then again, was being killed by accident somehow an improvement? It didn't make you any less dead...

That line of thinking wasn't getting Roxas anywhere. And he was still standing in the practice arena, alone, staring at the ruined dummies like an idiot. Not sure it was a good idea to try to track Axel down, and not knowing what else to do, he teleported back to Demyx's hospital room, hoping the Melodious Nocturne would be fully conscious and aware. He was neither; for all intents and appearances, he was fast asleep. Vaguely hungry, feeling like he'd been left at loose ends in all directions, and not having anything better to do, Roxas wandered back to his own room. If he had to worry about someone's problems, he could go read a book and spend a few precious minutes worrying about the problems of people who didn't exist, and who would always find some sort of solution because that was what the author had written.

* * *

_I._

_Can't._

_Do._

_This._

_Anymore._

Axel was standing on the dark street corner, frozen in his tracks for no good reason. He didn't have a good reason - to stop walking, stop drinking, keep breathing, anything.

Even Roxas had given up on him.

He'd never make it alone. But he had no one to rely on anymore.

He'd never break this curse. He was chained to the bottle forever.

Everyone who walked passed him looked at him like they couldn't be sure he was sane. Well, he wasn't. Hell, they should be afraid of him. He was a monster.

Without his input, his feet suddenly made him turn around, and ended up taking him somewhere he'd intended to never go again - the out-of-the-way bar that had become his second home without him realizing it. He found himself taking a seat on a barstool completely without meaning to, as his hands started fishing munny out of his pockets on their own. Someone used his mouth and his voice to order his usual, and when the glass landed in front of him, his hand raised it to his lips as if under someone else's control.

He didn't regain control over his own body until it had already downed the shot for him.

Roxas was right. He wasn't even trying. He would never be free.

It was too late anyway. Demyx was dying, because of what he'd done - because of what he was.

And with that bit of precious alcohol in his system, all he wanted was more.

Not quite true. He wanted to die.

_If nothing matters anymore, why not keep drinking?..._

He didn't consciously order the second round, but he was aware of it, and he didn't bother to try to stop it - he couldn't have if he tried, he knew it. He knew he'd drink himself into a stupor in short order, and to death eventually - but what did it matter? He wasn't worth trying to save. He couldn't be saved.

_"You _are_ guaranteed to fail!"_

Even Roxas thought so.

* * *

Demyx was sleeping soundly for the first time in days. It wasn't because Vexen had put him on any sleeping pills or other knockout drugs, or because of his illness - when he fell asleep, he'd already felt better than he had when he woke up that morning. Maybe it was because the hospital wing seemed like an actual "safe" zone, something he had precious few of anymore - if Axel tried to break in and get at him in a drunken rage, Vexen would freeze him solid and experiment on him. As he was fast asleep at the moment, he wasn't thinking about it. In fact, he was dreaming about making a big pot of jambalaya for a bunch of people he didn't recognize, plus Axel, Roxas, and - for some reason - Larxene and Xanrivash. He was starting to wonder why Namine didn't seem to have been invited when he realized the soft sniffling sound wasn't just in his dream and forced himself to wake up. "...Roxas? Is that you? What are you doing here? It must be..."

"2:53. I checked." That was definitely Roxas's voice coming from under that hood, and he definitely sounded like he was crying.

Demyx sat up a little, biting his lip against the pain. "What are you doing here? What's wrong?"

There was a very long, very uncomfortable silence. "Axel's drunk again."

_...Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit._ "Oh, dammit...what's he doing? Where is he?"

"I...I dunno. Passed out in his room, I think. I warned Fori..."

Something wasn't right. Roxas should have been angry at Axel, not...afraid. "Roxas, turn the lights on and put your hood down. I want to see your face."

"Demyx..."

"Just do it. Don't make me pull rank." The room brightened, from some source other than the overhead lights, but Roxas didn't move. "The hood?"

A very, very long pause. "Fine," Roxas said in a very small voice, and lowered his hood to reveal a black eye and a split lip. Demyx stopped breathing for a second.

_Roxas...I was so sure Axel would never, ever hurt you, no matter how drunk he was..._

"Come here," he said without realizing it. "Let me get a better look at you." Roxas took a few slow, almost mechanical steps towards him and sat down silently in the chair next to his bed. "Poor Rox..." Demyx gingerly washed the blood off his face, wondering how in Kingdom Hearts's name it had come to this. "...Why?"

Roxas shrugged. "I...I dunno..." A stray tear trickled from his swollen eye. "He...said...I was right..."

Demyx blinked. "Right about what?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't say..." Roxas rubbed at his good eye. "He was so...angry...at me...I don't know why..."

Demyx shook his head sadly. "There probably is no good reason. He just...gets like that."

Roxas sighed, looking sick and dejected. "Will he _ever_ clean up?"

Demyx carefully examined the dragon tattooed on his left hand. "...I hope so, Rox. I hope so."


	5. How to Save a Life

_I promised this would never happen again._

Axel opened one eye, and quickly shut it again to block out the maddeningly-bright light and spare his pounding head. Everything smelled like whiskey and vomit - not a pleasant combination, but one that was all too familiar to him.

_I promised last time would be_ the_ last time._

Once again, despite all the promises he'd made, he was waking up hungover on the floor with no memory of how he got there.

_How could I?_

Slowly and carefully, he forced himself into a sitting position, with his back against his desk. Once in that position, he didn't move - for minutes, for hours, for days, he didn't care. As long as it took for his head to hurt a little less.

_I'll never be able to stop._

_This is what I am, and what I'll always be._

_Drunken. Abusive. Alcoholic. Monster._

What had he done? Who had been hurt this time?

Someone could be dead, because of him and his damn _drinking problem_, and he wouldn't know.

Tears were starting to seep from his eyes, and he neither noticed nor cared. How could he, Goddamnit? How could he? He knew what a monster he turned into when he drank - and drank he did anyway. He _knew_ it, and didn't stop himself. God, what a cruel, vicious scumbag he was. Even - no, scratch that - _especially_ to his so-called friends.

Dammit, his "friends" would be better off if he died. The worlds at large would be better off if he died.

He summoned a chakram and examined it listlessly, watching the way the metal blades and rings shone in the too-bright light of Kingdom Hearts. If he were to ever summon one in the middle of a drunken rampage...God, what could he do? He'd kill with it, no question...kill one, kill many, start burning things, start burning people...the bar he remembered going to yesterday could be down to a heap of ashes right now, along with everyone else who'd been inside it.

Demyx could have been killed.

Or Roxas.

And he would have no way of knowing.

He twirled the chakram once, watching the play of light on the razor-sharp points. An odd-looking, unconventional weapon it was, but effective. Highly effective. Especially in his hands.

That was one way to make sure he never hurt anyone else with his drinking.

"Quicker than whiskey," he muttered, and dragged the blade across his throat.

What happened next confused, surprised, and alarmed the hell out of him. He'd expected pain, a few moments of profuse bleeding, then oblivion. Pain he got, in quantity, and breathing - God, what the hell was going on with his breathing - like nothing was coming in or out through his mouth or nose - and that strange hissing bubbling sound coming from his throat - how could it - but _why the fuck wasn't he bleeding?!_

"...You so owe Roxas one..."

Axel tried to say something - _stop, go away, leave me alone, let me die,_ anything - but no sound came out, besides a faint choking gurgle. When Fori made a portal and dragged him through it to the hospital wing, he found himself unable to fight, unable to escape, unable to even protest.

* * *

_Is this what Demyx always felt like, when Axel was drunk?_

Roxas sat on his bed, taking in the room around him. For so long - entirely too long - it had served as Demyx's one safe haven, somewhere he could run to in an emergency, the only place in the castle where Axel wouldn't find him and hurt him, because no matter how drunk Axel was, he would never hurt Roxas.

So they'd always thought.

Roxas no longer felt safe in his own room.

_If my room isn't safe anymore...nowhere is safe. I'm not safe._

Kingdom Hearts, what now? How was he supposed to help Axel when he was now going to have to wonder all the time - whether this would be the time Axel turned on him again? Did Axel even want his help anymore? Had he simply given up?

Why had he done that? He knew what happened when he got that drunk...

_If there are any gods that listen to Nobodies, please, help Axel clean up and straighten out before he hurts anyone else..._

Roxas suddenly realized he was crying. Rubbing his good eye, he opened a portal to Demyx's hospital room, just because he couldn't stand the thought of being alone anymore. If he was awake, Demyx would be the best company he could get - it wasn't like he wouldn't sympathize.

Wasn't this how it had started for Demyx? Black eyes and bruises?

Now he understood why Demyx was never able to fight back...

He was just sitting there, staring at the portal; Demyx must be wondering what the hell was going on and what that portal was doing. Roxas had to force himself to stand up and stumble through it. "Hey, Demyx...I hope I'm not interrupting anything..." His voice trailed off as he realized Demyx was sobbing quietly, his knees drawn up to his chest. "Demyx? What...what's wrong? What happened?"

It seemed to take Demyx several moments to realize he was no longer alone in the room and look up. "Axel tried to kill himself," he said slowly.

Roxas collapsed into the chair as his legs seemed to turn to jelly. "What?" he said quietly.

Demyx nodded tearfully. "Cut his own throat with a chakram. If Fori hadn't been in my room..." He started sobbing again. "St-still dunno if he's gonna m-make it..."

Roxas shook his head in shock. "...Why?"

"D-dunno. D-didn't write a n-note."

Somehow, Roxas found himself crying even harder than he had been before coming to Demyx's room. "Why?! How could he?!"

"I don't kn-now..." Demyx said plaintively. He suddenly pulled Roxas in close for a hug. "R-rox, if he doesn't m-make it..."

_If he doesn't make it, neither of you will have to be afraid again..._

"N-no!" Roxas shouted, pulling away involuntarily as he tried to fend off the nasty thought that had just encroached on his mind. "He can't not make it," he added in a more moderate tone.

Axel had to make it. Had to make it through this crisis, and then had to make it through his alcohol dependency, so that someday, Demyx and Roxas could have their friend back the way he used to be, without ever having to be afraid of him again. If he was just...gone...

How could he?

* * *

Demyx hugged Roxas as tightly as he could with one arm, letting him cry on his uninjured shoulder. Oddly enough, he felt...well, he wasn't quite sure, but he thought he felt cheated. He'd been so hoping for another chance to talk with Axel, let him know how much he understood...but because Axel had done the exact same stupid thing he had, he might never get the chance. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Why now?

_I survived. He's stronger than I am; he has to survive._

"He d-didn't want anyone else to g-get hurt," he murmured. "That's w-why he did it."

Roxas looked up at him with teary eyes. "How do you know?" he asked, almost accusingly.

Demyx moved his arm so Roxas could see his dragon tattoo. "Lung Qin Xiang told me."

Roxas just stared - of course that made no sense to him, especially as Demyx and Lung Qin Xiang were more-or-less one and the same. "...What?"

Demyx gently touched the scar on his throat - of course, he hadn't done such a...thorough job as Axel had; he'd barely drawn blood before Xaldin yanked the knife out of his hand... "Same reason I did. He's just got a different monster inside." He shook his head and gave Roxas another hug. "I wanted to talk to him again...I wanted to tell him..."

_He's got a pair of phoenix wings. He's gotta rise above this._

"Do you...think I could...go see him?" Roxas asked hesitantly.

Demyx shook his head. "I dunno, Rox. Bad as it is..." He sighed. "Maybe Vexen's not done with him yet." It seemed a more palatable possibility than the thought that maybe Axel wasn't anywhere anymore.

Roxas snorted a little. "Before I got here, I was afraid of what would happen the next time I saw him. Now..." He gulped. "I'm afraid I'm never gonna see him again."

"You will," Demyx said fiercely. The conversation he wanted to have with Axel as soon as possible took on a sterner tone. How could he have been so bloody stupid? Didn't he realize they'd rather have him alive and drunk than dead?

Of course, that would sound pretty rich coming from someone who'd made no less than four separate attempts on his own life. Then again, Demyx knew what he was talking about. Hopefully Axel would remember where he was coming from.

* * *

Axel was extremely surprised when he returned to consciousness, mostly because he actually did return to consciousness. Surviving hadn't been on his agenda.

_Shoulda remembered Fori moved into Demyx's room..._

_So now what?_

On the plus side, stuck in the hospital wing, he couldn't exactly go out and get tanked...it's just that he really, really wanted a drink just then.

Fori was smart, no denying that, and obviously damned quick on the draw. But didn't the little dipshit have _any_ common sense? He knew damn well why Roxas had asked him to trade rooms with Demyx. Even if Roxas hadn't told him, he was smart enough to figure it out for himself. So why the fuck had he bothered? He should have helped him bleed out, if anything...

He could be a sadistic little prick, Axel had to admit.

_...Does Roxas know...?_

If Roxas knew, would he even care?

Would he change his mind, seeing him like this? Or would he be even more certain he was right, and there was no hope for Axel?

Was he even alive?

"What have I done?" Axel tried to say aloud. No sound came out; he may as well have just been mouthing the words. For an instant, he wondered if he'd gone deaf - no...he could still hear machinery, random noises he couldn't place...but why the hell couldn't he say anything?

He really needed a drink. Well, too damn bad and served him right.

With a shaky hand, he reached up to touch his throat. The first thing he found was a thick layer of gauze and bandages, presumably covering the injury itself...and under that, something that felt like a plastic tube that had been stuck in his throat.

He exhaled slowly. There was definitely air coming out of that tube.

He put a finger over the hole in the tube. Breathing suddenly became much more painful and difficult, with a nasty wheezy note.

_Okay, bad idea -_

Well, presuming he was going to be forced to survive. Which did seem to be the case.

If something really terrible had happened while he was drunk, they probably wouldn't have forced him to live. They probably would have killed him before he had a chance to wake up hungover and try to do it himself.

"Axel?"

_...Roxas...?_

He forced himself to look at the door - his stomach did some odd gymnastics as he realized Roxas was alive and more-or-less intact but not unscathed. "I'm sorry," he said automatically - and still no sound came out, as tears pricked at his eyes.

Roxas suddenly ran over and hugged him tightly. "Axel, you damned _idiot_," he said in a voice thick and distorted with unshed tears. "Why did you do it?!"

Axel gently stroked his little brother's hair, ignoring the tears running down his own cheeks. _I thought you'd given up on me..._

* * *

"Axel, how could you?" Roxas whispered, feeling helpless. "How could you...anything?"

Axel made no sound, just hugged him a little tighter and shook his head slightly. _I'm sorry_, he mouthed again, with tears flowing freely down his face.

Roxas blinked in surprise - he'd have expected Axel to actually say it, the second time. A cold knot suddenly formed in his stomach as he looked at the bandages on his neck and the plastic tube in his throat. "Can't you...talk?" Axel shook his head, and the cold knot almost tripled in size. "...Will you get your voice back later?" Roxas asked in a voice so small he could barely hear it. Axel just shrugged.

_Axel mute is better than Axel drunk. And Axel drunk is better than Axel dead._

It was just that he wanted so badly to have Axel back the way he used to be.

"Why did you do it?" he murmured, pulling away and sitting down so Axel would have his hands free to sign - what a useful talent that could be sometimes. But Axel just stared at him, giving him a bleak, hopeless look. "Come on, Ax..." Roxas said cajolingly. "Even if you can't talk, you can sign, right?"

Axel just kept looking at him, with an expression that might have been trying to be a sick, weak half-smile. Then his face fell even further, through pensiveness to confusion and finally to pure dejection. **I'm cold,** he finally signed.

"You're...cold?" Roxas couldn't believe his eyes. Axel, cold? Ridiculous. Hell, impossible. On impulse, he put a hand to Axel's forehead - the last time he'd seen Axel genuinely shiver, he'd been running a high fever. He sure wasn't now; in fact, his skin wasn't even as warm as it should be. It didn't seem any warmer than an ordinary person's. "I guess you are...for you, at least..." Axel's face twisted with sudden alarm and fear, and he gestured several times - not sign language; he looked like he was trying to conjure fire. If he was, he wasn't getting so much as a spark. Eventually, he gave that up and just stared at his hands with a bleak, horrified expression. "...Ax? What's wrong?"

One single tear trickled down Axel's cheek; Roxas watched it with a fascination totally inappropriate to a simple tear. **I was afraid of this,** Axel signed finally. **They took my powers.**

Roxas wasn't sure how to interpret that, or feel about it. "...Took your powers? Is that even possible?"

Axel nodded. **With drugs. They did it to Demyx once. Remember?**

Roxas nodded warily. "Yeah...I do remember...but...why?" If he remembered correctly, the elder members had drugged away Demyx's powers for a time because he seemed to have gone genuinely psychotic. Axel didn't; disregarding the suicide attempt and the effects of withdrawal, he seemed about as sane as he ever did.

Axel shrugged weakly. **I guess so I can't try again.**

"...Would you if you could?" Axel just shrugged again. "Ax..."

**I shouldn't be alive,** Axel signed, looking suddenly angry.** All I do is hurt people. First Demyx, now you - who's next?**

Roxas forced himself to swallow, in an effort to restore moisture to his suddenly-dry mouth. "Speaking of which...he wants to talk to you..."

* * *

Demyx knew exactly what he was going to say to Axel, right up until he got into the room and actually saw him. The awful bleak look in his eyes threw him off completely. "Ax..." Axel just looked away wordlessly. "Ax...!" He wanted to rush over to him, but he couldn't, without tipping over his IV stand. Which he very nearly did anyway.

As he struggled to keep his IV stand upright and his lines unkinked, Axel finally looked up at him. **So, you're finally not afraid to be in the same room...** he signed - right, Roxas had warned him that Axel had lost his voice. **Now that I'm harmless...**

_...Am I really ready for this?_

It was so easy to feel ready, back in his own hospital room, when he had nothing better to do than think and commiserate with Roxas...now that he was actually seeing Axel for the first time since being hospitalized himself - and in such a state, too - he admitted to himself that he didn't feel ready at all.

"Axel..." he croaked hoarsely, forcing himself to say something - anything. "I wanted to talk to you..." Axel shrugged listlessly, as if inviting him to talk. "Why did you do it?" he blurted out without meaning to.

Axel might have sighed, but no sound came out. **I can't stop drinking,** he signed eventually. **I never will.**

"Don't say that," Demyx said helplessly. "Don't even think it. It's only been a few days...I know you have a long ways to go, but you can beat this..."

Axel might have snorted, this time - had his vocal chords been utterly destroyed or something? **Beat this? It's part of who I am - what do you think it is? Cancer? A monster?**

"It _is_ a monster," Demyx said, to his own surprise. "Lung Jiu Gui." That last was even more of a surprise - _that_ certainly hadn't been part of his preplanned speech; he had nary a clue where it had come from. He had to admit it fit, though. _Lung Jiu Gui_ - the drunkard dragon.

It surprised Axel too. **What is that, and what does it have to do with anything?**

Demyx sighed and showed Axel the dragon tattooed on his left hand. Axel stared at it like he'd never seen it before. "Remember him? He's part of who I am, isn't he?"

Axel's stare transferred to his face. **...I don't get it.**

"You said alcoholism is part of who you are," Demyx explained a bit heatedly, making a new speech up as he went and hoping he could accomplish more than confusing the hell out of Axel. "So? Lung Qin Xiang is - was - part of who I am. Once I realized how he was making me act - what he was making me do - I _hated_ him. He's not me, Ax. He doesn't control me. He's nothing more than ink on skin now. Alcoholism doesn't have to be any bigger a part of who you are than that."

Nope; he seemed to have just confused the hell out of Axel. **First, the dragon had a few redeeming qualities. Second, I thought he was dead. Third, I'm not getting a bottle tattooed on me anywhere, ever. Fourth, I can't exactly turn into a dragon at will.**

"What happens when you get drunk, then?"

While Demyx tried to figure out where that had come from and how it had slipped past his brain, Axel's expression went from confusion, to slight indignation, to thoughtfulness, and then the light seemed to go on. **...I turn into a monster,** he signed reluctantly.

Finally, finally, thank all the gods, finally he seemed to be getting through. "Now you realize the monster is there," Demyx announced triumphantly. "Now you have to find a way to kill it!" Axel cringed and touched the bandages on his throat. "Not like that..."

**Didn't you blow yourself up?**

"...Different monster..." Demyx mumbled. "Lung Jiu Gui lives on alcohol," he said in a louder, clearer voice. "If you want to kill him - don't give him any!"

Axel took a deep breath that might have ended up as a sigh. **It sounds so simple when you put it that way,** he signed. There was a long pause before he lifted his hands again. **I don't know. It might help. It's not like I don't need any...**

"That's what we're here for," Demyx said reassuringly.

Axel's green eyes seemed to bore into him. **And why? After all the hell I've put you through, why are you still willing to help?**

"Why did you drag me back to the Land of Dragons? Why didn't you let me die?"

While Demyx wondered exactly what entity had been putting words into his mouth that hadn't been cleared by his thought process, Axel blinked at him, looking...well, stunned seemed the most appropriate word...for several moments. Then his shoulders sagged a little, but he almost smiled. **I understand now,** he signed. **I think...I really understand.**

* * *

AN: All right, who saw that coming? Besides the beta readers?


	6. Solace and Consolation

"Blood pressure is normal...body temperature is down to normal levels...inflammation has largely subsided..." Demyx bit his lip gingerly while Vexen wrote down his various findings. The Chilly Academic kept muttering to himself for a few moments, then looked up as if he was surprised to see Demyx still there. "Nine, you may get dressed and leave at any time."

"Oh. Uh. Thank you." Demyx blinked in surprise - he hadn't realized he was being released already. Well, not that he wasn't happy about it. And he certainly was feeling better than he had when he'd entered the hospital wing. He went back to his hospital room and started changing into the outfits that had been mysteriously left for him, already thinking about what he was going to do as soon as he was free. But the lingering pain in his shoulder and arm curbed his enthusiasm quickly, and made him take more care in putting his shirt on -

_Fire creased across his skin, from his head to his chest, and he staggered, dazed and blinded by the heat and the burning pain - it felt like his skin had been melted. The entire world on that side suddenly went silent - his hearing aid must have been destroyed - but that wasn't his main concern right now. His main concern was that Axel had taken the opportunity to grab him by the throat and pin him against the wall with one hand, while the other groped and fondled him with a clumsiness born of intoxication. "Axel, what are you doing?!" he choked, not caring that he was sobbing any more than Axel seemed to. He was suddenly gripped with the intense, sickening fear that he knew_ exactly _what was going to happen next - the tortures he'd thought he'd never go through again, that he'd imagined were confined to his nightmares, were about to happen all over again - at the hands of his best friend..._

_Axel licked his cheek, leaving a thin trail of redoubled pain where his tongue had been. "I'm gonna fuck you," he slurred, and suddenly thrust his free hand down the front of Demyx's pants._

Demyx suddenly found himself sitting on the hospital bed, cowering and sobbing, still no more than half-dressed.

_It will never happen again, _he reminded himself sternly. _Axel is going to quit drinking. He's never going to try to hurt you like that again._

He held up his good hand. It was trembling slightly.

_Grow a pair, Demyx. Get your ass dressed and get out of here. Go back to your room. Fori's room. Whatever._

Slowly, with shaking hands, Demyx pulled the rest of his clothes on, then portaled out of the hospital wing and back to Fori's room. He didn't feel an ounce better or worse or safer or more endangered there than in the hospital wing, truly; the best that could be said about it was that it was less oppressively antiseptic. And he still felt like crying.

_Dear Gods, what a loser. As soon as you're out from under Grandpa Vexen's eye, you're falling apart at the goddamn seams. Would you fucking get over yourself already!_

Demyx blinked, straightened up a little, and looked the little voice in his head straight in the metaphysical eye. _No._

As much as a surprise that reaction was to him, it was an even bigger surprise to the voice. _...What the hell?_

_Where were you after Port Royal? Where were you when I found out about the Edmund Fitzgerald? Where were you after the car accident?_ No answer. _How is getting beaten and nearly raped by your best friend less traumatic than spending a month in a coma and waking up not recognizing your own reflection, or getting beaten and nearly lynched by a mob? Why should I be over this already? Why should I be forced to recover too soon?_

Silence.

_Good. I'm glad we've come to some agreement. Now leave me alone._

_But you have to be stronger than - _

_Stronger than what? Strong enough to help Axel and Roxas. But strong enough is - why do I have to be so "strong" I get all ashamed and disgusted with myself for having flashbacks and nightmares and still being a little afraid? I'm not doing it. I've done it often enough in the past, and all I've ever accomplished is making myself even more miserable._

_But -_

_I am also not obligated to hate Axel. Actually, I feel sorry for him._

_But -_

_Oh, hush already. I'm gonna go look for Roxas. _And ignoring anything else the voice might have to say, Demyx checked his pockets for mezrabs and walked out. It was about time for sitar lessons anyway.

* * *

When the knock on his door came, Roxas's first instinct was to flatten himself against the bathroom door and pretend he wasn't in his room. A completely ridiculous reaction, once he'd given it a few seconds' thought, and heard Demyx's voice accompanying the knock. "Roxas? You in here?"

"Oh - yeah - sorry, Demyx - I was..." Was what? Expecting Axel? Axel was in the hospital wing, stripped of his powers, and would no doubt be staying there until further notice. Hiding? From what, if Axel was no danger just then?

Axel? A danger? Kingdom Hearts, how far could things deteriorate...

"Reading."

A thin excuse, seeing as how his bookshelves were in perfect order and there weren't any books lying around where he might have been reading one, but Demyx seemed to accept it. "Ah...well, was whatever you were reading more fascinating than sitar lessons?"

"No..." Well, he hadn't really been reading anything anyway.

"Good." Demyx summoned his sitar, handed it to him, and handed him the picks he always carried in his pockets. "Been entirely too long since your last lesson." His smile still looked a little strained, but his expression had lost some of the tortured, perpetually fearful quality it had possessed a few days ago. "And as long as I can't play myself..."

For some reason, Roxas's mind just shut down completely. It was several moments before he realized he was just standing there, looking at the sitar like he'd never seen anything like it before in his life. Dimly, he was aware that Demyx had just said something else, and was now looking at him with a concerned expression, but he couldn't think what he'd said to save his life. "Um...I'm okay. Really," he said weakly.

"Well, that's nice, but I just asked what you were waiting for," Demyx said awkwardly.

Roxas could feel his face getting redder. "Sorry. I just...zoned out for a second," he mumbled, then sat down on the floor. It wasn't until Demyx handed him a pillow that he realized he'd forgotten that important accessory. Blushing and mumbling even more, he shoved it underneath him and sat down on it.

_"Guesh y'were right, ya li'l shit...that make ya happy?"_

"Roxas, where is your mind today?" Demyx looked much more troubled than exasperated, despite his tone. "Did you forget how to play or something?"

"No...I just..."

"Forgot how to concentrate?"

"No..."

Demyx sat down on the floor next to him and ruffled his hair. "Well, there is something strange going on in there, and I'd like to find out what." Roxas didn't answer. "Does it have to do with Axel?"

No. Of course it didn't. He'd barely thought about Axel - just when Demyx first knocked and he'd thought it was Axel at first, and then when he'd remembered what Axel had said to him just before punching him in the face...well, at least that was just since Demyx got here... "Maybe..."

He shouldn't be scared. Axel was his best friend. At least when he was sober. And he was trying to stop drinking - he'd had one lapse, sure, but that didn't mean he was doomed to failure. He'd even...he'd even tried to kill himself so he'd never hurt anyone again...

"There's nothing wrong with being scared."

"I'm not scared..."

"Roxas..." Demyx's gently reproving tone drew his guilty gaze. "There's nothing wrong with being scared, but there is something wrong with lying about it."

"I'm not scared!" Roxas protested again, but his words sounded weak and unconvincing even to him. Demyx's reproving look had a greater effect than any threat or intimidation could have. "Well...maybe a little."

Demyx smiled crookedly. "Thought so." He sighed. "I am too."

Roxas blinked in surprise. "...You are?" Well, he had been hurt a lot worse, after all...but he was in no more real danger anymore than Roxas was... "It...doesn't make any sense, though. To still be scared. I mean...it's not like...he can hurt us...right now..."

Demyx's smile went a little more crooked. "That's how you know it's a genuine emotion. Logic has nothing to do with it."

Roxas just stared. "Are you serious? Is that really..."

Demyx nodded, his face quite serious. "Truly. I remember what it's really like better than anyone else, I think. And one of the key things I remember is that emotions and logic are two separate things. Most of them...it seems they just pretend to feel emotions that are appropriate to their current situation, and drop them once they seem unnecessary or when they decide that particular emotion is no longer appropriate. If you think you're feeling something when it seems to make no sense at all...it's real."

Roxas swallowed hard. "You're not kidding me or something, are you?"

Demyx put a hand on his shoulder and looked him straight in the eye - Kingdom Hearts, how long had it been since he'd last done that? It almost had to be since before the accident; Demyx had always kind of avoided meeting his gaze since then... "Roxas, I would never, ever kid about something like that." He smiled, more evenly this time. "Come on. I need some music."

* * *

Axel was still allowed to eat semi-solid food, which surprised the hell out of him - he'd been sure he'd either be put on a straight liquid diet or forced to live off of IVs until his throat healed. Not like this was really so awesome as all that - it hurt like a bitch to swallow anything.

_And now it occurs to me that that wasn't the brightest thing I could have possibly done._

He was getting the strong impression that aside from Roxas and Demyx, he'd become something of a persona non grata within the Organization - he'd had no other visitors, Vexen was being even colder to him than usual, Fori never passed up an opportunity to sling barbs at him, and he hadn't even seen Zexion, though he'd heard him around. If he ever came into Axel's room, he must have remained invisible and never spoke to him.

"Right. The highest dose he can tolerate. We don't want him to get a single shot - at escape, at hurting someone, at trying to off himself again, whatever." That was Xigbar's voice, definitely. Axel strained to listen in on whatever he was saying.

"You do know that there are...certain..." And that was Vexen, presumably talking to Xigbar. Whatever else he was saying was too muffled to make out.

Xigbar snorted. "I don't think that was a side effect. The poor guy was batshit on or off the parecin. I mean..." Axel couldn't make out some of what he said. "...before or after you started giving it to him?" Vexen said something unintelligible. "Not him...I wasn't talking about him anymore..."

Axel stared at the ceiling. They had to be talking about him, and the medication that blunted his powers - the parecin. And they must have been discussing Demyx's case too, back when he'd been given parecin after...after...

After Lung Qin Xiang. After Demyx turned into a monster.

He switched his focus back to Xigbar and Vexen's conversation. "Out of control, dude," Xigbar was saying. "I'm not about to trust him to leave the world, and I don't feel confident trusting him alone in this world as long as anyone has anything involving ethanol anywhere. He can't control himself. Obviously. And when he can't control himself, he's a danger to anyone and everyone. We just plain can't afford that. Hell, we should have done this a lot sooner, but better late than never. Especially better than _too_ late."

"I have no arguments with your logic...do you think it wise to post a guard, or..."

"Nah. Just lock the door so that it can't be opened from the inside or something. If he can't portal, he can't get out unless someone lets him out."

Nightmare visions were flashing in front of Axel's eyes - the cold prison corridors, the bleak stone walls, the view from behind bars of a world every bit as cold and bleak as the inside of his cell, never seeing anyone but guards, not even other prisoners, never seeing sunlight or blue sky except by rare accident, the clinical, impersonal box of the execution chamber - the room where the taking of a man's life was no longer considered a crime, but suitable and legal punishment...the horrible burning sensation, as if every vein in his body had caught fire, the slow suffocation as his lungs shut down while he was still fully aware of it...wishing desperately to beg the officials to stop it, stop it, please, something had gone wrong, he wasn't quietly going to sleep, he was going to die in excruciating pain, except the anesthetic had worked just well enough to paralyze him while leaving him wide awake...the little Heartless on his chest digging triumphantly at his heart as his body shut down completely...

_Don't do it, please,_ he wanted to scream. _Don't do that to me again._

He couldn't make a sound. He was voiceless, helpless, his fate already decided.

* * *

As little as Roxas seemed interested in sitar lessons today, Demyx truly wasn't much more involved in them. However, as long as Roxas kept acting distracted, and kept making stupid mistakes when Demyx knew he knew better, he felt he had to stick it out and offer corrections. "Come on, Rox...I know I've told you this before...only two fingers of your left hand. Keep the other two out of the picture altogether."

"I know," Roxas muttered irritably, correcting his finger position for about five minutes before his other two fingers slid back up.

Demyx sighed. "Roxas, I...Rox, _where_ is your head today? You've _never_ screwed that up before, and now, all of a sudden, you can't hold your hand right to save your life!"

"Shut up," Roxas growled. "If you think I'm screwing up so bad, _you_ play." He shoved the sitar at Demyx, then stopped, looking suddenly chagrined. "Sorry. You can't. I forgot."

Demyx looked at the sitar in Roxas's hands, biting his lip. He wanted to play - he badly wanted to play - but he couldn't; the pain in his chest and shoulder was just too intense... "What the hell. I'll give it a shot." He reached gingerly for the sitar and carefully put on the mezrabs that Roxas handed back along with it. "Here goes nothing..."

The pain was terrible, and soon became little less than excruciating, but the music was better than the pain was awful. In fact, the music was the only thing that even came close to blotting out the endless torment. Gritting his teeth, he let his fingers run free across the strings, seeking the blessed comfort that could only be found in the melody. As he played, the pain only became worse and worse, but he needed the music ever more desperately - only the music could provide any blessed relief from the pain - the pain of his burns, and the pain within his soul...as much as it hurt, he could not stop playing...

"Demyx, Kingdom Hearts, stop! You're gonna hurt yourself! You look _terrible!_"

Demyx was sharply jerked back to reality. A second later, he clutched at his injured shoulder - dear Gods, the pain - it was unbearable - how had he kept playing for so long - "Ah, Gods..." he hissed between clenched teeth. "That's _awful..._"

Roxas quickly took the sitar from his hands. "You're absolutely white," he said with obvious alarm. "Didn't it hurt at all while you were playing?"

Demyx gritted his teeth and shook his head gingerly. "No...not as long as I was playing...fuck. I gotta lie down now. At least for a bit." With Roxas's help, he slowly eased himself onto Roxas's bed, rolling onto his side in order to put as little pressure as possible on his shoulder. "All right. That's...a little better."

Roxas looked at him anxiously. With his good ear pressed against the pillow, Demyx had to read his lips rather than actually hear what he said. (You, um, want me to try to play something?)

"Nah...s'not worth the effort..." Demyx mumbled. "Just let me take a nap, and I'll be okay..." He was sure that he'd never be able to relax, considering how much pain he was in, but to his own surprise, he was out like a light within moments.

* * *

Roxas had been sure Demyx would be no more use for the rest of the day, but surprisingly enough, when he woke up, he downed a couple Tylenol and insisted he was functional. "I don't think I'm gonna try playing sitar again for a while, but I'm not gonna fall apart at the seams if I try to stand up...I could probably go downstairs and make you something for dinner, if you wanted."

Roxas held out an arm to prevent Demyx from sitting up. "No. No way. I'm not gonna let you try to hurt yourself again."

"I did not hurt myself..." Demyx and Roxas suddenly looked at each other, and both flinched involuntarily from an invisible third presence in the room. When Demyx cleared his throat, Roxas almost jumped. "Um...wanna go into Twilight Town for a few hours?"

"...Demyx, are you sure that's a good idea?" _What in Kingdom Hearts' name makes you think you're up for it?_ was what Roxas really wanted to ask.

Demyx shrugged lopsidedly. "Well, why wouldn't it be?"

"Well, you -"

Demyx sighed suddenly. "Really need to go someplace that has as few negative or disturbing memories attached to it as possible. Sorry, Rox; I..." He stopped suddenly, and shook his head. "There are very few places in the castle where I can be completely comfortable. Nowhere, actually; only uncomfortable circumstances are going to put you in the hospital wing, and I can't be completely comfortable in your room anymore when you're not completely comfortable here."

"But..." The more he thought about it, the more Roxas had to admit Demyx had a point. He couldn't even look at his own door without remembering Axel shouldering it open and staggering in, whiskey on his breath and murder in his eyes. All the memories of being in Twilight Town with Axel were happy memories, or at least didn't involve Axel being drunk or violent. "Are you sure you're up to it?" he asked, only because he wasn't at all sure that Demyx was.

"If I'm not now, I never will be." The look in Demyx's eyes said quite clearly that if he didn't get out of the castle for at least a few hours, he'd go insane.

Roxas sighed. "All right," he said, helping Demyx up and opening a portal. "But I'm gonna keep a close eye on you."

When they arrived downtown, it quickly became apparent that not all was as it usually was. "Ninth Annual Twilight Town Animal Shelter Adoptathon..." Demyx read off a banner strung over the street. "...Guess that explains the cages." About half the cages in question were empty - presumably their former occupants had already been adopted - and people in uniforms were setting up tents over the inhabited cages, probably to keep the sun off the dogs and cats inside. As the two of them watched, a brown-and-white puppy with paws ridiculously large for its size was removed from its cage and handed to an ecstatic little girl; the puppy barked and licked her face as her parents signed paperwork. Beyond the cages were temporary booths selling pet care supplies; they seemed to be doing a brisk business. "Well, it's interesting, I'll give it that. Let's check it out."

"...Why? It's not like we're going to be able to adopt anything..."

"Actually, we could, if we wanted to...don't ask me how I know this, but pets are allowed as long as they aren't truly intelligent or dangerous and don't have any magical powers of their own..." Demyx knelt in front of a cage containing a white kitten with dark paws, ears, face, and tail, offering it one of the silver pulls from his hood as a toy. The kitten batted at it and eventually caught it, pulling Demyx's hood tight. "Well...he - no, she - seems to like it..." Demyx choked, as he tried to loosen his hood enough to let himself see clearly.

Roxas sighed. "Demyx...just don't. Don't even go there. You can't take care of a cat right now - you can barely take care of yourself."

"I'm never gonna get a better chance, though," Demyx said as he retrieved the pull and dangled it just out of the kitten's reach. "Besides...she's so cute..."

"Pet therapy is supposed to be very helpful for those recovering from serious injuries or other trauma," said someone in a brown uniform, who'd apparently seen the bandages on Demyx's face and was hoping to encourage him to adopt the little kitten.

The line seemed to work; Demyx gave Roxas a very meaningful look, then turned to the woman in the uniform. "Can I get a better look at her?" The woman nodded, unlocked the cage, and handed the kitten over; as Demyx cradled it and stroked it gently, Roxas could hear it purring from six feet away.

"Demyx..." Roxas sighed heavily; there really wasn't much point in continuing to protest. Demyx seemed to have his nonexistent heart set on adopting that little kitten. Muttering under his breath, he leaned against another cage without paying particular attention to its contents, until he suddenly felt a sharp prick in his arm. He jerked his arm away and looked down to find a tabby kitten, colored almost exactly like a tiger, stretching all the way to the top of the cage and looking at him with bright green eyes. "Oh, no...not you too..._I_ don't _want_ a cat..."

"Mrow," the tabby kitten said calmly, blinking its green eyes at him as if to say "Resistance is futile".

"Don't even go there. I'm not gonna adopt you. For one, you don't know what a nut I live next door to - for all I know, Fori would eat you. I dunno if cats are considered edible in the Nexus or not, but they don't have much other food there."

"Mrow."

"I don't even especially like cats. If I was going to adopt a pet, which I'm not, I think I'd rather have a dog."

"Mrow."

"...Kind of a shame Axel isn't here, though. He might like you." For some reason, the thought of Axel didn't send uncomfortable sensations down Roxas's spine just then.

"Mrow?"

"Excuse me, sir - are you interested in this cat?"

* * *

_So what if you can see the darker side of me...no one will ever change this animal I have become..._

Axel couldn't even roll over. His ankle had been chained to the bed. Better than his hand being chained down - if his hand was chained down, he wouldn't be able to communicate at all - but, God, did they have to...

The ghost of poisonous fire ran through his veins for an instant, and for a moment he was unable to catch his breath.

He desperately wanted to pour himself a drink, and let the fire run down his throat instead.

_It's not the real me..._

_Lung Jiu Gui...or whatever the fuck Demyx called it...is not the real me..._

_Help me...help me believe..._

_"It is the opinion of this court that you are very likely past redemption, and in any case a serious danger to society..."_

_No, _Axel wanted to scream. _I can't be past redemption...please, give me another chance..._

But he'd already had another chance. He'd blown it. He'd thrown it away.

If he didn't have another drink soon, he'd go mad.

What the hell had Demyx said, anyway? It couldn't have been longer ago than yesterday, but damn, it felt like an age... _"Lung Jiu Gui lives on alcohol...if you want to kill him, don't give him any!"_

Easy for him to say. "Lung Jiu Gui" wasn't busily kicking Demyx's ass left, right, and center.

Axel had done that himself. He'd damn near killed him.

_But that wasn't really me...just like it wasn't really Demyx who kidnapped Roxas..._

But Demyx really hadn't invited Lung Qin Xiang in. He'd swallowed the dragon pearl by pure accident, not knowing what it was or what it would do to him - he hadn't even meant to swallow it; he'd just been holding it close to his mouth when he got bumped at the wrong time. Whereas Axel...had just kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking, knowing damn well both his parents had been heavy drinkers and knowing damn well his grandfather had died slowly and painfully from the effects of a life centered around the bottle, but all the while convincing himself it would not - could not - had not - happened to him. He'd invited the monster in, fed it handsomely, and willingly let it take him over.

Right now, it was pounding mercilessly on the inside of his skull, demanding its due - another shot, one more beer, or it would make Axel suffer endlessly.

Not like it wasn't already. It wasn't just the effects of withdrawal, but the grief, the guilt, the humiliation, all those things Axel would still have to live with in his head even if the monster was someday defeated.

_Fori was an idiot to let me live._

"Hey, Axel..."

Axel tried to tell Roxas to get out of here, forget him, just let him rot, but by the time he remembered his voice wasn't working, he'd also realized there wouldn't be much point to it. **Hi, Roxas...** he signed listlessly, then stopped. **Where did the cat come from?**

"Twilight Town." Roxas set the tiger-colored tabby down on Axel's chest; it sat there regally, as if declaring Axel its property. "Demyx and I walked into an adoptathon, and this guy wouldn't leave me alone."

**Right...** Axel had to jerk his hands back, because the cat tried to bat at them while he was signing. **Why did you bring it here?**

"Because I thought you'd like to meet him. Demyx is busy with his own cat right now; he might introduce you later."

The cat leaned forward until it was almost nose-to-nose with Axel. Axel had the impression that it was carefully scrutinizing him, and deciding whether or not he was fit to share its domain. He couldn't do much about it, except shove it off and risk a scratch or bite; it wasn't like the cat was going to understand sign language. **So...Demyx got a cat too?** he signed, holding his hands out of the cat's reach.

"Yeah. A little Siamese. He calls it Consolation, or Connie for short."

Axel thought about that for a long moment. A cat named Consolation...pretty ridiculous name, that...and then the tabby finished its examination and curled up on his chest for a nap, looking and feeling like a furry hot-water bottle, and Axel decided that maybe it wasn't all that ridiculous. **What's this one's name?**

"Haven't decided yet..."

* * *

AN: ...What?

Also, sorry I'm late.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, got it memorized? And "Animal I Have Become" belongs to Three Days Grace.


	7. Out ta Get Me

"Demyx? Are you doing all right in there?"

"Yeah...I'm okay..."

Something about his tone of voice made Roxas wary. He opened Demyx's - well, Fori's - bedroom door, not sure what he'd find. As it turned out, Demyx was sitting on the bed, watching his new kitten pawing at a little furry toy with a bell inside it that was dangling from the edge of the desk. "She seems to be doing well," Roxas said cautiously, not sure exactly what Demyx's current state of mind was except that it was likely to be fragile. "Are you doing all right?" he added, noticing how Demyx was cradling his injured arm.

Demyx nodded distantly. "Yeah...took a couple Tylenol a few minutes ago...just waiting for it to kick in..."

Roxas sat down next to him, and the kitten left off her game to twine around his ankles. "I hate to break it to you, but you may need something more powerful than Tylenol."

That had a totally unexpected reaction. Demyx's eyes flashed bright with fear for an instant, then narrowed with defensive anger. "I'm fine," he said, more hotly than necessary.

Roxas drew back a little. "Okay...I'll take your word for it...I just thought you might be more comfortable -"

"No." Demyx jerked his head away from him, wincing visibly as he did so. "I'm fine with just the Tylenol."

Roxas sighed. "Demyx, you're in pain. You're in a lot of pain. You can't even turn your head without looking like you're going to cry. I don't think the Tylenol is doing it for you."

Demyx pulled away, biting his lip. "It hasn't taken effect yet. I just took it a few minutes ago." The kitten jumped up on his lap, and he stroked her gingerly, with only his left hand. "Once it kicks in, I'll be fine..."

Roxas sighed again, well on his way to irritated. "Now what could possibly give me the idea you're in denial?"

Demyx's eyes flashed with anger and fear. "I'm _not_ in denial, and I _don't_ need stronger painkillers."

Roxas shook his head. "Demyx...listen to yourself...you sound exactly like you're in denial." Demyx started, then flinched. "See? You're actually afraid of taking painkillers. Why is that?"

Demyx glared angrily at him, then sighed and seemed to collapse in on himself. "I'm afraid of getting addicted," he said in a very small voice.

Roxas decided he should have expected that from the outset. "Well...guess I can't blame you for that..."

Demyx gently cradled the cat with his good arm. "Kinda stupid of me, I know..."

The cat mewed and batted at his chest. "Not at all," Roxas said. "Consider Axel's example."

"I...I know. I...I don't wanna be like that..."

Roxas unthinkingly put an arm around Demyx's shoulders, and Demyx nearly screamed. "Oh - I'm sorry - I wasn't thinking - but, see, that's what I'm talking about. You're in pain all the time, and you're miserable."

Demyx sighed, holding his injured shoulder. "Well...I've lived through worse, at least..."

Roxas snorted. "With the help of painkillers."

"I wasn't just talking about physical injury."

For a moment, Roxas was torn between wanting to know what Demyx was talking about and not wanting to bring up what couldn't not be an extremely painful subject. Eventually, he decided not to go there. "But, see, every time you were this badly injured before, you took painkillers, and you never became addicted..."

Demyx shook his head. "I know, but...Axel's been drinking for about as long as I've known him, and it took him this long to become addicted..."

"How do you know?"

Demyx started and flinched. "What do you mean?"

Roxas shrugged, wishing he hadn't opened his mouth. "Maybe he was addicted all along and it only became a big problem now."

Demyx thought for a minute, looking extremely uncomfortable. "I guess that could be the case...maybe if I'd realized it earlier..."

Roxas sighed. "Forget I said anything. He probably wouldn't have listened to you if you'd told him. Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it..."

"S'okay," Demyx murmured absently, reflexively stroking the kitten curled up on his lap. Roxas sighed and left the two of them there, wondering what sort of can of worms he'd just opened - and also wondering what might have happened if _he'd_ realized Axel had a drinking problem before he lost all control.

* * *

Vexen had told him the fact that he was actually in more pain now than when he'd first been injured was a good sign. It meant that damaged nerve endings were being repaired, and it boded well for him eventually regaining the full use of his arm and shoulder. Frankly, Demyx was unconvinced. Right then, it felt like he'd never be able to take a deep breath without cringing again.

He'd been through worse, though. At least this time, he had full access to good medical care, and a warm, comfortable place to sleep - or at least rest - at night, and a ready supply of decent food, and most importantly, people around that he could rely on completely and trust with his life.

_Yeah. People like Axel._

It was still better than leaning against a cold brick wall, hoping potential customers either didn't notice or deliberately ignored his blistered, frostbitten hands and face, because in the middle of winter, he didn't have any other way of making the money he needed for any sort of real medical care, or a decent pair of gloves, or food.

Thank the Gods Roxas hadn't decided to ask for details. He'd have been horrified.

Consolation rolled over and yawned, exposing a bright pink tongue and little white teeth. "You don't care, do you?" he murmured, tickling the cat's stomach gently. "It doesn't matter to you what I used to be..." Connie batted at his finger with her front paws - clearly not. "Thank you. You're the only one I'd tell, because I know you'd never repeat it." The cat's response was to stand up on her hind paws and put her front paws on his shoulder - his left shoulder, thankfully. "But since you don't care, it doesn't matter whether I tell you or not...you're probably not the least bit curious about it...you couldn't care less one way or the other that I used to be a _prostitute_."

In five years, he'd never consciously breathed a hint of that to anyone else in the Organization. But here he was, confessing to a kitten he'd just adopted yesterday. Connie blinked at him solemnly, as if to say "So what?"

Demyx gently stroked her fur, head to tail. "You're right. Odds are Axel and Roxas wouldn't care if they knew. Or at least wouldn't care much. Doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to tell 'em..." He sighed and blinked furiously, remembering the good old days when the three of them were nothing but best friends. No bullies. No victims. No helpers or enablers or guardians. Just friends.

"Mew," said Connie as she settled back into his lap.

"Why did you end up at the shelter anyway?" Demyx mused, more to himself than anything. "Did you lose someone you loved, and who loved you, and there was no one left to take care of you? Were you left out on the street? Did someone who should have been taking care of you throw you out like a piece of trash? Did someone who should have protected you hurt you instead?" Connie rubbed her head against the inside of his elbow, making him wince. "Maybe it doesn't matter to you anymore...I guess it shouldn't matter to me either..." Demyx sighed. "But it does. Axel was the first real friend I ever had. And he _is_ a real friend. He's one of my best friends. He never would have hurt me like this if it wasn't for the alcohol...sure, he's decked me a couple times while sober, but it was always a misunderstanding...besides, I always got back at him somehow..." He shook his head. "I sound like I'm trying to justify staying in an abusive relationship, don't I. But...it's only abusive as long as Axel keeps drinking...if he can just stop drinking, everything can go back to the way it was...can't it...?"

Demyx covered his face with his good hand and sobbed. What if nothing went back to the way it was? What if things had changed forever? What if he'd never be close to Axel again? What if Axel never stopped drinking? What if he died?

"Mew."

Demyx looked down. Connie was snuggled up against his stomach, looking up at him pleadingly as if asking him to keep stroking her fur. He did so obediently, praying that things did work out in the end, because he didn't think he could take it otherwise.

* * *

_Good morning, asshole. Welcome to another glorious day of having to live with yourself._

All Axel really wanted to do was go back to sleep and never wake up again. If it could even count as going back to sleep. It was more like passing out from exhaustion and weakness for an hour or two.

Roxas and Demyx were idiots. Stupid, naive idiots.

And Lung Jiu Gui kept pounding on the inside of his head and kicking at the inside of his stomach, demanding a drink or he'd make Axel even more miserable. Well, fuck that. He couldn't make Axel any more miserable. Axel could not get any more miserable.

He suddenly threw up over the side of the bed. Then again, maybe he could.

_You know what? Fuck this shit..._

Demyx and Lung Qin Xiang had never been truly separate entities. Axel and Lung Jiu Gui were even less so. There was Axel, and there was Axel drunk, and there was Axel going nuts from withdrawal. If anything, Axel _was_ Lung Jiu Gui. The drunken dragon. The drunken monster.

His hands were shaking uncontrollably as he wiped his mouth, wishing for a stupid glass of water to rinse with so his mouth wouldn't taste like spew for the rest of the day. The best he had was the sweat from his palms. And it wasn't like he'd get a chance to ask anyone for such a thing - the only people he was sure to see today were Vexen and Fori. Aside from the fact that Fori actively delighted in belittling him and Vexen treated him as somewhat lower than a Dusk, neither of them understood sign language.

It would have been nice if he'd just been left alone.

Alone to rot.

Like a prisoner on death row. Just waiting for the guards to come and take him away to the chamber.

Roxas's stupid cat suddenly hopped down from whatever high perch it had found for itself and settled down on Axel's still-roiling stomach. _That might be a dangerous place to be,_ Axel wanted to warn it. _You could be in the line of fire_. Even if he could have said a word, the cat probably would have ignored him completely. Cats were like that. Then the cat stood up again, and started rearranging itself for maximum comfort, and one paw landed in what turned out to be a very bad spot on Axel's stomach. He leaned over the bed and threw up again.

The cat had hopped off him as soon as he started moving, but as soon as he lay back, it returned, arranging itself on his stomach once more. Axel groaned silently, but the cat didn't move, nor did it poke him in the stomach and make him sick again. In fact, as long as it stayed there and held the hell still, his nausea actually died down a bit.

At least one thing was sort of going right.

* * *

"I don't get it," Roxas complained aloud to himself. "I know he was somewhere in my room last night." Either that cat was very good at staying just out of his field of vision, or he had simply disappeared. "Demyx..."

"Yeah?"

"Have you seen my cat?"

"Not since we got back from Twilight Town..."

Roxas sighed. "Where could he have gone so fast? I left my door shut..."

Through the bathroom doors - he'd learned to keep his own open since Demyx moved into Fori's room, because it made Demyx more comfortable - Roxas could see Demyx sitting on the bed, stroking his own kitten. "Did you take him anywhere?"

"Yeah, I took him up to Axel's room, but I also brought him back..."

Demyx shrugged lopsidedly. "Ask Axel. Just maybe he knows something."

Roxas sighed again. "It seems like a long shot, but...well, I don't have any better idea than that, so..." He shrugged. "I might as well check."

"All right. But, Rox..." Demyx suddenly looked hesitant.

"Yeah?"

"I...I...when you get back, I wanna talk to you...it's kind of important."

Roxas nodded and teleported right to Axel's hospital room. The missing cat was curled up on Axel's abdomen, accepting Axel's shaky-handed petting as though it were no less than his due. "...How the hell did he get there?" Axel shrugged without interrupting the petting session. "Oh, come on..." He picked the cat up, but he promptly squirmed out of Roxas's arms and settled on Axel's chest. "...All right...he seems to have adopted you instead of me..." Suddenly, an acrid stench caught his attention. "Axel...have you been sick?"

Axel nodded. **Sorry for the smell,** he signed weakly, holding his hands out of the cat's line of sight.

Roxas sighed. "Just wait until I move the litterbox...no, forget it. He can't stay here. You can't take care of him."

Axel shrugged carefully.** Blackmail Fori. Make him do it.**

"He might eat him..." Axel wrapped his arms protectively around the cat and shook his head. "...Or not."

Axel sighed silently. **I like this cat,** he sighed as the cat batted at his shaking hands. **He makes me feel better.**

Roxas quickly checked which side of the bed the mess was on, then went over to the other side and stroked Axel's hair gently. Axel seemed to relax at his touch, very much like a cat. "Axel...are you all right?"

Axel shook his head, his eyes gleaming with a strange, frightening light. **No. I'm not all right. I'm sick. Vexen is only making me sicker. He and Xigbar are trying to kill me. They just don't want the rest of the Organization to figure it out, so they've chained me up here and are waiting for me to die on my own.**

Roxas was having a hard time believing his eyes. "...What?"

Axel's hands were shaking more than ever. **You heard me. Saw me. Whatever. They're trying to kill me. Because I'm so dangerous.**

"...Axel, no they're not! They're trying to help you clean up! Sure, they don't want you to hurt anyone else, but they're not desperate enough to kill you!" Axel looked like he wanted to reply to that, but his throat bobbed suddenly, and he leaned over the other side of the bed and threw up. "Ax...!" Roxas rubbed his back gently as the disturbed cat hopped onto Roxas's shoulder. "Come on...no one is trying to kill you. This...this is just withdrawal symptoms getting at you."

The cat hopped back onto the bed, flattening itself against Axel's side. Axel looked up at Roxas, his face pale and slick with sweat. **Do you think I'll ever clean up?**

"Well - yes. Of course."

Now there were tears mingling with the sweat rolling down Axel's face. **I don't. Not right now.**

* * *

_Tell him. Don't tell him. Tell him. Don't tell him._

It was lovely to have a warm kitten to stroke. Demyx didn't feel like he was just sitting there worrying alone. Especially since it was taking so long for Roxas to get back.

"Demyx? I'm back..."

Demyx looked up quickly, trying not to flinch - it hurt to move his neck and head so suddenly. "Rox? Didn't you find your cat?"

"Yeah...he somehow found its way into Axel's room...no idea how...but he seems to prefer Axel for a pet Nobody. I left him in Axel's room. It seemed easier." Roxas sighed heavily and sat down next to Demyx. "...Axel's cracking up. He's convinced Vexen and Xigbar are trying to kill him, or at least deliberately letting him die."

Without really meaning to, Demyx started stroking Roxas's hair just like he'd been stroking Connie a few moments earlier. "Poor Ax. I hope it's just the withdrawal..."

"Even if he is..." Roxas shook his head. "He's not doing well. He's physically sick - he puked right in front of me. And he's so white and shaky..." Connie mewed and climbed into Roxas's lap, and he started stroking her fur almost unthinkingly. "He's in a bad way..." He rubbed his eyes. "Sorry. You had something you wanted to talk about?"

Demyx shrugged lopsidedly. "It's not so much that I had something to talk about, as I just wanted to talk." He bit his lip, wondering how he was going to start. "I...I'm just praying that someday, somehow, everything can go back to the way it used to be. When the three of us were just best friends, and Axel was the big brother, and...we didn't have to be scared, of or for him."

Roxas leaned on his shoulder. "I know what you mean. I wonder sometimes...if I ever had a friend as good as Axel before...and if I did, what happened to them and whether or not they miss me..."

Demyx couldn't help but give him a hug. "If they were anything like Axel, I know they do." He sighed. "I know I never did. I know I told you once that Axel was the first friend I ever had...when I got here, it was the first time in four years anyone cared whether I lived or died."

Roxas smiled wanly. "I did kinda get that impression. I have this mental image of you as a kid, sitting on a street corner in the cold and snow, playing sitar with an open instrument case in front of you in case someone took pity on you and tossed a couple coins in..."

Demyx took a deep breath. _If I keep talking now, there's no turning back..._ "That...wasn't the only thing I did. During the winter, I couldn't make much money playing sitar...I had to do something else."

Roxas looked at him warily. "I think you told me that once before, but you never said what else you did."

Demyx swallowed hard. "...I was a prostitute."

Roxas stared at him in confusion. "What? But...you were only a kid when you lost your heart, weren't -" His eyes suddenly widened, and he clapped a hand over his mouth. "Kingdom Hearts."

"I wasn't much younger than you are now...but I'd been doing it for a few years." Demyx sighed and rubbed at his eyes. Five years on, the memories kept haunting his dreams and his thoughts. He was still so disgusted with himself - "It was the only thing I could do," he murmured softly, as much to himself as to Roxas. "It was the only way."

"I guess..." Roxas said, looking a little stunned. "I mean...I suspected shoplifting or something. Not...that."

Demyx bowed his head. "I know...shattering, isn't it? I'm sorry..."

"Well..." Roxas hesitated. "I guess it explains a few things about you."

Demyx looked up at him dully. "Like what?"

"Like why you never seem to be happy with yourself. Why you're always so down on yourself. You seem to hate yourself, and I never had a clue why before." Demyx started a little - he hadn't expected that answer. "And...I guess, why you kind of mentally absent yourself from the conversation whenever I mention trying to get my memories back."

Demyx squeezed tears from his eyes and forced a weak smile. "That's part of what makes you so special. You're the only one of us who's not living under some sort of cloud. I mean, your past cannot have been pretty, because if it was, you wouldn't have lost your heart - but you don't remember it. You don't have to live with it." He sighed. "I'd like to forget."

Roxas nodded, looking intensely thoughtful. "I understand."

"...What are you thinking about?"

"What you'd be like if you couldn't remember."

Demyx snorted. "It'd have to be an improvement."

Roxas shook his head. "I don't think so."

* * *

Axel rubbed angrily at his eyes, wishing his eyelids would quit flickering like that. It was driving him batshit. Well, more batshit. Fuck, his whole body was shaking; why shouldn't his eyelids get in on the act?

God, he was going fucking insane.

Vexen probably gave him something to cause it.

What had Roxas told him? That Vexen was trying to help him clean up, not kill him? That it was just withdrawal symptoms working at his mind?

Fuck that. What did Roxas know?

The cat rolled over in its sleep - lucky cat, it could actually sleep - and started unconsciously kneading his side with its paws. The cat, at least, wasn't out to get him; he knew that for a fact.

What was its name, anyway? Didn't Roxas say it was...huh. Consolation? That rang a bell; Axel remembered thinking that was a stupid name for a cat...no, that was the name of Demyx's cat. What had Roxas said? What was it...oh, yeah. That the cat had no name yet. Well, if the cat was going to be staying in here with him, that meant Axel had to give it a name.

The cat roused a little and rubbed its head against Axel's bony chest, not seeming to care how badly his hands trembled as he stroked its fur. It seemed crazy, but that little tiger-striped cat seemed to be Axel's only tenuous link to sanity. It was real. It was tangible. It didn't pop in and out of his room like a ghost. It was there. It kept him company.

So Demyx had a cat named Consolation.

Huh. Solace and Consolation.

Solace wasn't that dumb a name for a cat. And he could always call it "Sol" for short.

Was it male or female? Axel checked quickly - male. Neutered male. Oh well. Actually, probably just as well.

_Solace,_ Axel mouthed to himself as he stroked the cat's fur. _Your name is Solace_. It would have been nice if he could have said the cat's name aloud, but...well, he couldn't and that was that.

The door opened suddenly. Zexion recoiled almost immediately. "Eight..." Axel shrugged helplessly. Zexion shook his head in disgust. "And of course this coincides with Fifteen's abrupt refusal to work in this area..." That baffled Axel - Fori didn't have a whole lot more respect for authority than he did, but he didn't just refuse to follow orders. He was neither dumb nor suicidal.

Then Zexion seemed to notice Solace for the first time. "...Of course. That would explain it. Fifteen is allergic to cats." Then he disappeared right back out the door, presumably for a mop and bucket.

Axel's first reaction was confusion and vague amusement. He couldn't imagine Fori being allergic to anything, barring maybe crucifixes and holy water. And cats? How mundane...but now, at least, he wouldn't have Fori making snide remarks at him all the time as long as Sol was in here...

_Shit._ The second part of what that meant started to sink in. Dammit, he needed Fori around. He needed someone who could keep track of his blood sugar and make sure he was getting the correct dose of insulin and come up with right answers in a flash as opposed to fifteen minutes...

_Oh, God. Vexen _is_ trying to kill me..._

* * *

AN: 'Tis an odd day.


	8. Coming Apart at the Seams

_"Leave me alone!" Demyx screamed hysterically._

_"You...li'l...bashard..." A quick burst of flame flashed across the room; Demyx was too slow to avoid it completely. That ridiculous hairstyle he'd been so fond was ruined, and he was blistered from head to upper chest. While he staggered, Axel grabbed him by the throat again and shoved him up against the wall - with his back to the wall, but he'd turn him around soon enough, once he got those pants off. His hand reached down to investigate - yes, getting Demyx's pants off would be like getting the lid off a treasure chest. And boy, did he want what was inside._

_"Axel, what are you doing?" The miserable coward was sobbing now, bawling like a little girl._

_Axel tried to lick his ear, but found it covered in molten plastic. Disgusting. "I'm gonna fuck you," he whispered. He licked his burned, blistered cheek instead, ignoring the whimpers of pain, then thrust his hand down the front of Demyx's pants._

If only the dream had ended there. If only.

But it didn't. It didn't end until it was too late. Too late for Demyx. Too late for Axel.

Once he awakened - once the deed was done, and it was far too late for "sorry" - Axel curled up as best he could, sobbing like a terrified child who'd known the last of hope. It wasn't until Solace mewled and batted at his cheek that he remembered it hadn't actually happened that way in reality. No. He didn't remember how it had happened in reality. He only remembered what Demyx and Roxas had told him.

He'd tried. He hadn't succeeded.

So they'd told him.

Was it true? Or were they trying to spare his feelings?

Oh, God, if he had...if he had...

_Am I past forgiveness?_

A monstrous form loomed out of the dark corners, revealing a vaguely wolflike head with a mouthful of razor-sharp teeth. Axel conjured a fire that existed only in his own mind, lighting the room - and revealing the giant, scaled form of a whiskey-colored dragon that filled the little hospital room easily.

This, then, was Lung Jiu Gui, seemingly made all too real.

Axel tried to fling fire at him, drive him back, drive him out of his room and out of his mind, but Lung Jiu Gui ignored the pathetic flames. He opened his mouth and roared, encompassing Axel in a choking cloud that reeked of whiskey and vomit - a combination he himself had smelled of entirely too often.

"Please! Go back!" Axel screamed; the only sound produced was in his own head. "I'm done! I quit! No more of that!" Solace suddenly appeared next to his bed, mysteriously grown to the size of the tigers he conjured in the Nexus, but Lung Jiu Gui raked his massive claws at him, sharp as withdrawal pangs, and Solace screamed and fled, leaving Axel alone with the dragon. The look in Lung Jiu Gui's wine-dark eyes held a promise of no mercy but death.

Axel was shaking convulsively, stricken by both withdrawal and fear. "Did I really rape Demyx?" he was forced to ask.

The dragon's dark eyes glinted, and Axel knew the truth.

He screamed, but no sound made its way through his damaged throat to reality.

* * *

When Demyx found himself being batted awake by cat paws, his first thought was that Connie was awake and eager to play, the fact that it was 4:00 in the morning and he'd been fast asleep notwithstanding. He reached out with his good hand and gave the furry body he found a gentle shove. "Not ri'now...'m sleepin'..." he muttered. The questing paw made solid contact with his burned cheek. "AaaaAAAGH!" He finally rolled over, not without substantial pain, and found himself staring not into Connie's bright blue eyes, but the bright green eyes of Roxas's nameless tabby. "...I thought you were stayin' with Axel..."

The cat meowed insistently and batted his burned cheek again, earning another yelp and a barely-forestalled swat. Demyx could hear something moving around in the next room - apparently Roxas had been awakened. "Demyx?" he heard faintly. "Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah..." Demyx called back. "Just your stupid cat wants to play..."

The door creaked open. "Well, he's not really my cat anymore; I gave him to Axel..." The room brightened to reveal Roxas standing in the doorway, in his pajamas. "What's he doing in your room?"

Even as he spoke, the tabby jumped off of Demyx's bed and bolted past Roxas and out the door. A few moments later, it stuck its head back in the door, meowing as if it was trying to tell them something. "I...guess he wants us to follow him," Demyx said hesitantly. He and Roxas glanced at each other, back at the cat, back at each other, then Demyx sighed heavily and stood up, and both of them followed the cat out the door and up the hall.

"Does anything about this seem as weird and unreal to you as it does to me?" Roxas muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Yes, but I'm still gonna follow that cat..." Demyx murmured back as the cat started heading up the stairs. "Where's it going?"

Roxas didn't answer until the cat turned a particular corner that the two of them recognized quite well. "I think it's heading for the hospital wing..."

_Oh, no. Oh, no._ Demyx picked up speed as the two of them approached the hospital wing, praying that either Roxas was wrong or the cat was just wandering around on its own and they were overreacting._ Please don't let there be something wrong..._

The cat ran right up to Axel's door and started pawing at it.

Roxas hastily shouldered the door open, and Demyx followed him in, reeling a bit from the intense heat in the little room. "Axel? Are you all right? What's wrong? Why is it so hot in here?" There was no reply. "Roxas...need light..."

The room brightened just enough for them to make out each other's features. Axel was lying apparently wide awake in bed, breathing hard and fast, face slick and gleaming with sweat, his eyes almost bulging out of his head. (Lung Qin Xiang?) he mouthed silently. (How did you...but you're dead, aren't you?)

Demyx drew in a sharp breath. "Ax...Axel, I'm Demyx. Lung Qin Xiang is long gone."

Axel wasn't done yet. (Tell Demyx I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...so sorry...) He held out his hands beseechingly. (Are you going to kill me for it? If not, please, help me...) Suddenly, Axel's eyes rolled back in his head. His entire body went rigid; a long moment later, he started twitching and jerking uncontrollably.

Demyx clung tightly to Roxas. "Roxas...oh, Gods...what..."

"He's having a seizure, Demyx." Roxas's voice was unusually low and intent. "That's what you look like when you have a seizure...Kingdom Hearts. Get Vexen. Get Vexen!"

* * *

Roxas didn't realize he was holding his breath until Axel shuddered one last time and went still and he suddenly found himself gasping. Head spinning from shock and lack of oxygen, he quickly sat down next to Axel, feeling his forehead - Kingdom Hearts, he was burning up with fever. He had to be disastrously ill... "Axel, please, wake up," he begged, even though he knew it was no use. Demyx rarely came around less than half an hour after a seizure, and Axel was so sick besides...

_Why? What's wrong with him? What's happened to him?_

Roxas sighed and stroked Axel's sweat-soaked hair gently. "Wake up," he whispered, knowing he was wasting his breath.

The door flew open, and Vexen stormed in, followed by a very frightened-looking Demyx. Without asking for an explanation - well, he'd probably received one from Demyx already - he started examining Axel thoroughly, checking his temperature, listening to his breathing, lifting his trembling hands, forcing his eyelids open and shining a little light into his eyes. "Delirium tremens," he said finally. "I'm almost completely certain...Thirteen, go rouse Fifteen. Now. His blood glucose may be at a dangerous level as well." Roxas sprang out of his chair and took off at a run back towards his room, making it a hundred yards in the wrong direction before he remembered Fori was staying in Demyx's room now. Fortunately, that realization came at about the same time as remembering he didn't have to run anywhere; he could teleport.

Instead of teleporting to just outside the door, Roxas teleported directly into the room, politeness be damned. "Up. Now," he choked, trying to catch his breath. "Axel's in trouble. Bad."

Fori sat halfway up, rubbing his eyes blearily. "Get the cat out of his room and I'll talk to you."

Roxas grabbed his arm, wrenched him out of bed, and dragged him into a portal, not even bothering to ask what his issue was with the cat. "You talk to me right now, or you die an ice statue when I tell Vexen you _wouldn't_ talk to me."

Fori's reluctance vanished immediately. "Right. Gotcha. What's the trouble?"

"He had a seizure, is the trouble..." Roxas didn't relinquish his death grip on Fori's arm until the two of them were in Axel's room. Demyx had taken Roxas's former place at Axel's side, stroking his hair and murmuring into his ear, while Vexen seemed to be preparing to move something fairly big into or out of the room. "...What's going on now?"

Vexen ignored him completely, reaching past him to seize Fori by the arm and force a small object into his hand. "Fifteen, I need a blood glucose estimate, immediately. Thiamine as well."

Fori was rubbing at his eyes and sniffling, looking like he was having to struggle not to cry - which baffled the hell out of Roxas; he hadn't thought the little demon had any substantial emotional attachment to any of them, especially not Axel. The small object Vexen had given him turned out to be a lancet in a sterile package, a tiny plastic bottle, and an alcohol swab; with what seemed atrocious haste, Fori wiped off one of Axel's fingertips with the swab, jabbed it with the lancet, squeezed a few drops of blood into the bottle, and fled the room, bottle in hand. Vexen hissed in irritation, but apparently chose to let it slide and bandaged Axel's finger himself. "That cat _will_ have to be removed," he muttered to himself.

Roxas knew better than to ask Vexen any questions right then; if Vexen answered at all, he'd snap at him. Instead, he took a place at Demyx's side, holding Axel's hand and wondering why Vexen would let Fori get away with doing a hasty job and bolting, and what the cat had to do with it. Demyx snorted humorlessly as Roxas joined him. "Never would have suspected...the little punk demon is allergic to cats."

"...What?"

"Fori. You don't think he was crying over Axel, do you? He was trying not to sneeze." Demyx quietly stroked Axel's hair. "Please, Axel...please wake up...why did it have to come to this?"

* * *

Demyx sat quietly, watching the two cats play together. Under normal circumstances, this kittenish wrestling match would have amused him greatly, or at least been good for a giggle or two, but just then, he couldn't so much as crack a smile. He felt desperate for human, or at least humanoid, company, but, dammit, he'd intruded on Roxas way too often recently...

_Didn't Roxas mention that I act like I hate myself?_

He stared at his hands blankly. Was that why he didn't want to go seek out Roxas's company? Was it really because he thought Roxas deserved to be left alone for a bit, or because he was secretly convinced he didn't deserve comfort?

"Hey, Demyx..." Roxas opened the door and invited himself in. "Feel up to joining everyone else for a meal yet, or would you rather I bring you some breakfast?"

Demyx sighed. "I dunno...I need company, but I dunno if I'm up for that much company." He should go and eat with the rest of the Organization. He'd have to someday. He just didn't want to yet.

Roxas nodded. "All right. I'll bring you something, then."

"Thanks..." Demyx finally looked up as Roxas was heading back out the door. "You're a good kid, you know."

Roxas hesitated, as if unsure how to answer that. "Thanks," he said finally, and left. Demyx lay back on the bed, with his feet on the pillow, watching the cats batting around a ball shaped like an abstract mouse.

_Axel...poor Axel..._

He accidentally moved his right arm the wrong way, and fire shot up his shoulder and through his memories.

Demyx shook his head, nearly choking from the intense pain. No, he couldn't keep holding it against Axel. Axel was suffering so badly from the effects of withdrawal now...whatever was going through his tortured mind had to be at least as bad as what Demyx had gone through...

Someone knocked on the door. When Demyx opened it, he found Roxas holding two plates. "You said you needed company," he offered by way of explanation.

Demyx couldn't help but smile. "Thank you. You are an awesome kid."

Roxas sighed and sat down on the bed, looking away. "Thanks...I just...I dunno how much longer I can put up with this."

Demyx sat down next to him, looking at him with concern. "Put up with what?"

"With having so much to worry about all the time...I mean...between you and Axel..."

Demyx put an arm around Roxas's shoulders. "I'm sorry, Rox. I know, I say that all the time, but..." He sighed. "I've been a bigger burden to you than I should - mostly by trying not to be a burden, and claiming I'd be okay without the help you and I both knew damn well I needed. Which was stupid and counterproductive of me. Of course, now I don't need as much help, but...thanks anyway, little brother. For all the help I wouldn't ask for. And I'm sorry so much of this shit has landed on you, but I'll help you as much as I can."

"Demyx..." Roxas leaned his head on Demyx's shoulder. "Sorry. Compared to you, what do I have to complain about?"

"Now don't you start apologizing pointlessly. I have to break myself of that habit. Now how about breakfast?" Roxas almost mindlessly handed over a plate, and the two of them started eating, as the cats broke off their games and started twining around their ankles in the hopes of receiving a handout. It didn't take Demyx long to realize something was up. "Rox...why aren't you eating?"

Roxas shrugged wearily. "Not really hungry, I guess."

Demyx gave him the best _look_ he could manage. "Roxas, eat. You can't forget to take care of yourself."

* * *

Roxas seemed to be spending a lot of time at Axel's bedside, holding his hand. In fact, if he was remembering right, that's where he'd spent almost all of the past three days since Axel's seizure, except for meals and sleeping. He was still hoping that someday soon, Axel would open his eyes and address him by name, even if he had to use sign language. Every day, that hope seemed a little more desperate; Axel was unconscious at least half the time, and the rest of the time, he was in no condition to recognize anyone.

_At least he still trusts me,_ Roxas thought to himself. Even though Axel kept batting at things Roxas couldn't see, mouthing words no one could hear, and shying away from threats that didn't actually exist, he clung consistently to Roxas's hand instead of shoving him away. He didn't react as consistently to Demyx; sometimes he seemed to trust Demyx and relax in his presence, but often as not he shied away, mouthing words that sometimes made Demyx's face crumple with tears. "What's he saying?" he asked Demyx when the two of them were there together.

Axel's arm suddenly shot out and latched onto Demyx, grabbing him by the elbow and pulling him down. Demyx's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets - Axel had grabbed his injured arm. He was going absolutely white with pain, but still somehow kept some fragment of composure. "He thinks I'm...Lung Qin Xiang...I dunno why...half the time...he's begging me for help...half the time...he thinks I'm gonna kill him..."

Roxas pried Axel's hand off of Demyx's arm before Demyx collapsed. "Well...why would you, or Lung Qin Xiang, want to kill him?"

Demyx slumped back, shaking his head and clutching his shoulder. "I dunno...he seems to think I know...and he goes out of his way...not to mention it out loud...fuck...that hurts..."

The next thing Axel reached for was Roxas's head, burying his fingers in his hair and pulling him closer. "Ack!...What's he saying now? Anything?"

Demyx's color was returning very slowly. "He wants you...to protect him...he says...'don't let him get me...don't let him get close...' Dunno who...he's talking about, but..." Actually, his color wasn't returning at all. If anything, he looked a little ill. "...I gotta go talk to Vexen." He stood up and quickly disappeared before Roxas could ask what he needed to talk to Vexen about. Really, Roxas's primary concern was getting Axel to let go of his head - something Axel seemed twice as reluctant to do now that Demyx had left.

Eventually, he wriggled out of Axel's grip and straightened up. Axel looked bereft, in a groggy, completely-out-of-touch-with-reality sort of way. "Sorry, Ax...or whoever you think you are right now...do you remember who you are? Or who I am? Or have you forgotten everything? Kingdom Hearts..." _Kingdom Hearts, why? Will he ever come back?_

For a long while, he sat there, wondering whether they were doing the right thing. Sure, it wasn't good for Axel to keep drinking like he'd been by any stretch of the imagination, but if giving it up was going to kill him, slowly and agonizingly...

Why had he ever started? Demyx had told him Axel had been drinking as long as he knew, and they'd lost their hearts at almost the same time, so it wasn't like Axel had spent years in the Organization developing a drinking habit before Demyx arrived...did he drink like this because his Other had been a heavy drinker? He'd have to have been younger than Demyx was now, but...well, Roxas knew there was some family history there; at least one of Axel's parents had been a heavy drinker...dammit, with an example like that in front of him his whole life, how could Axel go off and start drinking himself into a corner?

"Roxas..." Demyx had reappeared and was sitting down right next to him, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Are you all right?"

Roxas shook his head. "Yeah, I just...I was thinking."

"You think a little too much sometimes. Though I'll grant you have a little too much to think about."

Demyx's voice seemed to have a faint slur that Roxas didn't remember from earlier. "Are you okay? What did you have to talk to Vexen about?"

"Pain meds. I asked him for something stronger. If I start acting wonky all of a sudden, I've already had my first dose."

"Good..." Roxas murmured, because he needed to think of something as going right. "I told you you should."

Demyx pulled Roxas a little closer, letting him rest his head on his good shoulder, and the two of them spent several minutes keeping watch over Axel, who'd fallen unconscious again. Roxas was only dimly aware that Demyx was humming to himself until he started singing. "All will be well...even after all the promises you've broken to yourself...all will be well...you can ask me how, but only time will tell."

* * *

Those were the rare times when Axel felt even vaguely safe anymore - when all three of his guardians were present; the tiger, the lion, and the blue dragon. He'd have felt safer if he could have known for sure whether the blue dragon was going to protect him from Lung Jiu Gui, or turn on him itself - unlike the big cats, the blue dragon knew _everything_ he'd done, all the pain he'd caused, just as well as Lung Jiu Gui. And he knew, somehow, that the blue dragon had a vengeful streak.

But when he woke up, only the tiger was there, other than the vicious brown dragon that had been haunting him unceasingly. Lung Jiu Gui's wine-dark eyes were already boring into his, silently accusing him of rape and murder and destruction and a million other horrors that Axel could not deny, because he'd been drunk at the time.

And there were those images he kept seeing in Lung Jiu Gui's eyes...images of shoving Demyx against the wall and kissing him roughly, then forcing him to turn around so he was facing the wall, winding his fingers around his throat and hissing threats in his ear until he took his own pants off...

_But...Demyx said..._

The dragon's dark eyes glinted at him. _Do you imagine Demyx wouldn't lie to you to spare your feelings, or his own shame?_

Axel shook his head fiercely as the tiger snarled and paced between him and the dragon. No. Demyx wouldn't lie about something that important.

_You know what his past was like. You know what he went through. And you made him suffer through it all over again._

"No! No, I didn't!" Axel protested. "He wouldn't lie about something like that! Demyx just doesn't lie!"

_Not to protect himself. He doesn't lie to protect himself. You know him so well...you know he does nothing to protect himself. Even when his life might depend on it._

Axel covered his face with his hands. "But...the bruises..."

_He especially wouldn't defend himself if it would mean hurting you. Face the facts. You got beat up in a barfight, came home, and..._

"No!" Axel screamed. "No! I didn't! I couldn't have!" He clutched desperately at his hair, falling to his knees. "No...Demyx is not that stupid, and he's not that helpless. He can fight when it matters. I know he can. I've seen him do it."

_He'll fight to defend others. He won't fight to defend himself._

"No..."

_He especially won't hurt a friend._ Lung Jiu Gui's dark eyes glinted, and he hissed at Axel; his breath, as usual, reeked of whiskey and vomit. _Maybe if he wasn't so desperate for friends, he might have fought back...only the truly desperate would call such a drunken monster a friend._


	9. From This Nightmare

It was nice to not be in pain every so often. But was it worth it?

That was the question Demyx kept kicking around his head. Sure, he was more comfortable now on codeine than he had been on mere Tylenol, but he did not and had never enjoyed what the painkillers did to his head. At least this one didn't make him sick to his stomach, like some he'd taken before, but he didn't appreciate feeling dull and slow all the time.

And, of course, when he didn't take it, it didn't do him any good. Too bad he was still afraid of taking it.

_Oh, Gods, if I ended up like that..._

He'd seen what addictions could do to people, at the absolute rock bottom. He'd seen boys no older than Roxas willing to do anything for anyone, no matter how violent or demeaning, for one needleful of heroin. He'd seen boys as young as eight forced into selling their own bodies, because their fathers or mothers or older brothers were so desperate for crack money they were willing to destroy those they had a Gods-given duty to protect for the cash for one more fix. He'd seen people who'd had everything he'd ever dreamed of - a home, a family, a good job - and traded it all for cocaine, or meth, or alcohol...the one class on the street even lower than Edmy and his fellow child-whores, the junkies whose lives revolved completely around their chosen drug, so desperate for drug money they'd even chase the likes of him down the street, begging for five dollars to "call a mechanic" or "buy a cheeseburger" or "take their kid to the doctor".

He'd seen what those drugs did to people...shattered them, ruined them, reduced them to pathetic wrecks of their former selves and then killed them...but for the blessed, brief hours in which they took effect, they let them forget just how awful, how miserable, how not worth living their lives were.

_If not for the blessings of the Gods...that could have been me, so easily..._

He remembered Axel, lying in his hospital bed, utterly out of touch with reality...waking up to find Axel reeling drunk and puking his guts out outside his door...having to take missions in his place because he was too hungover to even crawl out of bed...Axel with his eyes and fists blazing, pinning him to the wall and licking his cheek...

Somehow, he found himself facedown on the bed, sobbing into a pillow, despite the awful pain in his shoulder and chest. He was distantly aware of a warm, furry paw batting at his neck, but he ignored that too, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Demyx? Are you okay?"

Demyx tried to force himself to calm down. "Sorry, Rox...yeah...I'm all right...just..." He tried to roll over, but rolled in the wrong direction and nearly passed out from the dizzying pain. "_Oh _my..."

"Demyx!" In a second, Roxas was right next to him, supporting him as best he could without causing him even more pain.

Demyx was gasping for breath, trying not to black out. "Sorry...just...rolled the wrong way..." Connie nuzzled his stomach, mewing insistently. "Hey, kitty..."

Roxas looked at him worriedly. "I thought you were on stronger pain meds now!"

Demyx nodded weakly. "Just...not taking as much...guess I...must've missed my last dose..."

Roxas handed him the bottle that was sitting on the bedside table; Demyx had no choice but to take the dose he'd skipped. "That's not the only thing, though," Roxas said while he was still swallowing. "When I came in here, you were crying."

Demyx nodded, not sure how much he wanted to say. After all, it wasn't like Roxas didn't have enough to worry about. "I was thinking...about what life was like on the streets. With the drugs...kids your age who sold their own bodies for a fix, or parents who'd sell their own children...people who flushed very good lives down the shitter...and I was thinking...that could have been me...that could have been Axel..."

Roxas sighed. "Vexen says he's getting better, but..."

"Well...maybe he is. I mean, as bad off as he was, there's a lot of room for improvement..." The pain was dying down a bit, but so was Demyx's alertness level. "As long as he recovers and stays clean..." Connie climbed up onto his shoulder and licked his hearing aid. "Hey! Don't do that! You'll short it out!"

Roxas cracked a faint smile - possibly his first since Axel went downhill. "She's flirting with you."

* * *

_How does that cat keep getting in here?_ Roxas wondered as he went up to retrieve the tabby from Axel's room _again_. It was like the cat had found a secret passageway directly from Roxas's room to the hospital wing, and while Roxas couldn't entirely frown on it, as Axel seemed to like the cat even when he was off his rocker, he just couldn't stay there. Fori had to check Axel's blood sugar almost hourly, and if he was too caught up in an allergy attack to do so, or was just too distracted to do it right...

Axel clung to his hand as he picked the cat up off his chest, mouthing words Roxas couldn't make out. Roxas sighed. "Sorry, Ax...I know you like the cat, but this is for your own good...Fori's allergic to cats, and he's gotta be in here testing your blood sugar all the time...you can't keep the cat in here..."

Axel's eyes were bright with fear, and he continued to mouth soundless words at Roxas. "Maybe you don't realize this, but you're not actually making a sound..." The cat squirmed out of Roxas's grip and batted at the plastic tube in Axel's throat, and Axel made a strange gasping noise and jerked away. "Well, unless someone screws with your trach tube, but that doesn't do you any favors..."

Axel seized both Roxas's hands; his own hands were shaking so badly Roxas could feel it all the way to his shoulders. "Come on...let go...I gotta get the cat out of here before Fori comes back, and then I gotta get dinner and get Demyx something to eat..." Axel didn't respond in any way Roxas could attach meaning to, especially not by actually letting go like he asked. Eventually, Roxas had to jerk his hands away, quickly scoop up the cat, and beat a hasty retreat, trying to ignore how Axel reached out pleadingly towards him, obviously pleading for help.

_I just wish I could actually help him..._

When Roxas got back down to Demyx's room, Demyx was stretched out and fast asleep, with his own cat resting on the uninjured side of his chest. The tabby immediately sprang out of his arms and pounced on a jingling ball, and Demyx's cat promptly jumped down to join him, which woke Demyx up in a hurry. "Unh...hey, Rox...what's up?"

"It's almost dinnertime...I was just gonna go down and get some food..." Roxas turned back to leave, but Demyx held up a hand, as if to stop him. "What?"

Demyx hesitated for a long moment. "...Don't get me anything. I'll wait until the kitchen's clear and make something for myself."

Roxas wasn't sure what to think of that. Sure, Demyx liked to cook, and was a very good cook, and it was a good sign that he wanted to return to one of his favorite activities...but with his chest and shoulder injured and causing so much pain...and Kingdom Hearts knew, Demyx stopped eating under stress...not to mention he had a history of suicide attempts and eating disorders... "In that case, I'll wait with you. You're a better cook than Xaldin anyway."

Demyx smiled, which was a relief. "Thanks." Roxas sat down in Fori's desk chair, and the two of them spent several minutes watching the cats playfighting each other for the jingling ball. "I don't know if I can thank you enough."

Roxas could feel his face turning red. "For what?"

Demyx shrugged lopsidedly. "Everything. Months and months of letting me hide out in your room when it wasn't safe to stay in mine. Taking care of me when I was too big a wreck to take care of myself. Keeping me sane when I was starting to go crazy. Keeping me company when I couldn't bear to face a crowd but couldn't stand to be alone. Everything."

Roxas knew he was blushing furiously, but there wasn't very much he could do about it. "Well...that's what friends are for..."

Demyx grinned more broadly than Roxas had seen in almost two weeks. "I love you. In a purely brotherly way."

Roxas's face couldn't not be bright red; he just knew it. "Well, when you put it that way...I love you too, in a purely brotherly way."

"Thanks, little brother. If I didn't know it would hurt, I'd come over there and give you a noogie."

* * *

"Come on, Rox. Consider it a learning experience. If that doesn't help, consider it a favor for a friend. I can't exactly peel those potatoes myself."

Roxas glared at Demyx uncooperatively. "You seem to be handling that knife pretty well..."

Demyx chuckled. "That's because when I'm trying to cut something up, all my right hand is doing is holding whatever I'm cutting in place, which, if I'm careful, doesn't put any strain on my shoulder. If I were peeling potatoes, on the other hand, even if I was holding the peeler in my left hand, I'd still be moving my right arm all over the place to get at the next piece of skin to peel off. And that would hurt. Your arms are just fine, however. There's nothing keeping you from peeling."

Roxas sighed and dropped another peeled potato on the cutting board. "There. You have fun with that."

"Thanks. When you're done with the potatoes, could you peel, oh, four onions and a few cloves of garlic? Peel 'em or chop 'em, and chopping 'em is a lot smellier."

"...I am gonna get something out of this, right?"

"Will dinner do?"

"...I guess. Here, that's the last potato."

"Thanks tons. Peel the onions first. They're the first thing that needs to start cooking."

"...Why am I here again?"

"Because I needed help and you needed a cooking lesson. That sound fair?" Demyx was that close to adding _It's not like Axel could teach you_, but quickly closed his mouth at the last second; all that came out was something like _ingh_.

Roxas looked over at him, one eyebrow raised. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah...hurry up with those onions. I'm hungry." Sure, Axel could make a few things worth eating, but not very many..._why am I thinking about Axel right now? I should be worrying about cutting up this potato without hurting myself..._ "After dinner, we should go upstairs and see Axel."

The sound of crinkling onion skins paused. "Well...I went up to his room a couple hours ago, to get the cat out before Fori came in...he was awake, but still out of it..."

Demyx sighed as he set the last cut-up potato aside and started chopping the first onion. "Well, if nothing else, we can be there for him."

Roxas shook his head as he peeled the skin off the third onion. "Will he even notice we're there?"

Demyx was glad he'd moved onto the onions; if he started to cry, it would be less obvious. "Of course. He always tries to grab at you when you're in there, doesn't he? If he didn't know you were there, why would he do that?"

"Good point..." Silence fell while Demyx chopped onions, garlic, ginger, and peppers, except for brief breaks when he asked Roxas to measure out some spices or hurry up with peeling the garlic. It wasn't until there was nothing left to do but sit and wait for all the vegetables and rice and lentils to cook that Roxas spoke up again. "Isn't this what you wanted to cook after you got so sick?"

Demyx nodded, once he remembered what Roxas was talking about. "Khichdi. Yeah. Good stuff, when you're sick or tired or just plain feeling down...we should save some to give to Axel when he gets better."

Roxas sighed and opened his mouth; Demyx was sure he was about to wonder aloud whether Axel would ever get better. But what eventually came out was "That's a good idea. We should."

* * *

For the first time, the tiger-striped cat Roxas had adopted in Twilight Town had deigned to sleep in his bed instead of Axel's. Roxas was grateful; for some reason, he could not get to sleep tonight. Memories were swirling through his mind, from as far back as he could remember - waking up in an abandoned alley, knowing nothing at all about himself besides a couple letters from his name, wandering aimlessly in the vague hopes of finding someone who could give him a clue as to who he was and where he was from, almost walking into a tall red-haired man in a black trenchcoat who'd scared the hell out of him until he realized how friendly and kind he was...

_"R and S? That's it?...Well, in that case...I think I'll call you Roxas. R-O-X-A-S. Got it memorized?"_

_"Roxas...I kinda like it. What's your name?"_

_"My name is Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?"_

_"...Do you say that every time you spell something out?"_

_"Not just then; I say it all the time...you want some ice cream?"_

"Mrow."

As the cat batted at his cheek, Roxas forced himself to roll over and confront it; only then did he realize he was crying. "What? Was I disturbing your sleep or something? Sleep on the floor if it bothers you...Demyx does it often enough..."

"Mrow." The cat - he had to choose a name for it sooner or later, except Axel might have already and he would have no way of knowing it - took the opportunity to burrow under the covers, nestling itself against Roxas's rib cage.

"Thanks..." Roxas mumbled. The cat felt very much like a warm, living teddy bear; very comfortable to share a bed with...except Roxas didn't even feel the faintest bit sleepy. He tried to relax in the position he was in, for the cat's sake, but soon enough, he was rolling back over, trying to find a position that seemed comfortable enough to let him rest. The cat quickly darted out from under the covers and perched on a bookshelf, blinking at him with flame-green eyes. "Sorry...I just can't get comfortable enough to sleep..."

_"Dammit, Rox...sorry. I warned you sometimes we get sent out on pretty long missions...I'm gonna be out of here for four days. With Demyx, of all people."_

_"...Is that bad? I know he just got his arm out of a sling..."_

_"Well, it's not like he's a real asshole like Marluxia...he's just not good for much."_

That was when they'd been sent to New Orleans...looking back on that, how could Axel have said that?

_"God, if I'd known what he was going through...and dammit, here I was thinking he was on drugs...and he...oh, poor Demyx...it must have been like a slow trip into Hell...why didn't I see it earlier?"_

If only there were some way to shut his mind off.

_"I'm sorry, Rox. It's just...it's not fucking fair. I...I dunno how I'm gonna put up with this. No candy, no sugar, no fried foods...poking holes in myself all the time...can't even sleep late in case I miss a dose...I...sorry. Are you getting sick of me bitching at you yet?"_

It was so uncomfortable to think about...had Axel been a closet alcoholic even then?

"Roxas? Are you doing all right in there?"

_"Axel? What are you doing still here?"_

_"Huh? What are you talking about?"_

_"You must have fallen asleep in that chair last night."_

_"Yeah, I guess I did...you look a lot better - feel better?"_

_"Better than I did when I woke up yesterday...not exactly great, yet."_

_"...Yesterday? That was three days ago."_

"Yeah. Just can't get to sleep."

_"Demyx? What happened to you? And what are you doing in my room?"_

_"Oh, hi, Rox...I, uh, got in an accident..."_

_"An accident? It looks like someone went and beat the shit out of you...Kingdom Hearts, was it Axel?"_

Demyx came in quietly and sat down on the floor. "Thinking?"

"Yeah. You told me I think too much...well, right now, I can't stop thinking."

Demyx sighed and said nothing; Roxas wondered if he was just going to sit there on the floor until one or the other of them fell asleep. Soon, though, he heard him start to sing softly in a language he couldn't understand. It didn't especially matter; the song had to be a lullaby, going by the soft, soothing tones and sounds. He listened silently, his racing mind settling down as he focused on the relaxing music. Before he was really aware of it, he'd fallen asleep.

* * *

_Ow. Stiff. Can't move._

Demyx opened his eyes to find himself sitting on Roxas's floor, which, looking back on it, was exactly where he'd ended up last night. He'd been leaning against one leg of Roxas's bed, and felt like he had the dent in his back to prove it. Hoisting himself off the floor one-handed, he stretched as best he could and took a few steps, trying to loosen up. Roxas was still asleep, which was reassuring.

But the tabby was gone again.

Connie was already up, looking mournfully at her bowl. Demyx sighed, opened the bag of dried food, and scooped some into the bowl for her; he would have preferred to give her something that more closely resembled his idea of actual food, but he couldn't open a can one-handed. Then it was time to take a dose of codeine, take his pajamas off when the codeine had taken enough effect that it wouldn't be torture, take off his hearing aid, and go take a long shower. According to Vexen, that was all-important - having the opportunity to examine his injuries for signs of recurrent infection, wash them carefully, keep his regrowing skin clean and cared for...not to mention get those damn Ace bandages off for an hour a day...

Something poked him through the shower curtain. He jerked awake, peered around the curtain, and found Roxas glaring at him. (Maybe you should try leaving your hearing aids in when you shower sometime. I thought you'd fallen asleep in there.)

Demyx blinked, feeling a little fuzzy. "I probably did."

(Well, I wanna shower too, so before you use up all the hot water...)

Demyx understood perfectly. He waited until Roxas was out of the bathroom, then turned the water off and dried himself off the fast way - by absorbing all the water into his skin - instead of spending the extra time it took to use a towel. Once he was vaguely decent, and had his hearing aid in, he went back and knocked on Roxas's bathroom door. "Shower's free, if you want it."

It took Roxas longer than expected to respond. "Thanks...have you seen Axel's cat yet this morning?"

"The only cat I've seen so far is my own..." Connie was playing with the T-shirt Demyx had set out to put on; he was perfectly content to just sit there and watch her, as long as she didn't tear it or anything. She was evidently having fun, which in his vaguely hazy state of mind was a perfectly good reason to postpone going about his day. When she crawled in one sleeve and poked her head out the neck, he couldn't help but giggle.

"Demyx...are you gonna spend the day in your boxers? Or do you think it might be a good idea to wrestle your clothing away from the cat?"

Demyx shrugged. "Can't put a shirt on until after I go see Vexen. Besides, it's not like I was going anywhere today..."

"Not even to see Axel?"

"...Good point." Demyx reluctantly dislodged Connie from his shirt, then put his pants and a loose bathrobe on while Roxas got dressed and went up to get breakfast. Feeling a little sleepy, he sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall, and Connie immediately took over his lap. As comfortable as he could be, with a kitten in his lap and painkillers taking effect, he came that close to drifting off again before Roxas returned.

Roxas sighed as he handed Demyx a plate. "Are you feeling all right?"

Demyx nodded wearily. "A little hazy from painkillers...nothing big..." Connie peered curiously at his plate, then tried to steal some of his scrambled eggs. "Hey, don't do that...I know I fed you..."

Roxas shook his head and sat down next to him. "Still haven't seen the other cat, have you?" Demyx shook his head. "He's probably back in Axel's room, then...I dunno how he keeps getting in there. It's not like he can open doors, can he? He must teleport or something..."

"Maybe someone left a portal open somewhere," Demyx suggested, laughing a little.

Roxas glared at him. "Come on...if Fori's allergic to cats, and Fori has to check Axel's blood sugar all the time so he doesn't, say, die of hypoglycemia or diabetic ketoacidosis...then doesn't that kind of imply the cat has to stay out of Axel's room for his good?"

"...I guess..." The two of them ate silently, taking turns having to nudge Connie away from their plates. Demyx had to struggle a bit not to nod off again. "This is why I didn't want stronger pain meds..." he muttered to himself.

"Come with me to retrieve the cat, as long as you have to go up to the hospital wing anyway. Maybe a longer walk would help keep you awake."

"Sure..."

* * *

Axel wasn't sure how much longer he was going to hold out. His guardians only kept watch over him intermittently, and Lung Jiu Gui never left him alone. The whiskey-colored dragon hovered around him unceasingly, his dark eyes boring right into his soul, reminding him of what he was...what he'd done...and his only defense was the hope that the dragon was wrong, and Demyx hadn't lied to him.

But if he had...if Demyx's version of events was true...why did he have to see what he did?

That awful scene was replayed over and over for him, every instant now bored into his memory to overwrite the blank void that covered those critical moments. Shoving Demyx against the wall, wrapping his hands around his throat, forcing him to disrobe under threat, stunning him with a quick blow to the jaw once his clothing was removed...so he wouldn't be able to fight at the most critical moment...

"Stop torturing me," he begged Lung Jiu Gui, trying to no avail to shield his eyes from the horrible scene. "Don't do this. Please. Just do me a favor and kill me quick...don't make me live with this..."

Those terrible eyes only glowed the brighter. _You deserve this,_ they said to him._ You caused this. Why shouldn't you live with it?_

"I don't want to," Axel sobbed. "I wanna die..."

As he collapsed to his knees, his hands fell against something soft - the golden lion that so often came to stand between him and Lung Jiu Gui. "Go away," he whispered, but the lion made no move to do so. Desperate for any scrap of comfort that might be had, he buried his hands in its mane and clung tightly as his other two guardians - the tiger and the dragon - circled around. "Make him go away," Axel whispered. "Make him stop torturing me..."

The tiger left off circling and padded up to him, rubbing its jaw against his shoulder. Now the two dragons were left circling each other, which made Axel's blood run cold - Lung Jiu Gui seemed at least twice the size of the blue dragon. Lung Qin Xiang would be easy prey if it came to a fight.

Yes...Lung Qin Xiang...that was the blue dragon's name...he remembered now...

"What are you doing?" he whispered to the big cats. "Go help him...he's gonna get himself killed..." But neither lion nor tiger moved, and Lung Jiu Gui towered over the smaller dragon, his dark eyes staring straight into Axel's as that awful scene started to replay...

But something was different. The first part was the same - the burst of fire, shoving Demyx against the wall, licking his burned cheek and stuffing one hand down his pants...and then Demyx's fist suddenly shot out and nailed Axel in the jaw, sending him reeling, and he didn't stop swinging until Axel staggered and hit the floor.

_It_ never happened. Demyx escaped.

Axel blinked. He suddenly found himself staring into the sea-colored eyes of Lung Qin Xiang, instead of Lung Jiu Gui's wine-colored eyes...and Lung Qin Xiang had suddenly grown several times larger, or Lung Jiu Gui had shrunk...the blue dragon suddenly towered over the brown... "What...was that?" Axel asked hesitantly.

Lung Qin Xiang's eyes shone. _Which is more likely?_ they asked him. _That Demyx lied to you...or that Lung Jiu Gui did?_

_Lung Jiu Gui lied...?_

Why had that never occurred to him before?

Lung Jiu Gui shrank even further as Axel watched...and he was dissolving...dissolving into...a table? Axel blinked at the lion whose mane he was clinging to, and slowly realized he had a death grip on Roxas's head. He quickly let go, feeling more than a little embarrassed. Roxas shook his head, rolling his shoulders around. "Eesh...thanks...nice of him to let go on his own for once..."

"For once?" Axel said, or tried to. No sound came out, and he remembered a bit late that he'd lost his voice.

"Dear Gods." Axel looked in the direction of the new voice - where he'd last seen Lung Qin Xiang - and there was Demyx, looking astonished. "Roxas...he..."

Axel held up his hands to try to sign something, wishing they'd stop shaking; Solace immediately batted at them. **I what?** he signed anyway.

Roxas's jaw dropped in slow motion, then all of a sudden, he hugged Axel tightly and wouldn't let go. "You're back," he whispered. "You're back. You're finally back."

* * *

AN: Uh oh. Slow author is slow.


	10. Return Too Soon

**I love you guys,** Axel signed lazily. The valium was having an odd effect on his mental state. **You saved my life.**

Roxas stroked his hair the same way he was stroking Solace's fur. "We're just glad you're still alive."

Axel beamed sleepily, hugging the cat a little closer. It was nice how the valium made his hands quit shaking so much, and helped to stifle the screaming need for alcohol. **After what I did to you guys...you're still willing to help...** He held his hands a little higher, to keep them out of Solace's reach.** I can't thank you enough.**

"You've done so much for us over the years," Demyx murmured.

Axel turned his half-open eyes on Demyx. **How's your arm?**

Demyx shrugged onesidedly. "Getting better all the time..."

Axel nodded. "Good," he mouthed silently, knowing Demyx would understand him perfectly. Between the medication and the cat on his chest, and the disappearance of those terrible hallucinations, he was relaxing for the first time since...since he'd first tried to give up the bottle...after...

He swallowed hard, ignoring the flare of pain in his throat. "I wanna talk to you in private," he mouthed to Demyx.

Demyx nodded and gave Roxas a slight nudge. "You'd better get the cat out of here before Fori comes back," he said softly. Roxas looked at him warily, but gathered up the cat and left. "All right...talk about what?"

Axel swallowed hard again.** ...What really happened that night?**

Demyx blinked. "What?"

Axel winced. **You know. That night. The...next-to-last time I got drunk.**

It was easy to tell when Demyx figured out what he was talking about. Axel just waited until he suddenly cringed like he'd stepped on a nail barefoot. "Oh...then. Do you...I mean, do you really...don't you think..."

Axel nodded, feeling a little sick. **I have to know.**

Demyx slumped into a chair, looking like he was about to be tortured and had no way to prevent it. "All right...I heard you rattling around in your room at 2:00 in the morning, and, like an idiot, I threw on some clothes and went to investigate just in case you needed help. You punched me, wrestled me to the floor, and tore my shirt and robe off; then, when I tried to escape, you choked me until I almost passed out." Axel was feeling increasingly ill as he listened. "While you were taking your own clothes off, I tried to escape again, and you knocked me around, shoved me against the wall, and kissed me. When I bit your tongue, you threw fire at me and shoved me against the wall again." Demyx's voice was growing progressively softer. "I asked you what you were doing...you said you were gonna fuck me, and stuck your hand down my pants...and I...I just lost it. I just started punching you until you went down and didn't get up, and then I ran off." He wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry...I...what could I do? What other choice did I have?"

Axel was finally feeling like he might breathe again someday. **Are you sure that's how it happened?**

Demyx sighed heavily. "Trust me. I remember every detail. I wish to hell I didn't, but I do."

**I'm sorry,** Axel signed. **I had to know the truth.** Secretly, he felt weak with relief. Lung Jiu Gui had been lying.

He wasn't past all hope.

* * *

_Why did he have to do that?_

Demyx sighed as he lay down on the bed, with his feet on the pillow. Being forced to remember that terrible night was approximately as enjoyable as rehashing his own death.

Actually, death had been more enjoyable. Freezing was a pretty painless way to go, after all, even with a Heartless waiting to crack your chest open as soon as you stopped breathing.

Dammit, now that he wished the codeine would actually knock him silly...

Connie jumped up onto the bed and started grooming his hair. He might have discouraged her, but his right arm couldn't move that far and his left arm was pinned underneath him. "What are you doing up there?" he asked instead. "I know I washed my hair this morning...go lick your own fur..."

Connie batted him with a paw, right between the eyes, as if to say _Hush; now lie still so I can finish._ Not sure what she really meant or what the point was, Demyx held still. Or tried to, at least. The sensation of having a cat licking his hair was a little too unusual to be entirely comfortable. When she started licking his forehead, he just couldn't put up with it any more. "All right! That's enough! You're g-_ahh_..." Trying to sit up, he'd accidentally moved his right arm the wrong way. The pain made him go cross-eyed for a moment. "Ah, man...can't wait until that's done with..."

He lay back down with his head on the pillow, this time; Connie immediately climbed on his stomach and curled up like a furry hot-water bottle. "Sorry I'm not exactly feeling lively right now," he murmured, stroking her fur gently. "I just...why did Axel have to bring that up?" He sighed. "If I were him, I think I'd be happier not knowing...funny, though; he actually looked kind of relieved when I told him...but why would he be? If I were him, I'd be horrified..."

"Mew."

"I dunno either." He sighed, shifting uncomfortably. Now that Axel had forced him to recall them, those memories just were not going away; they kept rattling around the inside of his head, reminding him of what had happened, what could have happened, what almost happened...He absently rubbed the knuckles of his left hand, ignoring the twinges and tight-skinned feeling in his right arm. He remembered entirely too well the terror, the panic, the desperation, the overwhelming need to escape somehow, the sensation of his fist slamming into Axel's jaw over and over...

"I had to," he whispered to himself. "If I hadn't...if I hadn't stopped him, I know he wouldn't have stopped himself..."

"Mew." Connie climbed up onto his chest and licked his chin.

"All right, what are you doing there? I know I shaved this morning..." Connie curled up on the uninjured side of his chest, with her head tucked under his chin. "Um...well, I hope you're comfortable." The kitten's purring seemed to make his whole chest vibrate. Demyx sighed. "I did the right thing, right? Better to hurt him than to let him...let him do that...?"

"Mrrr." Connie seemed entirely too comfortable to care one way or the other what Demyx had or hadn't done, as long as he didn't disturb her rest right now. Demyx sighed and resigned himself to serving as a cat cushion until further notice.

* * *

Video games just held no appeal anymore, Roxas decided. They were only really fun when Axel was there playing with him. Trying to play by himself...well, they were a little boring. Actually, kind of depressing too. Game time with Axel was somewhere between one of their mutual favorite pastimes and an integral component of his life. Game time on his own...it was like going to the movies by yourself. Or eating ice cream by yourself. It just didn't cut it.

_Maybe Demyx would be interested..._

Yeah, right. The last time Demyx had actually wanted to play any video game other than Guitar Hero, he'd been bored out of his mind and too weak to get out of bed for anything except to go to the bathroom. Besides, would it even be possible to play comfortably with Ace bandages wrapped around his chest and shoulder? Definitely not, considering how burned up he was...

_Why not. I might as well ask him. It wouldn't involve moving his arm around much; he'd probably be able to take it..._

Roxas quickly checked Demyx's room. Demyx was stretched out on his bed, fast asleep with a cat on his chest. So much for that idea. Roxas went right back to his room and opened a book, trying to lose himself in someone else's concerns for a while.

It didn't work. He couldn't help but remember that that was what he'd been doing the last time Axel had come into his room. It wasn't long before anxiety forced him to give up.

So...video games were no fun, he couldn't focus on a book, Demyx was asleep, and he wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable talking to Axel right then. That didn't leave very much to do, as far as Roxas was concerned.

He envied Demyx's ability to sleep just about anywhere, anytime. Except Demyx didn't seem to have that ability right then. Or at least he'd lost it for a while. It was probably his meds making him sleep right then, after all.

Well, maybe a change of scenery would help him relax. Keeping as quiet as possible so as not to wake Demyx, Roxas crept into Fori's room and sat down on the floor with his book. He wasn't able to focus much better than before, but at least he didn't feel so tense and anxious. Eventually, he even managed to force himself to focus long enough to read a chapter or two.

"Hey, Rox. What are you doing in here?"

Roxas jumped almost a yard. "Uh...reading...couldn't relax in my room...I thought you were asleep!"

Demyx sat up, running his hand through his hair as the cat hopped down and pounced on Roxas's bookmark. "Well, I was...then I woke up. Don't let me disturb you. Go ahead. Keep reading."

Roxas shook his head, retrieved his bookmark from Connie, and jammed it in his book. "Forget it. I couldn't focus on it anyway."

Demyx nodded understandingly. "So...what can you focus on?"

"Nothing, I guess."

Demyx raised an eyebrow. "Not even video games?"

"Not even those. It's no fun playing by myself."

Demyx nodded, then looked thoughtful for a moment. "Maybe I could play with you..."

Roxas blinked in surprise. "You want to? You think you can?"

"Can't be any harder than chopping onions..."

* * *

Life in the hospital wing, now that Axel was over the initial euphoria of his own continued survival and the discovery that he had not, in fact, done something unforgivable, had become extremely boring. Boring and depressing, since he couldn't talk, use his powers, leave the room, or roll over.

At least, with a cat sitting on or near him forty-five minutes out of every hour, and someone else in his room the other fifteen, he was no longer having flashbacks to prison.

Funny how much better the cat made him feel. The cat didn't seem to care what he'd done or hadn't done or how much he'd drunk in the past, just as long as he provided him a warm, if rather bony, place on which to sleep in this sunless world.

Solace was a good name for that cat. And if Demyx's cat was providing him with the same level of comfort, maybe Consolation wasn't as stupid a name as he'd first thought.

"Hey, Axel..." Solace perked up even more than he usually did as Roxas opened the door - for some reason, he was bringing Axel's dinner tonight, instead of Vexen or Fori. When he handed over the plate he was carrying, the contents turned out to be something Axel had never known Xaldin to cook before - he didn't even know what it was. "That's khichdi," Roxas offered by way of explanation. "Demyx made it for dinner a couple days ago; he insisted we save some for you."

Roxas was kind enough to pick Solace up and keep him out of the way while Axel pondered the dish. **What is it?** he finally signed.

"Rice, lentils, and vegetables. Nothing scary in there."

**Tell Demyx I said thanks.** Axel dug in without a great deal of enthusiasm or appetite, only the knowledge that Demyx was a good cook and that whatever he made - and it often fell under no category Axel recognized but "whatever" - it was bound to be good. It _was_ good; it was just his appetite, or lack thereof, that led him to set the plate down with only five or six bites missing. **Sorry,** he signed at Roxas's concerned look. **I'm not feeling very good.**

Roxas frowned and sat down next to him. "Sick to your stomach or something?"

**A little.** Axel sighed, feeling a little bit dizzy. **Blame the meds.**

"Well, you gotta eat to keep your blood sugar up..."

**I know.** Solace tried to squirm out of Roxas's grip to get at the food, but Roxas kept a tight grip. **I just...** Roxas just gave him a look, and Axel sighed and forced himself to take another few bites before giving up again. **You'd better get him out of here,** he signed, gesturing to the cat. **Fori should be here soon.**

Roxas looked down at Solace, who was still trying to get to the khichdi. "He really needs a name, doesn't he..."

**He has one,** Axel signed - though, granted, it's not like Roxas could have known what it was. **His name is Solace.**

"Solace...?" Roxas seemed to think about that for a long while. "...I guess it fits..."

* * *

As it turned out, playing video games was as much fun as Demyx remembered - namely, not very much at all. But it had helped keep Roxas's mind occupied with something other than Axel for a while, which was the entire reason Demyx had agreed to play in the first place. When he was on his own, though, it was far more entertaining to lie on his stomach on the floor and hand-feed Connie little bits of leftover turkey. It was much more fun to watch Connie pouncing and wrestling the pieces of turkey he flicked at her before devouring them than to blow the heads off computer-generated bad guys. "That's good, isn't it?" he cooed, not particularly caring what an idiot he probably sounded like. "Yes, it's delicious!" He laughed as the last piece he'd offered was thrown into the air before being caught and eaten. "Delicious and fun to play with!"

"Demyx?"

"Yeah?"

"You look like an idiot."

"I was dimly aware of that. However, Connie and I are having a blast. Right now, that seems more important than whether or not I look like an idiot."

Roxas sat down on the floor next to him, releasing the tabby cat he was holding; the tabby went straight for Demyx's plate without waiting for tidbits to be offered. "You know, that was for you to eat."

"I know. And I did eat some of it. How's Axel?"

Roxas sighed. "Still alive. Still mute. Still sane."

"How'd he like the khichdi?"

"Didn't eat much of it. Said he didn't have much of an appetite and didn't feel well."

Demyx sighed. He knew he ought to make allowances for Axel's condition, but dammit, he was proud of his cooking, and his grandmother's old, tried-and-true recipes, and if Axel didn't want to eat something he made, even if he was feeling sick to his stomach, well, that felt a bit like a slap in the face...

Not a slap. A punch. A hard punch to the jaw, one that sent him reeling long enough for Axel to start unzipping his robe...

Demyx was a little surprised to find himself lying on the floor, contemplating his clenched, tattooed fist, even though he remembered a second later that that was where he'd been when he zoned out.

_Is this normal? Is this right? Should I still be remembering it like this? Should I still be reacting to it like this?_

If even something so simple as thinking Axel didn't like his cooking could give him a flashback almost two weeks later...would he ever be really okay?

Connie left off chasing bits of turkey and climbed up onto his back, grooming his hair again. This time, he made no move to brush her away. He especially didn't care whether or not Roxas thought he looked like an idiot.

* * *

Roxas was more than a little irritated that he'd been sent on a mission while his best friends were still at the castle. Granted, they were injured and he wasn't, but it didn't feel right to leave them there - he belonged with them. And sure, it was only a short little mission - go here, look for Heartless, come back in six hours - but still. Someone needed to get the cat - Solace - out of Axel's room so Fori could get in there safely and comfortably. Someone needed to get Demyx some lunch, because he still lacked the confidence to do it himself. Someone needed to keep an eye on them.

_And pardon me if I think Axel and Demyx are more important than a bunch of stupid Heartless..._

Academically, he knew the Organization was coming up shorthanded - Axel and Demyx were both disabled, and Vexen, Fori, and Zexion were all part of the medical staff, though Zexion didn't seem to have been taking a key part in either Axel's or Demyx's health care. That was a full third of the Organization legitimately off duty. It was nice that Roxas had been given as long a break as he had, but he wasn't disabled, and he didn't really count as medical staff. He had to go back on duty.

Well, just because he knew the reasoning behind the decision didn't mean he had to like it.

He sat down on a rock of convenient height, mindlessly tapping Oathkeeper against his boot. He knew he'd never been to this world before, but it reminded him of somewhere he had been...he couldn't put a name to the world if his life depended on it, but he'd been there with Axel...they'd spent two nights there, camping out, and Axel had spent half the first night playing with the campfire while Roxas told him to knock it off and go to sleep already...

The little glint of yellow at the corner of his eye didn't even register until the Heartless had already pounced.

Kingdom Hearts knew, he tried to fight, but by the time he'd fully realized what was going on and had summoned both Keyblades, there were a dozen Shadows on top of him already, knocking him to the ground and weighing his arms down. Soon, it was all he could do just to keep them away from his throat and chest while still trying to get out from under them and back on his feet. As the Shadows kept piling on, scratching and clawing, a large black shape suddenly loomed above the mass of Heartless already piled on top of him - a Neoshadow.

With a yell, Roxas forced himself to his feet, scattering Shadows. Three of them clung to his robe as he raced through a portal, and another four darted through the portal after him before he could close it.

"The hell...?"

The stray Heartless were blown back against the wall by a jet of water as the ones that had been clinging to him let go. Roxas swung his Keyblades at them as fast as he could possibly manage, and they vanished into scraps of darkness. When he turned back to deal with the others, they were already gone.

"...All right...you'd better have...one hell of...a story..."

Now Roxas could finally look around and see where the hell he'd fled to. He was back in the castle, in Demyx's - Fori's - room, for some reason...well, as much time as he'd spent in there lately, it kind of made sense that was where he'd run to...and, Kingdom Hearts, his everything hurt; those Heartless had done their best to tear him to ribbons... "Sorry. I...got mobbed."

"I guess..." Demyx's sitar disappeared as Connie crawled out from under the bed. In slow motion, Demyx sank to his knees, clutching his shoulder. "Probably...shouldn't have...done that..."

Roxas was at his side in an instant, ignoring his own injuries. "Done what? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Tried to fight...is what..." Demyx hissed between clenched teeth. "Kingdom Hearts...that hurts..."

"What did they do to you?"

"Nothing..." Demyx gasped. "Never got...within five feet...but...feels like...like something tore..."

"Demyx -!" The Melodious Nocturne's face was getting whiter by the second, and there was a growing wet spot on his robe under his hand. "Oh, hell, I better get you to Vexen -"

Demyx shook his head weakly. "N-no...I'll be...I'll be fine..." With that, his eyelids flickered closed, and he went completely limp.

* * *

AN: I have too many things running at once...but here, have a chapter. :D


	11. The Voice of Hope

"Allowances can be made for individual members simply having an off day. However, an act of sheer carelessness of that magnitude is absolutely beyond the pale of what can simply be shrugged off. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Superior."

"You, out of all of us, are the one who can least afford to take idiotic, careless risks. I was given to believe you understood that perfectly well, at least until yesterday. This was an extremely simple mission; you have been sent on dozens of similar missions in the past - there was no reason whatsoever for you to allow yourself to be caught off guard and overwhelmed in such a fashion."

"Yes, Superior."

"Bad enough that you so foolishly put your own life in danger through your carelessness and inattention. Bad enough that you allowed a pack of rogue Heartless free entrance into the middle of the castle, accident or not. But leading them directly to Nine - you cannot possibly pretend you had no idea how badly injured he was. He could very easily have been killed on the spot. As it is, we are all extremely fortunate that his injuries from this particular misadventure are no more serious than they were - serious enough though they are."

"Yes, Superior."

"Dare I hope that you will take great pains to never allow yourself to act so carelessly in the future?"

"Yes, Superior."

"Sit up straight."

"Yes, Superior." Roxas could feel his face burning as he scooted back out of a slouch. He knew everything he'd done wrong. He knew he should have been on his guard and not allowed the Heartless to get the jump on him. He knew that he shouldn't have made a portal into the castle with a bunch of Shadows clinging to his robe, especially not one to Demyx's room. He knew that it was entirely his fault that Demyx had torn his half-healed shoulder open.

So was calling a meeting specifically to humiliate him in front of the rest of the Organization _really_ necessary?

The instant Xemnas said the magic word "Dismissed", Roxas was out of the meeting room and back in his own bedroom, flopping on the bed and burying his face in his pillow in an effort to block out the humiliation that far outstripped any damage caused by the Heartless. "Go away," he snapped when someone knocked on his door - it was probably just Demyx, but he didn't even want to see Demyx right then.

The voice that answered him came from inside the room. "You all right, dude?"

Roxas snarled into his pillow. "Fantastic. I'm doing just beautifully. I love public humiliation. I thrive on it." Normally, he'd never even consider talking to an elder member like that, but he'd never been in such a vile mood before, either.

"Your unofficial mentors seem to be rubbing off on you..." Roxas suddenly found himself levitating a few inches off the bed. "So, are you fit to carry on any sort of conversation, or would I get my head bitten off for trying to help?"

Roxas was forced to roll over and actually look at Xigbar. "Help with what?"

"Are you gonna talk or bite my head off?"

Roxas sighed. "I'll talk..."

"Smart kid." A moment later, Roxas was lying on his bed again. Xigbar sat down in his desk chair, facing the back, and swiveled around to look at him. "First of all - don't take that too personally. Granted, you screwed up. But the Superior was just lookin' for a chance to bite someone's head off, and you pretty much offered yours."

"Hmph," was all Roxas really wanted to say. "...Why did he want to bite someone's head off?"

Xigbar shrugged expressively. "If you want the simple answer, blame Axel. If you want a more complicated but more accurate answer, blame all of us. Possibly yourself included."

Roxas blinked, wondering what the hell Xigbar was talking about. "You're gonna have to elaborate that complicated answer."

Xigbar sighed. "All right...once it became really clear just how bad Axel's problem was, everyone ranked higher than him started yelling at each other, demanding to know why no one had intervened before it got to the level it did. And someone should have. No denying it. I guess...we just didn't know how bad the problem really was. I mean, it was obvious he was drinking a hell of a lot, but as long as it wasn't interfering with his missions..." He shook his head. "We didn't know what he was doing to Demyx."

Roxas sighed. He had known what Axel was doing to Demyx - he was the one Demyx always came to for comfort - why hadn't he said anything to anyone else...? "Axel beat up on him almost half the time when he was really drunk," he said defensively. "How could no one notice?"

Xigbar shrugged expressively. "Demyx is...very good at pretending there's nothing wrong even when there's something very wrong. Especially when it would involve getting someone else in trouble."

There wasn't much Roxas could say to that, except "You're right." That was exactly what Demyx did - in fact, the first time Axel had given him a really serious beating and he'd come to hide in Roxas's room, Roxas hadn't been there that night; when he'd found Demyx lying bruised and bloody on his floor, the first thing Demyx had done was try to convince him he'd been hurt in an accident. "I should have said something. I know Axel caught hell for it the first time, but...when he kept doing it..."

Xigbar shook his head slowly. "Kid, you weren't even here the first time. Not even Marluxia was here the first time."

* * *

Demyx felt abjectly miserable, and not just because his shoulder hurt twice as much now and he had to keep his arm in a sling until his torn skin healed. He'd never been so grateful that his injuries allowed him to skip meetings - he just knew this particular meeting had been called for the sole and exclusive purpose of giving the Superior the chance to tear Roxas a new one in public. Roxas didn't deserve that sort of treatment. He knew exactly what he'd done wrong, and though no one of his injuries was as bad as Demyx's, he'd probably needed twice as many stitches overall.

Add that to everything he'd gone through in the past few weeks, and...well, he'd just plain suffered enough.

What was he supposed to have done, anyway, let Roxas get eaten by the Heartless? He couldn't not have fought...even if it did mean tearing a six-inch gash in his half-healed shoulder...Vexen had warned him that his new skin was going to be more fragile than usual, but damned if he'd thought it was going to be that fragile...

He would have liked to cry just then, except he'd spent entirely too much time crying lately.

When Connie started licking his hair again, he not only didn't try to push her away, he actually welcomed it. He was starting to get used to her hair fetish, and once he got over how odd it felt, he actually found it kind of comforting. In fact, he could almost swear his hair was growing back even faster now...

"Demyx?" Roxas's voice sounded oddly choked. "Are you in there?"

Demyx didn't even raise his head from the blanket. "Yeah."

Roxas looked stunned and shaken by something, and it probably wasn't just the lecture he'd just received. "How long has this really been going on?" he demanded.

Demyx blinked. "...What? What are you talking about?"

There wasn't anywhere left to sit on the bed, with Demyx sprawled across it like he was. Roxas sat down in the desk chair, facing him, his eyes boring into Demyx's. "How long has Axel been hitting you? Really? I thought it had been going on for months, but I guess it's really been going on for years..."

Demyx gritted his teeth, wishing there was some way for him to avoid answering. "It's been going on on a regular basis for as long as you know of...but it's happened a few times over the years before that. The first time was a few months after Luxord joined. He came home drunk and punched me in the eye and knocked me into a wall. He caught hell for that - the next time the other guys went out drinking, he had to stay here and clean all the toilets, and he wasn't allowed to keep alcohol in his room for six months." He sighed heavily. "I...I know he deserved it, but...I just...I couldn't bring myself to like it. He was disgusted. He was furious with himself...after that, it was more than a year before he did anything to me again. That time, he kissed me. And...well, he found out about it somehow, I guess, from how weird he acted for a few days...or maybe that was just because Larxene joined within two days of that...but I never told anyone else about that. I didn't want him to get in trouble again. Next time he hit me, I just covered up the bruises and pretended nothing had happened. I...I know it was the wrong thing to do, but..."

Roxas sighed. "Demyx, I...I really don't know what to say to that."

"How about 'Demyx, you're a damned idiot'?"

"Demyx..."

"That's the first part down."

Roxas shook his head. "I'm not gonna call you an idiot. I'll give you this much - that was the wrong thing to do - but I can't call you an idiot."

"You should."

"Never say that again, okay?" Roxas sounded so definitely irritated Demyx was forced to look up at him. "You're not an idiot. You never have been an idiot, that I know or have heard of. You're a perfectly intelligent person with self-esteem issues dripping from his ears!"

Demyx thought about that, and might have reached up to touch his hearing aid if his left hand hadn't been pinned under him just then. "...I guess that's true." Except he'd been like that for years before losing his hearing.

He rolled over and rubbed his eyes. The people he trusted the most didn't think he was worthless or stupid or cowardly. They even thought he was brave and intelligent and very much worth having around. Maybe, if he could just trust them on this...

* * *

Axel had managed to find something good about Fori's cat allergy, other than finding a weak spot in the snarky demon's defenses that he could razz him about at a later date. It meant Roxas had to show up at least a dozen times a day, to either get Solace out of his room or bring him back. Except Roxas hadn't shown up yet today or yesterday, and Zexion had apparently been given the temporary job of keeping Solace out of the way for a few minutes while Fori checked his blood glucose. It was better than dying of insulin shock or ketoacidosis, but he would really have preferred Roxas.

And today, of all days, he really wanted to see Demyx too.

Thankfully, Roxas was now back on cat-retrieval duty. "Has Fori been here yet?" Axel nodded, and Roxas set Solace down on the table. Solace immediately jumped onto Axel's stomach, as usual. "I guess he's kind of both of ours, isn't he..."

Axel's eyes widened as he took in the bandages on Roxas's arms. **What happened to you?** he signed.

Roxas bit his lip, clearly not eager to answer. "Ah, yeah...they finally made me go back on duty...except that the first mission they sent me on, I botched. I botched it bad."

Axel winced on his friend's behalf. **How bad?**

Roxas sagged into the chair. "I...got mobbed by Heartless while I wasn't paying attention. When I tried to get away from them through a portal, some of them got through and into the castle - right into Demyx's room. Demyx helped me finish them off, but he tore his shoulder open pretty bad in the process."

Axel stared in disbelief. **...That's bad,** he signed finally. It was about as bad as he'd ever heard of, without someone being seriously injured. Actually, he'd never heard of a mission going so badly someone who wasn't even involved was injured. **How is he?**

Roxas sighed. "Well, his eventual complete recovery has been delayed a couple weeks, at least...he's not allowed to use his arm at all now..."

Axel shook his head. **That stinks. So how are you?**

"Alive. But the higher-ups aren't exactly happy with me."

Axel nodded.** ...I want to talk to Demyx. Soon.**

"...Like, now, soon?"

**Sure.**

"In private?"

**No. I'd prefer it if you were here too.**

Roxas nodded. "All right...if he's awake, I can probably make that happen." With that, he portaled away.

Lacking anything else to do while he waited, Axel started stroking Solace's fur, marveling at how little his hands were shaking. _So...is this gonna work, or am I just gonna make more problems for myself trying?_ he wondered. Solace started purring, which he took as a good sign.

Within a few minutes, Roxas returned with Demyx; Axel couldn't help but wince a little when he saw Demyx's arm was in a sling now. "Um...you wanted to talk to me?" Demyx said hesitantly.

Axel swallowed hard - well, it wasn't like he had anything to lose if he was wrong, it was just that he so wanted to be right about this just then...He put a finger over the tube in his throat. "Yeah...hey, guys."

It didn't sound the same. It was weaker, and scratchier, and boy, did it hurt to try to use it. But the effect the sound of his voice had on Roxas and Demyx...he would not have traded it for worlds. They both stared at him with wide eyes for several long moments, then Roxas suddenly grabbed him and hugged him tightly, ignoring how Solace yowled and jumped out from between them, and Demyx started to laugh for the first time in...well, it had been a while, that Axel knew of. Before long, all three of them were laughing hysterically, though Axel's voice disappeared again as soon as he moved his finger away from the trach tube. "I'd hug you if I was allowed to use my arm," Demyx giggled. "Fuck, Ax - I was starting to think I'd never hear your voice again."

Axel wrestled his arm out from under Roxas and put a finger over the trach tube again. "So was I. I'm glad this worked."

* * *

Roxas was aware that this should have ended up a great day - after all, Axel was finally getting his voice back. Unfortunately, wonderful as that was, it couldn't entirely block out that morning's meeting. When he went down to get his and Demyx's lunch, he was nothing but grateful that he didn't have to stay in the kitchen to eat it. He just knew that certain Organization members wouldn't leave him alone.

He was also grateful that Demyx was living next door to him right now, instead of Fori. Fori wouldn't have given him a minute's peace for two weeks.

Carefully avoiding making eye contact with anyone - and grateful that the lunch crowd was always smaller than the crowd at other meals - he dished up plates of rice and vegetable stir-fry for himself and Demyx and started back down the hallway, trying to get back somewhere private before anyone had a chance to start razzing him. He was so intent on getting back to his room as fast as possible, he tripped over his own feet, sending one of the plates flying. Or - no, he hadn't tripped over his own feet - he'd tripped over the end of a scythe.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," Marluxia said in a disgustingly insincere tone. "I had no idea you were there."

Roxas believed exactly no words of that - there was no good reason for Marluxia to have his scythe out in the first place, unless it was specifically to trip him up and make him drop the plates he was carrying, and he'd be damned if he thought Marluxia was the least bit sorry. "Right...right..." he said, backing down the hall. "Now I gotta go back to the kitchen and get another plate - otherwise Demyx is gonna go hungry -"

His route was suddenly blocked. "What, are you in a hurry to get away from the rest of us?"

Roxas tried to get around Marluxia, but that scythe was perfectly positioned to block off a good half of the hallway, and Marluxia was blocking the rest. "Demyx can't come up for meals right now, and -"

Marluxia smiled nastily. "I can scarcely believe my eyes - the wonderful Keyblade wielder, the darling of the Organization, boon companion to drunkards and street trash, refusing to eat with the rest of us?"

Roxas started backing off in the other direction, away from the kitchen. "I like Demyx more than I like you." Nettled by the insults to his friends, he added, "Everyone likes Demyx more than they like you."

The hallway directly behind him was suddenly blocked by the scythe's blade. "Is the little miracle worker, savior of us all, perhaps a little bitter that he's really not so much more special than the rest of us after all? Angry to learn that he's not above receiving the same punishments as everyone else?" Marluxia took a step closer. He seemed to be positively enjoying this. "In fact, if I were Superior, I might have dec-"

He suddenly froze in place. Roxas did the same, utterly baffled and more than a little frightened, until someone tapped him on the shoulder and asked "May I have that?" Roxas nodded mutely, even though he had no idea what "that" was, and Luxord took the remaining plate of food and dumped it down the front of Marluxia's robe. "Bloody irritating bastard..."

Roxas swallowed hard, trying to remind himself that he was no longer in danger of being sliced in half if he moved wrong. "Thanks," he said in a very faint voice.

"Any time," Luxord said, giving Marluxia a disgusted look. "Those are his two favorite hobbies...gardening and being a bastard. I swear, can't even stub your toe in front of him without him seizing the chance to rub it in for all it's worth." He sighed and shook his head. "Oh, and sorry about your food. I'm afraid you'll have to get some more."

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, I...I guess..."

"Go ahead. I'll make sure he doesn't go anywhere. And, um...tell Xigbar I need to talk to him. And where I am." Roxas wondered exactly what Luxord was planning to do, but he was sure it wasn't going to go well for Marluxia. He was right, it seemed - on his way back with the second pair of plates, he could tell the exact moment when Luxord finally unfroze Marluxia by listening for the screaming and swearing coming down the hall.

* * *

"He did _what?!_"

"Demyx, calm down! Don't hurt yourself!"

"No! How could you possibly..."

"Demyx! Demyx, calm down! You're going white, for Kingdom Hearts's sake!"

Demyx forced himself to take a few deep breaths. He didn't want to calm down - he wanted to stay angry - he wanted to beat Marluxia bloody and then shave his head - but there really wasn't a hell of a lot he could do right now. "Rox...I'm sorry, I'm just so bloody pissed at him..." He was so angry, in fact, there were tears of rage rolling down his cheeks. His friend had been bullied and belittled by one of the biggest assholes in the Organization. He couldn't stomach not doing anything -

Roxas shook his head. "You know, if it had been you, you'd be shrugging it off."

Demyx was caught off-guard. "...What?"

"If you were the one Marluxia had been hassling, you'd be busy pretending it wasn't that big a deal, not getting ready to drown him."

Demyx stared at him for several long moments, then, as he was forced to admit Roxas was right, he slumped. "Yeah," he said softly. "I am kind of a...pushover like that, aren't I."

Roxas sighed. "No. Not really. You just...tend to shrug things off like that, when they happen to you, but you get all protective when they happen to someone else. I told you not to worry about it. Xigbar and Luxord dealt with it. If you go blow up at Marluxia now, you're probably gonna hurt yourself."

Demyx clenched his good hand into a fist. "But still..."

"Just calm down. There's nothing you can do right now."

Demyx sighed. "I just -"

"Calm. Down."

Demyx squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back tears with his powers. "I...I..." He shook his head. "I give. I don't like it, but I give."

"Good. Does that mean I won't have to worry about you doing anything stupid?"

Demyx glared at Roxas blearily. "Roxas, you always have to worry about me doing something stupid. That's just the way I am."

Roxas glared back at him. "How often am I going to have to tell you not to call yourself stupid?"

"Good question." Demyx suddenly felt immensely drained. "Rox, can you...just leave me alone for a bit?"

Roxas immediately looked concerned. "Are you okay?"

Demyx sighed heavily. "I...I dunno. I will be. I think."

"You know, that's the wrong thing to say to get me to leave you alone."

"I know." Demyx lay back on the floor, trying not to make his shoulder hurt worse than it already did. "So I said the wrong thing. That's just par for the course."

* * *

"Thanks for eating with me," Axel said croakily. "It did get pretty lonely in here."

Roxas looked distinctly troubled, but he was clearly trying to shrug it off. "I thought you might be. Well, except for...Solace."

Axel narrowed his eyes a bit. "All right, what else is on your mind? Don't say nothing."

Roxas sighed. "First, Marluxia being an ass. Second, Demyx being an emo."

Axel raised an eyebrow. "Both of those are par for the course."

"I might also mention that the two are connected, and that Demyx originally wanted to throttle Marluxia."

Axel shrugged, keeping a finger over the trach tube and wishing that step wasn't necessary - it kind of interfered with eating, for one. "Well, despite appearances, Demyx does have a temper."

"I knew that." Roxas shook his head. "It's just...whenever he gets mad at anyone else, he always ends up mad at himself. I don't know why - it's not like he could have run off and beaten Marluxia to a pulp right then. Not without hurting himself at least as much. But he looked so angry at himself that he couldn't..."

Axel had to stop eating for a second to close off the trach tube again so he could talk - not like it was as huge a sacrifice as usual. He still didn't have too much of an appetite. "That's just how he is. He's kinda weird like that, but I haven't managed to break him of the habit in five years."

Roxas shook his head again. "Has he always been this down on himself?"

Axel sighed. "If he's not actively discussing suicide, then yes. The best you can really do is try to cheer him up when he's being a raincloud, and admit to yourself that sometimes he is going to be a raincloud and that trying too hard to cheer him up will make him even more of a raincloud." He paused for a few more bites of food. "And maybe go out of your way to reassure him that someone really is there for him, no matter how alone and friendless he thinks he is."

Roxas sighed and stabbed listlessly at his food. "Well...normally, I'd be eating with him."

"He wouldn't eat beef stroganoff anyway. He's probably gonna make his own dinner later."

"I know, but..."

Axel, oddly enough, was feeling psychologically better than he had in a long time. Maybe it had to do with getting to play the big brother for the first time in a long time. "If he's not acting really scary, just make sure he knows he's got friends, and catch up to him in the kitchen and ask for a sample of whatever he's making. It's almost as good as applause to him. I'm sure you've noticed before that he's extremely insecure."

Roxas snorted. "Yeah. It's pretty obvious."

Axel sighed again. "Something else you can do - play for him. Voluntarily take on extra sitar lessons. Or try to sneak his stereo out of his room, but I think sitar lessons would be easier - I mean, that stereo is almost as big as I am." He was secretly trying not to smile - right then, for possibly the first time, he was starting to think that maybe everything would be all right someday.

* * *

AN: No, I'm not dead. I've just been stuck in a creative wasteland for a while.

A very long while.

Sorry about that.


	12. Surprise Surprise

"Vexen, what are these? And what are they for?"

"Compression garments," Vexen intoned. "Like the elastic bandages, they must be worn for 23 hours a day at a minimum, in order to reduce swelling and eventual scarring."

Demyx looked at the sleeved vest Vexen was presenting him with - it looked extremely tight, and he suspected it might be painful to put on. "Are you sure..."

"Not one hundred percent..." Without another word, Vexen started undoing the Ace bandages wrapped tight around Demyx's arm and chest, then started carefully removing the gauze bandages underneath. Demyx watched with detachment; he couldn't see his own injuries very well, because that would involve turning his head to a painful angle, and he tended to avoid checking the mirror. He flinched a bit as Vexen peeled the gauze off his face and neck, but didn't protest - the codeine was working at strength. But Vexen was frowning as he examined the healing burns. "I'm afraid the skin is still too fragile for the compression garments. It will be Ace bandages for another week at least."

Demyx nodded as Vexen folded up the compression vest. "Does that mean..."

"You may return to your room. Return here once you've bathed."

Demyx nodded and portaled back down to his room - he shouldn't be thinking of it as his room; it was really Fori's. After all, he'd only been there for...how long had it been? Three weeks?

Three weeks...

He sat down heavily on the bed, as everything that had happened during those three weeks started running through his head all at once. That horrific attack - Roxas's insistence that he trade rooms with Fori - those first awful days, when he and Axel could hardly bear to look at each other - the infection that had scared them all so much - Axel's last drunken binge - the bruises on Roxas's face - the worst news he'd ever heard in his life - the news that Axel had tried to cut his own throat - his release from the hospital wing - going to Twilight Town with Roxas and adopting the cats - Axel's seizure and subsequent complete loss of sanity - those miserable few days of wondering whether anything would ever be okay again -

_But...everything will be all right someday...won't it?_

Connie rubbed against his ankles, reminding him of where he was and what he was supposed to be doing. Carefully peeling his clothes off, he stumbled into the bathroom to stand under the shower until he felt less sick. He was forced to remind himself to carefully wash his healing skin and examine it for infection, per Vexen's instructions.

If only he could wash the memories away.

He didn't even see why he had to wear the stupid Ace bandages all the time anyway - what the hell were they for? Reducing swelling? What swelling? The last time he'd noticed any actual swelling, his burns had been actively infected...and he had his doubts about what they could do for scarring. As far as he was concerned, scars happened, if you'd been hurt badly enough, and while there were certain things you could do to encourage them, there wasn't much you could do to actively discourage them.

He had to get out of the shower soon, because he had to get fresh bandages...or at least Vexen insisted he had to get fresh bandages...what the hell was the point? He was getting so sick of this cycle...all he wanted to do was go back to his room and hide under the covers until his arm stopped hurting and Axel was clean. Only the vague feeling that Roxas might eventually want to use the bathroom could get him to turn off the water and dry off.

But once he was out of the shower and dry, he just had to take a look at the man in the mirror. Granted, he knew the man in the mirror was his own reflection, but he hadn't really recognized him for a long time - ever since the car accident, in fact. Not for the first time, he wondered how many people in the worlds ever had the ability or the opportunity to look at themselves with complete objectivity - through a stranger's eyes...

Suddenly, he laughed out loud. _Is that seriously what I look like now?_

Sure, if he could actually recognize his own reflection, he might have burst into tears, or panicked, or had some other negative reaction. But as it was, even reminding himself forcefully that that was him in the mirror and that was what he looked like now, he couldn't help but laugh. His burned skin was growing back in an entirely wrong color - he looked like he had a giant birthmark, with most of his skin pale except for this giant hot-chocolate-colored splotch across his face, chest, and shoulder...

_That's not the wrong color,_ he realized suddenly. _That's the color it was to begin with. _White_ is the wrong color - it ought to be all brown._

That realization only made him laugh harder.

* * *

"You're doing good, Rox. Come on. You shouldn't need me to tell you everything by now - I know you're smart enough to remember at least most of it on your own."

Roxas looked cautiously at Demyx, but kept playing, and talking. "You're remarkably...upbeat, all things considered."

Demyx nodded. "I've been feeling better lately than I have in a while."

"Well, that's good..." It was good - it was excellent. Demyx had been acting pretty low for a while, and for him to be happier and enjoying life more was a big step in the right direction. This was more like the Demyx he knew and loved. It was just that this change seemed so abrupt... "What happened to get you in such a good mood?"

Demyx shook his head, still smiling. "It's gonna sound so ridiculous when you hear it...you know how my skin tone before I lost my heart was a lot darker than it is now?" Roxas nodded. "That's the color my skin is growing back in. I just looked at it in the mirror this morning. And - I dunno why; it just seems funny as hell."

Roxas stared at him, trying to picture what Demyx would look like with multicolored skin, and wondering why Demyx thought it was funny instead of freaking out about it. "Um...that...will be kind of...shocking...once you get your bandages off..."

"Shocking?" Demyx laughed out loud. "I expect I'll look like an absolute freak. But I can deal with it. I actually think it's kind of neat. Some of my skin is actually turning back the right color."

Roxas scratched his head, wondering what he could possibly say that wouldn't be mind-bendingly tactless. "Well, um...we're all used to you being this color, though."

Demyx shrugged. "Well, they can get used to me being two different colors."

Roxas sighed. "Well, at least you have a...healthy attitude about it."

Demyx shrugged again. "Look at it this way. I could freak out about it, and try to hide my face from the world, and call myself hideous and permanently disfigured and shit, or I could decide it was no big deal and laugh about it. There has been entirely too much going on that counts as a legitimately big deal. My face does not. If I later decide that it is a big deal - I can make a big deal out of it later."

Roxas nodded slowly as all of that percolated through his brain. "That...is a healthy attitude. That's a surprisingly healthy attitude."

Demyx chuckled softly. "Thanks. But you'd better get back to playing. You're getting distracted."

Roxas obediently turned his focus back to the sitar, or at least most of it. "Is it really, um...wrinkly and stuff?"

"Huh?"

"You know how burn scars sometimes look..."

"Oh. I think I know what you're talking about. I think that happens more with burns so bad you need grafts." Demyx closed his eyes, and eventually started humming along to what Roxas was playing. The conversation over, Roxas couldn't do anything but play, despite all the half-formed questions he wished he could ask.

* * *

"So, what do you do when you have to do your thing?" Axel asked Solace cheerfully, as he tried to get used to using his legs and his voice again. "Roxas tells me you kept mysteriously escaping from his room and getting into mine, even though my door was locked...so do you magically go back to his room to use the litterbox?" Solace just meowed at him. "I wondered." Axel stretched out until he could put his palms flat against the ceiling, then relaxed. "Damn, that feels good!"

"Mrow," Solace said irritably as he hopped onto the hospital bed - Axel had nearly stepped on his tail by accident.

"Sorry about that...hard to watch what your feet are doing all the time when they're so far away from your head...maybe you should have stuck with Roxas. His head is closer to the ground."

"Mrow."

"It's not my fault..." Axel sat down on the end of the bed and kicked his legs idly. "Well, whatever you were using, it had to be more pleasant than having to ring a bell and wait for someone to unchain you and lead you to the bathroom...especially when the bathroom door is standing open not two yards away from the bed...and you just have to hope someone with a set of keys hears the bell before you wet your pants or shit yourself..."

"Ew!"

Axel grinned and bowed with a flourish. "I do my best, Roxas," he said as soon as his finger was covering the trach tube again.

"Great." Roxas sat down heavily in the chair. "Glad to know you're up and moving...I just had a really surreal conversation with Demyx..."

"About what?" Axel asked casually, not particularly alarmed by this news.

"His face."

Axel blinked a bit in surprise. "Okay, what about his face?"

Roxas sighed. "What it's going to look like once the bandages come off." A sudden chill settled into Axel's chest. "He says his skin is growing back brown. Darker enough than the rest of him to notice."

Axel sighed heavily and buried his head in his hands, wondering how he was going to cope with having permanently disfigured one of his best friends. "How's he taking it?" he asked - he had to try twice, because the first time, he forgot to cover the trach tube, and no sound came out.

"Amazingly well," Roxas answered. "He actually thought it was funny, for Kingdom Hearts' sake. Something about that being the color he was supposed to be in the first place."

Axel nodded very slowly. "Well...remember when he got turned into a little kid for a week...remember the color his skin was..."

Roxas rubbed his forehead, wincing a little. "Yeah...but trying to imagine him with two different colors of skin is a little mind-bending."

Axel sighed. "Yeah. At - at least he's okay with it." But how would he ever look him in the face again...

* * *

Demyx's first impulse was to jump up and give Xemnas a big hug. Fortunately, he remembered how much trouble that would probably cause him versus how much fun it would be. "I'm getting a what?"

"An enclosed garden space, approximately fifteen feet square, outside the castle, in exchange for dedicated service frequently rising above and beyond the call of duty..." Xemnas appeared to pay no attention to Demyx's excitement. His voice was as droning as usual.

Demyx didn't care. He was overjoyed. "Can I have a pond? A big pond - big enough to keep fish in?"

That seemed to throw Xemnas off a bit. "I...see no reason why not..."

Demyx grinned even more broadly, even though it made his burned cheek hurt a little. "Excellent! Where is it?"

Xemnas looked a little unsettled by Demyx's enthusiasm. "Five can show you exactly where it is..." He gestured, and Lexaeus stepped forward.

Lexaeus gently propelled him through a portal, careful of his injured shoulder. "It's right beneath your window..."

"Awesome..." Demyx stepped through the portal and got his first look at his new garden - a square chunk of bare dirt with walls around it. He was delighted. He immediately sat down on the ground and started daydreaming about how his garden could look - flowering trees, preferably hanging trees that would dip their lowest branches delicately into the pond full of goldfish and water plants, especially water lilies and reeds, with ferns and mossy rocks around the edges, and of course benches to sit on and think...

"How large a pond would you like?"

Demyx blinked in surprise - he hadn't been expecting that question. "Oh, um...pretty big, but not taking up the whole space. Maybe ten by ten feet or so. And, um, at least three feet deep at its deepest." Lexaeus nodded and held out a hand, and suddenly the area in the middle of the bare ground sank, forming an irregular depression about three feet deep in the middle. Demyx could have fainted with joy. "Is - is that it? Fantastic!"

"It still needs a liner and a pump and such," Lexaeus said warningly.

Demyx nodded absently. "Yeah...I know...there's still work to do..." He was still busy daydreaming of willows and water lilies. "When can we get started with the rest of it?" he asked, quickly pulling himself to his feet - and very nearly collapsing. "Aah..."

Lexaeus caught him and held him up, more careful of his injured shoulder than he'd just been. "Planning first," he said gently. "You still have to recover before the hard work can begin."

Demyx felt immensely crushed. Of course Lexaeus had a point - the way his arm was aching and trembling proved that - but he'd been so eager to start turning this blank space into something beautiful... "Damn it...I wanted to start working as soon as possible..."

Lexaeus raised an eyebrow. "Planning is the most important part."

"I...I know, but..." Demyx gritted his teeth, ignoring the extra flare of pain, then sighed and shook his head. "Yeah. You're...you're right. If I charge into this full speed ahead, all I'm gonna get is a mess..." Lexaeus didn't say anything, just looked at him as if he was waiting for these remarkable words of wisdom to continue. "I guess I better go back inside and start coming up with clearer ideas..." Lexaeus nodded and helped him through a portal, to Fori's room. "Thanks...I'm good from here..."

"All right...take care of yourself..." Demyx stared bleakly out the window for a few moments, then turned around to say something else, but Lexaeus was already gone.

* * *

Roxas was getting more than a little sick of having to keep both his friends stable, again. Sure, it wasn't like they didn't need help, but just once, couldn't someone else provide that help? Wait - what the hell was he thinking? They were his best friends - he should be falling all over himself to help them - some friend he was -

"I just wish I could have gotten started on it right away...sure, Lexaeus made a big enough hole for a nice pond, but...I can't even fill it with water yet...not until I get a liner in it and everything..."

"Yeah." Roxas was aware he was being unnecessarily short with Demyx, but he couldn't bring himself to care just then. He had entirely too much to think about already. The big, empty sensation in his chest, for one. The mental image of a patchwork Demyx, for another.

Demyx sighed. "Am I just...wearing on you or -"

"Don't start that again," Roxas snapped. An instant later, he realized it was the exact wrong thing to say. Too late; Demyx was already starting to turn away, his eyes lowered. "Demyx...come on..."

"I'm sorry," Demyx said softly. "You've got enough to worry about."

"Not this again..." No answer. Again, Roxas seemed to have picked the wrong thing to say - he must have picked that up from Axel. "Demyx...Demyx, please. Come on."

Demyx waved a hand vaguely. "No...I'm sorry...it's just a little thing...I shouldn't be bothering you with it..."

Roxas shook his head forcefully. "Stop saying that," he said, involuntarily pressing a hand to his chest. "If you didn't complain to someone, you'd just sit around and mope all day..."

"Roxas, are you having a heart attack?"

The question took Roxas by surprise. "Uh...what do you -"

"Feel like there's a big hole in your chest that shouldn't be there?" Demyx was actually smiling a little. "That's a heart attack. An enforced reminder that your heart is no longer there. Is this your first one?" He suddenly gave Roxas a hug. "I'm sorry. If I'd known you were having one, I wouldn't have said anything."

Roxas sighed, sure that Demyx was just blowing everything out of proportion again. "It's not a big deal..."

"Yes it is. I know how miserable they can be. It never seems like they go away fast enough..." Demyx sighed. "Why didn't you say anything earlier? Didn't recognize it?"

"I guess..."

"All right. You just sit. Wanna watch a movie or something?" Demyx gently ruffled his hair. "It's best if you're not left alone..."

* * *

Axel felt very alone just then. Roxas hadn't shown up again, Demyx hadn't come by yet today, Fori and Vexen were still treating him like a non-person, and even Sol had left without warning. Like Sol could have warned him, but...

And he still had that mental image of Demyx, brutally scarred, crippled and disfigured, but still smiling and saying "It's all right...it's not so bad..."

God, what had he done? Sure, maybe he hadn't...done the worst possible thing, but...if his arm was so badly twisted and locked up from scar tissue he couldn't play...God, he might as well have killed him; it would have been kinder...

_Get a grip, you. It's probably not nearly that bad. Maybe his skin will look funny, but he probably won't be crippled for life..._

If only he had something to do besides eat and think. And he'd already eaten his whole dinner, slowly, even though he hadn't had much of an appetite. Right now, among all his other concerns, he was hoping it wouldn't come up. The Valium was still messing with his stomach, even though Vexen was giving him a lower dose all the time. He wished he was still getting enough to knock him reliably silly. On that much medication, he wouldn't worry about so much...

"Hey, Ax."

Axel sighed heavily. "Hey, Demyx..." _Go away,_ he wished he could say. _Leave me alone. Don't force me to think about what I've done to you._

Demyx smiled shyly, reached into his sling with his good hand, and extracted a Siamese kitten. "Roxas had a heart attack - he's sleeping right now," he offered by way of explanation. "Solace is keeping him company. This is Consolation."

Axel blinked. Well, that answered why Roxas hadn't come back... "So this is Consolation," he said softly. "I'd sort of wondered when I'd get to see her...she's cute." He sat down on the bed - a change from the pacing he'd been doing for an hour - and Demyx set Connie in his lap. She promptly stretched up, placing her dainty dark paws on his shoulder. Then, much to Axel's surprise, she hopped up on his shoulder and started nibbling at his hair. "Hey -!"

Demyx giggled. "Maybe I should have warned you. She has a thing for hair."

Axel groaned. "What does she do with it?"

"Just nibbles at it, and she licks mine a lot, though I guess yours is too long for that. She doesn't pull it out or anything."

"That's a relief..." Fortunately, Connie seemed to decide that, at least as a plaything, Axel's hair was inferior to Demyx's, and hopped back down into his lap, mewing as if asking to be petted. Axel obeyed unthinkingly. "She's sweet," he commented. "Solace has a bit of an attitude."

Demyx chuckled. "I know. But that's a nice cat you got, I have to say. Not five minutes after we figured out Roxas was having a heart attack, he popped straight up and started snuggling up to him like he'd been bathing in catnip." He coughed slightly. "Uh...actually, he...he led us up here right...right before you had a seizure. He woke me up in the middle of the night and basically made us tail him all the way to the hospital wing."

Axel's eyes bulged. "Wow," he said after a moment. "I guess." He paused for a moment as a troubling thought occurred to him. "You know...if Sol can predict seizures, maybe you should have him. I mean -"

Demyx shook his head. "I'm good enough at predicting my own seizures to get by, trust me. I'd hate to steal your cat."

"Well...I kind of stole Roxas's..."

"The way I heard it, Sol decided he'd rather own you than Roxas."

Axel blinked, then blushed a bit. "Yeah, I guess that's true..." He took a deep breath and steeled himself - funny how breathing without the trach tube was hurting less all the time. "How's your arm?"

Demyx slipped his right arm out of its sling and moved it around a bit to demonstrate. "Getting better all the time. Roxas been telling you horror stories or something? Stories. It's not so bad. I'll be all right." Axel nodded mutely, not sure whether he should believe him or whether his unpleasant visions were already becoming reality.

* * *

AN: I promised I'd get this up eventually. But I dunno how long I can really stretch the story out, you know?


	13. The Healing Begins

Demyx woke up to the now-familiar sound of Connie mewling for her breakfast. Too comfortable to want to get out of bed, he made an effort and steadfastly ignored her, at least until she hopped up onto his bed and started licking his hair. "Awright," he muttered, batting at her with his left hand. "'M gettin' up..."

He sat up slowly and blinked at the dark room, subtly expecting to see the room he'd spent five years of his nonlife living in. He sighed when he realized he wasn't in it - his bed was on the opposite side from the door, the desk had too much and the wrong sort of clutter on it, there were too many bookshelves and no stereo...

_I miss my room._

Sighing, he filled Connie's food and water bowls, made sure there were toys left out for her to play with, peeled his clothes and bandages off, and went to shower. He wished he didn't have to. He wished those stupid burns would just go away and stop plaguing him with pain. He wished he didn't have to present himself to Vexen after every shower for fresh bandages. He wished he didn't have to wear those stupid Ace bandages day in and day out, even when he was sleeping.

Once he was done, he dried himself off carefully, looking in the mirror the whole time. His two-toned skin didn't seem nearly as absurdly funny as it had the day before. Right now, in fact, he kind of thought he looked like a freak. Shaking his head, he reported to the hospital wing for fresh bandages - maybe once his damaged skin was covered back up, he'd feel better. Unfortunately, Vexen, as usual, paid very little attention to him aside from a few questions about pain and fever and such and rebandaging his injuries. Being more-or-less ignored didn't make him feel better.

Once his burns were rebandaged, and his arm and chest were all wrapped up again, he went back to his room for...for what? To sit around until Roxas brought him some breakfast, then sit around until Roxas brought him some lunch, then sit around until Roxas brought him some dinner, then sit around until bedtime.

He did not want to sit around all day. He wanted to get out of the castle and go somewhere fun. He wanted to go poke around stores with his friends for hours without buying anything, or go for a walk in the sunlight and fresh air, or go for a nice long swim without worrying about his bandages, or at least sit down and play sitar without his arm hurting, or even just listen to music for a while...

Instead of anything of the above, Demyx sat on the floor and stared blankly in the direction of the door until it opened. "Hey, Demyx...are you okay? You look kind of sick..."

Demyx looked up, and straight into Roxas's eyes, fighting the vague sensation of staring at a stranger. "We're going to Twilight Town after breakfast, okay?"

It took Roxas a full five seconds to respond. "Okay...is there something in particular you're after, or...just going stir-crazy again?"

"Stir-crazy." Demyx sighed. "I barely leave this damn room anymore, except to shower or get my bandages changed. Or maybe visit Axel, but that's still going to the hospital wing, same as a bandage change. I feel so...stuck."

Roxas nodded slowly, handed him a plate, and sat down next to him. "How's your arm?" he asked finally.

"Better than it has been." Demyx ate slowly and meticulously, while Connie tried to steal Roxas's scrambled eggs. "Just ignore her," he said as Roxas tried to push the cat away. "She's got her own food."

"Except she seems bound and determined to get at my eggs," Roxas muttered, trying to scootch away from the cat. Demyx just picked up a little cloth ball with a bell inside and threw it across the room; Connie immediately left Roxas alone and chased after the ball. "...Oh. That's convenient."

"It helps sometimes," Demyx said distantly. His mind was focused on the hope of escape from this room.

* * *

Axel could barely believe his ears. "You're doing what?" he rasped, barely remembering to block off the trach tube.

Roxas shrugged helplessly. "We're just going to Twilight Town. Is that so bad or so major?"

"Well, no, but...what about Demyx?"

"It was his idea."

Axel blinked. "His idea?"

"Yeah. He was going stir-crazy, stuck in Fori's room all the time..."

"I bet..." Axel sighed. He hadn't been out of this room in days, either, but he had even less chance to escape than Demyx or Roxas. Right then, he wanted nothing more than to go with them. "Well, you two have fun."

Roxas nodded. "Can do...is there anything you want while we're there?"

Axel waved a hand vaguely. "You know what I like...by the way, where's Sol?"

"In Fori's room. He and Connie are keeping each other company while Demyx and I are out. Unless, of course, he portals into your room again."

Axel nodded. So it would be at least another morning of loneliness. "Well...okay. Thanks for the warning."

Roxas waved on his way out the door. "All right. See you later." Axel nodded vaguely and waved back as the door closed, then settled back to resign himself to another day in the hospital wing without even a cat to keep him company.

It sucked, he decided after five minutes. It really sucked, he decided after fifteen. It was mind-bendingly awful, he decided after thirty. It was absolute torture, he decided after an hour. It was still better than having to deal with Vexen, he decided after one hour and one minute.

Vexen was carrying his blood glucose meter, he realized after one hour, one minute, and three seconds. "What are you doing with that?" he asked curiously.

"Returning it," Vexen said without ceremony. "As it is now entirely your concern."

_Finally, _Axel thought but didn't say. If he was in charge of testing his own blood sugar now, that meant he wouldn't have to put up with Fori anymore, or having to get Roxas to get Sol out of the room all the time...and it could also mean that his eventual release date was getting closer and closer...But Vexen just set the monitor down on the bedside table and started carefully removing the bandages from Axel's throat. Axel wanted to ask what he was doing, but couldn't, as he couldn't block off the trach tube with Vexen's hands in the way. "Hmm...the initial injury appears to be healing well..."

Well, that was all to the good. Axel wondered, as Vexen rebandaged his throat, whether that meant he was going to get out of there pretty soon...and then Vexen suddenly popped a plastic cap over the end of Axel's trach tube.

And...wow. It was like he'd suddenly acquired Zexion's nose. He hadn't even realized that having a trach tube implanted affected his sense of smell like that - no wonder everything had tasted kind of bland the whole time. Maybe it wasn't the Valium's fault he'd had no appetite. "What was that for?" he asked, his voice clearer and stronger than it had been. It hurt a little bit to draw breath through his mouth and nose, but not nearly as much as it had.

"A capping trial," Vexen explained. "To ensure that there are no continuing breathing difficulties due to obstruction or swelling in the upper larynx. If all goes well, the tracheostomy tube may be removed as early as this afternoon."

_This...afternoon?_

Axel could have screamed with joy.

* * *

Despite all the complaining he'd done about feeling trapped and shut-in back at the castle, Demyx didn't seem to be having a whole lot of fun in Twilight Town. Instead of restless, he seemed kind of inert. He'd stand expressionlessly for ten minutes at a time, staring endlessly at one particular doodad or trinket or another, until Roxas practically had to pry it out of his grip and lead him out of whatever store they were in by the elbow. "What in Kingdom Hearts' name is the matter with you?" he demanded after one too many repetitions of this performance. "Are you high?"

Demyx jerked back like he'd been slapped. "N-no - never - I was - just - absolutely not - I was just -"

Roxas sighed heavily. "Well, at least you're no longer acting like you're sleepwalking - so what was with you? Why did you just stand there, staring at stuff you weren't even gonna buy?"

Demyx shook his head helplessly. "I...I dunno. I guess I just kept zoning out. I know you're gonna ask why, so don't - I don't know."

"Weren't you the one complaining about how you'd go crazy if you didn't get out of the castle?"

"Yeah, I just..." Demyx clenched his fists in frustration. "I'm sorry. I'm being a wet blanket again. We should have stayed home."

"Demyx..." "Frustrated" didn't even begin to cover how Roxas felt just then. "You know what? No. You really need to be out of the castle right now. And you probably need to stay out until further notice. You need to relax, Demyx. Relax. Remember what 'relax' means?"

Demyx just stared blankly at him. "Um, sorry for asking, and don't take this to mean I don't know what the word 'relax' means...but what the hell do you mean?"

"You're losing your mind."

Demyx continued to stare blankly. "...I had a mind to lose?"

Roxas didn't have the patience for flippancy. He dragged Demyx to the nearest ice cream shop, forced him to sit down at the nearest clean and empty table, ordered two of the biggest sundae on the menu, and handed one to Demyx. "Here. Eat your ice cream. While you're eating it, don't think about Axel, don't think about Marluxia, don't think about Vexen, don't think about Fori, don't think about anyone or anything back at the castle. Think about how good the ice cream is. If you absolutely must think about something else, think about what shops you want to visit next and what you want to buy. Focus on the here and now, not the there and then."

Demyx transferred his blank stare to the ice cream. "That's so much easier said than done that it's not even funny..." Obediently, he picked up his spoon and started eating. By the time Roxas was half done with his own, Demyx was scraping out the inside of his bowl with the spoon. "Um. I...guess I was hungry."

Roxas tried not to laugh with relief - Demyx tended to stop eating when he was stressed out. Gobbling down his ice cream like that was nothing but a good sign. "You want more? They'll sell you more."

Demyx shook his head. "We'd better save room for lunch. Eventually."

"...Don't you have an ice-cream headache?"

"No, actually, I..." Demyx's eyes suddenly widened and started to water, and he rubbed at his forehead. "...Okay, it was on a delayed-action timer...ow."

Now Roxas couldn't help but snort a little. "Serves you right for gulping it down so fast."

"I was hungry..." Demyx continued to rub his forehead until his face started looking less pinched and pained. "Okay...I might be able to think now. Um...cashews!"

"...Cashews?"

"Yeah, I like cashews. I could use some raw ones for cooking, and roasted, salted ones for eating. We could probably find the roasted ones at a decent candy store, at least..."

"For cooking?"

"Well, yeah...we could probably find the raw ones at a grocery store...and I think I remember we passed one that was advertising pomegranates. It's been ages since I last had a pomegranate."

Roxas shook his head. "Whatever gets you motivated...actually, you remember that fudge place...?"

* * *

Food tasted better when it was fun to eat, in Demyx's opinion, which was why he was getting his hands messy dissecting a pomegranate. Sure, he could have picked up a bottle of pomegranate juice, but the whole pomegranate was cheaper, not to mention a whole lot more fun. Besides, it was something special - there were dozens of shops in Twilight Town that sold ice cream, two that sold fudge on every block, at least three that sold raw whole cashews, but only one that sold pomegranates. And only just recently, at that; he'd never seen them there before.

Licking juice off his lips, he carefully picked a few more seeds off the pulp and ate them. This was a sweet pomegranate, but not too sweet - just how he liked it. He was already feeling inspired - he could make all kinds of wonderful desserts with pomegranates, or even savory foods; he knew a few good soup recipes that called for pomegranate juice, or for anardana...He nibbled a few more seeds off the pulp, feeling in a mood to conquer worlds. Well, it wasn't like he didn't have worlds to conquer.

_Well, then...now's a good time to conquer them!_

"What should I start with, Connie?" he asked the little Siamese as she came up to find out just what the hell that was in his hand. "What world should I conquer first? Cleaning the bathroom? That'd do Roxas a favor...then again, it's not like I'm a permanent resident. I got my own bathroom to clean." Demyx picked a seed out of the pomegranate and offered it to Connie, who sniffed at it without eating it. "Or cooking something. Something with cashews and pomegranates? Except I'm gonna eat this whole thing straight...something with cashews, then. A stir-fry? Something nice and basic? With chicken. Xaldin always has chicken. And snow peas - I love snow peas." Connie meowed, as if indicating she liked that idea better. "Or...you know, I could try to work on some music...I haven't done that in...you know, an age and a half...though...I guess...I really haven't been inspired to..." Demyx's worlds-conquering mood was starting to wear off, and he quickly ate a few more pomegranate seeds to compensate. "And all my staff paper is back in my own room anyway, not exactly handy, so...I think I'll go to the kitchen. When I finish this."

Slowly and methodically, not to mention messily, Demyx finished eating the pomegranate, while Connie looked on in confusion. Throwing the skin and pulp into the garbage can, he went and washed his hands, barely noticing how his shoulder hurt, he was so busy working up a new recipe. "Hmm...chicken, cashews, snow peas...water chestnuts, if I can find any...hmm...baby corn? Mushrooms, definitely...carrots? Nah. Hmm...sweet peppers? What do you think about sweet peppers? I'm gonna need some color..."

"Mew."

"Yeah, red sweet peppers. The baby corn will be bringing yellow to the party already, and the orange ones always seem to turn yellow when you cook 'em. I might even add some scrambled egg to the mix. I like eggs. And I know you do. No, you can't come with - Xaldin would throw a shitfit if you got caught in the kitchen. You better stay here. Go entertain Roxas. Just don't eat his fudge, okay? Chocolate is bad for cats." Humming to himself, Demyx teleported off to the kitchen to start some rice cooking. His arm started to hurt as he searched for ingredients, and he realized too late he'd forgotten his sling, but at that point, he didn't care. He just went about his cooking, being careful not to move his arm too much or the wrong way. He was enjoying himself more right then than he had in...in...well, for a good long while. He was genuinely having fun.

"And when the night is fallin', you cannot find a friend, when you feel like breakin', just bend...you got the music in you! Don't let go, you got the music in you! One last dance - this world is gonna pull through! Don't give up, you got a reason to live...Gods, that smells so good..." The rice and stir-fry were done at about the same time, so he quickly turned the burners off and paused for a moment to enjoy the delightful smells. That didn't last long - he just had to try some, to see if it tasted as good as it smelled - "Oh, yeah," he sighed after the first bite. "I did _that_ right first time."

If the pomegranate had put him in a mood to conquer worlds, the stir-fry had him thinking about how he'd rule the entire multiverse after he conquered it. To begin with, he'd repeal all laws worlds-wide that restricted musical freedom and mandate some sort of music lessons for all grade-school children. And maybe fund free public concerts on a regular basis. And music programs for poor kids, so they might actually have a way off the street...or at least some hope, some friendship, something more to look forward to in a day than just getting it over with and having one less day between them and the grave...because really, that was all you had to look forward to, when you had nothing to call your own but a sitar and a change of clothes, when you had no choice but to lie down or prop yourself against any handy surface so any douchebag with thirty bucks and a taste for little boys could stick his dick up your ass because that was the only way you could keep yourself fed and sheltered - sometimes fed _or_ sheltered - when the ugly face looking at you from the mirror just kept getting uglier because asthma meds were more important than any sort of care for year after year of frostbite and sunburn...

Most of the time, thinking about his past life made Demyx feel sick to his stomach and lower than dirt. Right now...it just made him angry. _I had to lose my heart to ever get anything in life,_ he thought. _A guaranteed place to sleep, decent warm clothes, enough food to keep myself alive, consistent, decent medical care...hell, considering what good my heart was doing back then, it was cheap at the price!_

He stabbed his fork moodily into a chunk of chicken. And now, through no real fault of his own, he'd lost his room, and the use of most of his property...sure, it was only temporary, but dammit, that was _his stuff_, including some of the first property he'd ever owned that wasn't necessary for survival...he'd have almost killed for a stereo like the one he had now as a child, except he would have had to sell it for rent or grocery money...

He stuffed the chicken into his mouth and chewed. _That's it. I'm taking my room back._

Two worlds down.

* * *

"Have you had any difficulty breathing since the start of the capping trial? Even the slightest may be significant."

Axel shook his head - he hadn't, but even if he had, he wouldn't have told Vexen unless he was on the verge of choking to death. He was that desperate to get rid of the trach tube. "It's going fine. Just fine."

Vexen obviously did not take him at his word. He put a stethoscope to Axel's upper chest, then to his throat above the trach tube, listening for any odd sounds or abnormal breathing patterns. Axel kept quiet and put up with it - the sooner he could get the damn thing removed, the better. "Hmm...no stridor, no other indications of obstruction or swelling...the injury seems to have healed to the point where the tube is no longer necessary." _You said that earlier,_ Axel wanted to say but didn't.

He'd expected to require some sort of surgery to remove the tube, but it didn't. He didn't even quite know what Vexen did - his view wasn't exactly the best. One minute, Vexen was fiddling with his throat - the next minute, he was taping some sort of bandage over where the trach tube had just been. Axel could feel there was still a hole there, through which a fair bit of air was still moving - "Holy shit," he said, and was disturbed to find his voice much softer and weaker than he remembered. He put a finger on the bandage, over where the hole should be - "Holy shit," he said again, and his voice sounded more like it should. "That's impressive."

"You're free to go, Eight."

"...What?"

"You're free to leave at any time." Vexen's voice suggested that "any time" meant "as soon as possible, please".

Axel quickly scooped up his blood glucose monitor and darted out of the hospital wing, in as much hurry to get out of there as Vexen seemed to be in to get rid of him. He hadn't expected to be released so soon, but damned if he was going to argue and insist on staying there longer. For the first time in what felt like ages, he felt truly free - free from Vexen, free from his hospital room, free from muteness, free from restraints...maybe even free from alcohol...He knocked on Demyx's - now Fori's - door, eager to rub his release in.

The last thing he expected was for Demyx to answer. "...Shit," was all he said, while Demyx stared at him with wide eyes.

"...Hi, Axel..." Demyx eventually said in a tiny voice. "When did you get out of the hospital?"

"Just...when did you move out of Fori's room?" Axel asked, not even bothering to plug the hole in his throat.

"After lunch..." Demyx had gone very pale, and his voice was shaking a little. "So, are you all right now?"

"That, or Vexen just got sick of dealing with me..." Axel's chest felt remarkably hollow; not exactly like a heart attack, but something close. It was obvious how afraid Demyx was of him, even weeks after the attack...good God, if he was going to be this scared of him for the rest of his life...if that was the case, if there was no going back to normal, if too much damage had already been done, he might as well keep drinking until his liver gave out...

Demyx nodded and closed his eyes; Axel was sure he was about to bolt and move back into Fori's room until further notice. But Demyx just took a few deep breaths, then opened his eyes, looked straight at Axel, and smiled. Granted, it was a nervous smile, but he'd earned some credit for trying. "So, um, how's your throat?"

Axel quickly moved to cover the hole in his throat. "Still got a hole in it," he said, again surprised at how much difference it made to his voice. "But Vexen says it'll heal all right by itself after a while, without a plastic tube in it." There was an awkward pause. "So...how's your arm?"

Demyx gave him a more genuine smile. "It's doing better. It's doing a lot better. See?" He moved the arm in question around a bit to demonstrate.

Axel couldn't help but smile back. "That's good..." It was good. Even better was the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, if he kept clean and stayed out of trouble, everything might go back to normal someday.

* * *

Roxas was confused as all hell, and getting a little nervous. Demyx seemed to have completely disappeared, and no one seemed to know where he was. He wasn't in Fori's room. The Hall of Empty Melodies was empty. The kitchen was unoccupied. Vexen hadn't seen him since changing his bandages that morning. Zexion had no idea where he was or why Roxas would think he might know, and was too busy and didn't think it was enough of an emergency to help him search. Either Demyx had left the world entirely, or...

_Geez, why didn't I think to check his actual room in the first place? He probably went to get something, or listen to his stereo, or something..._

Cursing his own stupidity, he teleported to Demyx's room - the one Fori was currently staying in. Demyx wasn't inside, but - much to Roxas's surprise - both bathroom doors were open, offering free passage into Axel's room.

Even more to his surprise, Axel and Demyx were sitting together on Axel's bed, talking to each other. More accurately, Demyx was talking to Axel. "- the real reason I refused to keep going to school after my grandmother died. Knowing she wouldn't be home to welcome me and take care of me and - and protect me in a way...the bullies were bad enough, but I would have rather died than spent another recess in the supply closet with Mr. Greenberg. Hell, if there'd been enough time left in the school year for him to find out my grandmother was dead, or if CPS had got wind that I was without legal guardian and taken me in, I bet he would have been right there - 'oh, Edmy is one of the nicest, sweetest students I've ever had the pleasure of teaching in my whole career! I'd love to adopt him, if I possibly could! It would be better for him to live with someone he knows, after all, instead of being handed over to a stranger...'" Demyx snorted; it was half a sniffle. "And I know for a fact I wouldn't have had the balls to say I'd rather kill myself than move in with him, or to tell anyone what kind of 'special tutoring' he'd been giving me..." Axel put a comforting arm around his shoulders - a little awkwardly, but the intent was clear - and handed him a tissue. "Thanks..."

"Not a problem," Axel said in a weaker voice than Roxas remembered. His trach tube was nowhere in evidence; his throat was still bandaged, but lower, and the healing scar from his suicide attempt was clearly visible. "You seemed to need to talk to someone..."

Demyx sighed and nodded. "Yeah. You're right." He shook his head. "After that, it seems crazy that...that I'd basically invite people to do that to me again, but...I tried to make my way for months just by playing sitar for tips. I didn't have what it took to be a thief, even a shoplifter, and I would have rather cut my hands off than get involved with drugs...but when it started getting cold, I couldn't just rely on the sitar anymore. I couldn't sit outside and play without risking my health, there weren't as many people around as usual, and those that were still around weren't as generous. Surprising how whether or not you have to dig your purse or wallet out from under a heavy coat can affect whether or not you're willing to help an eleven-year-old boy survive the winter...some days, when I was really lucky, some saint would drop a twenty or even a fifty into the case, but I mostly got change and small bills, and not too damn many of those. Some days I couldn't pull together five dollars, and ended up spending twenty or more on medication - I had asthma attacks more often in the winter, and then what the cold did to my skin...and then I'd still have to buy food for the day..." He swallowed. "Having eliminated theft and drugs as career choices, the only thing left was...prostitution."

Clearly, Demyx had already mentioned something along those lines before Roxas's arrival; Axel didn't look the least bit surprised. "I'm sorry," was all he said.

Demyx snorted. "I was hoping you'd say that...some people think prostitution sounds like a dream job. All the sex you want, and you get paid to do it. It's horrible. It's torture. It's like selling off bits of your soul, until you forget how to hope."

Roxas was feeling like he was listening in on something that was in no way any of his business, and that he really owed it to his friends to get out of there, pretend he'd never been there, and forget everything he'd heard. Instead, he took a step into the room. "Um...hi, guys."

Demyx glanced up for a second. "Hey, Rox...just pouring out my sad story, if you wanted to listen in. It's not nice, but you knew that."

"Um," was all Roxas could say. "I...yeah, I..."

"Go ahead. Sit down. More comfortable that way."

Roxas sat down, feeling very awkward. "So, um...have I missed anything important?"

Demyx shook his head. "Everything I've said so far can be condensed into seven words - life here is really pretty damn good." He smiled faintly. "I wouldn't trade it for anything."

* * *

AN: Progress. I had to make it.


	14. One Short Day

Roxas didn't understand how this situation had come about, or even where they were. It didn't matter. What mattered was that all three of them were in deep shit. Axel and Demyx were both dangling over the edge of a cliff, and Roxas was kneeling at the edge, holding both of them by the wrist. If he let go of them, they would fall to their deaths, but he didn't have the strength to pull them back up - they both outweighed him. And his arms were getting so tired...if he didn't let at least one of them go, he would probably end up tumbling over the edge with them, and all three would be killed.

And if the situation wasn't already bad enough, it was a dark and stormy night.

A sudden flash of lightning illuminated his friends' faces. Demyx was looking helplessly at him, with wide and fearful eyes, but Axel seemed to be unconscious; his eyes were closed, and his body was limp. Demyx looked over at Axel, blinking either rain or tears from his eyes, then back up at Roxas. He understood the situation as well as Roxas did, and Roxas could tell in an instant what was about to happen. He opened his mouth to protest, but Demyx didn't give him a chance. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his soft voice somehow audible over the thunder. "It's how it has to be. Take care of him."

Another flash of lightning, and Demyx closed his eyes, let go of Roxas's hand, and plunged. At the same instant, Roxas lost his grip on Axel. As soon as the flash faded, they were gone.

Roxas sat bolt upright in bed, soaked in rainwater, as thunder rumbled again. It took him several moments to realize that he wasn't drenched in rainwater, but cold sweat, and the entire cliffside horror had been nothing but a nightmare, assisted by the storm outside. Shaken by what he'd just gone through, even if it was just a dream, he stumbled over to the bathroom sink and splashed some cold water in his face, trying to clear his head and maybe get the sweat out of his eyes. Why in Kingdom Hearts' name would he have a nightmare like that? It wasn't like he wasn't under enough stress already...that kind of horror was something he just plain did not need...

Well, maybe it meant something. Some expression of whatever was going on in his subconscious, or some other similar claptrap. Still rubbing his face with a washcloth, he went back and sat on his bed, trying to think objectively about the nightmare. All right, what had been happening? Demyx and Axel had been about to fall over the edge of a cliff. He was the only one who could save either of them, but he could only save one or the other of them, at best. But he'd ended up dropping both of them. No, Demyx had willingly let go, so that he could save Axel, but then he'd lost his grip on Axel at the same time. What could any of that mean?

...Well, lately, it had often felt like he had to be the responsible adult around Axel and Demyx, even though he was the youngest of the three. They were both having a hard time taking care of themselves, with Axel's alcohol problems and Demyx's injuries. So Roxas took care of them both, because someone had to. He supposed Axel's problem was the more serious of the two, judging by what physical withdrawal had done to him; in fact, Demyx spent a lot of time protesting against Roxas's help, or insisting he needed less than he did, just so he'd have more time and energy free to take care of Axel...except he very often didn't know what to do for Axel...he did the best he could to support him, but he wasn't a professional; he'd never been trained in how to deal with someone who was going through detox and withdrawal...

Something seemed to click there. Something about how Demyx had let go of him so he could save Axel. But Axel had been unconscious - he hadn't let go; he'd just slipped out of his grip. So what did the dream overall mean? Possibly that he was afraid he was going to lose both his friends - Demyx because he wouldn't let Roxas help him, and Axel because he was in no position to help himself. Was that it? Was that what the dream meant - Demyx refused to keep his grip, and Axel just couldn't?

And why the hell did he have to be thinking about things like this at 3:30 in the morning?

Okay, so was this dream just an expression of his deepest fears for his friends, or was it a premonition of some kind? Probably not a premonition, since if anything they seemed to have been improving lately, but just in case...what could he do to stop this happening? Or some metaphorically similar situation? Obviously, he couldn't let Demyx fall by spending all his time taking care of Axel, but he couldn't force too much unwanted care and attention on Demyx either, even if he needed it - for one, he'd just resent him, and for another, he couldn't let Axel fall either. Could either of them possibly get a grip on their own? He guessed they could, but in the dream, they hadn't seemed to even try to. Maybe he could encourage one or both of them to do so - probably Demyx, as he was the one conscious in the dream - but could they in reality?

...Couldn't this wait until morning? Didn't he have better things to think about, like getting back to sleep?

Would that even be possible, all things considered? The last thing he wanted was a repeat nightmare...

Shaking his head, Roxas flopped back into bed, with the intention of getting as much sleep as feasible despite the storm. It wasn't very much; he kept tossing and turning restlessly, drifting off only to be jerked awake by the next rumble of thunder, closing his eyes and seeing Axel and Demyx falling again... Refusing to accept the inevitable conclusion, he spent an entire hour struggling to achieve unconsciousness of some sort, even if actual sleep was beyond him. Finally, he had to accept that if he was ever going to get any more sleep tonight, he'd either have to wait out the storm or try somewhere else. And since he had no idea when the storm was going to die down - at the rate it was going, it might take all night...

With a sigh, he grabbed his pillows and a few spare blankets and portaled off. This wouldn't be his first night spent on Axel's floor. He just hoped Axel wouldn't react too badly when he woke up - and "too badly" could be expanded to include "too concerned". The last thing he needed was for the redhead to start fussing over him.

* * *

Demyx really did not want to move. He hadn't slept in his own room in so long...sure, theoretically, all members were given the same basic furniture, including identical beds, but there was something about the bed he'd been sleeping in for five years. It just...felt right. The sheets smelled right, the blankets were just the right weight, the pillowcases had just the right texture...the room was set up right, with the bed on the same side as the door and the desk under the window instead of opposite to it. The decorations were the right color. There were more pillows on the floor than the bed, though most of them had been shoved into the closet or under the desk - presumably Fori did that, to get them out of his way, the philistine. Those were his sitar pillows the demon was shoving around like obstacles.

And...Roxas was sleeping on his floor. That was not familiar or comforting or even explicable. Especially not comforting.

Biting his lip with concern, Demyx rolled and turned around so he could reach down with his good arm and shook Roxas gently. "Hey...wake up..." he murmured, frowning slightly. "What are you doing here?"

Roxas blinked sleepily, made eye contact, and stared at him like he'd never seen him before. "Um...morning, Demyx," he mumbled, his face going from pale to red with embarrassment. "Um...I'd been heading for Axel's room last night. I swear. I guess I was too tired to notice I'd portaled to the wrong room..."

"...Why would you be portaling to either of our rooms?" Demyx just had to ask. "Especially in the middle of the night?" He crossed his arms over his chest as best he could, just to make it clear that he wouldn't accept a lame answer. Which he figured Roxas would try to give him, at least on the first try.

Roxas read his expression correctly on the first try, and didn't waste time with cock-and-bull stories. "I had a nightmare," he murmured, looking a little shamefaced. "And...what with the storm last night, I couldn't get back to sleep."

Demyx sighed, at least grateful that he'd gotten a straight answer first try, even though a storm disturbing someone's sleep was a little hard for him to imagine. It was probably just him, but when he was tired, storms lulled him to sleep. He could certainly understand the nightmares, though. All sorts of further questions sprang to mind - a nightmare about what, why didn't he realize he'd gotten the room wrong - but for some reason, he didn't ask any of them. Instead, he just reached down again, offering Roxas a hand up if he wanted it. "Well, at least you got some sleep," he murmured.

Roxas sighed and nodded as he pulled himself to his feet, with only a little help from Demyx. "Yeah..." he mumbled, not making eye contact. "Just...needed a change of scenery to get it, I guess...now I just have to go back to my room to change..."

"..." Demyx kept his grip on Roxas's hand. Mumbling and not making eye contact were not good signs. "Okay...what's the rest of the story?" he demanded. "There's something important here that you're not telling me..." Roxas tried to pull his hand away, but Demyx just pulled harder, until the younger boy was forced to sit down on the bed next to him. "Come on, spill."

Roxas shrugged helplessly. "It's nothing, seriously...I told you the truth..." Demyx just kept giving him that look, and he quailed eventually. "Well...it was the content of the dream, I guess. If there's anything still bothering me, I mean." Demyx continued to give him the look, waiting for the reveal of said content. "...What? It wasn't such a big deal, just kind of creepy..."

"Roxas. Spill." The younger blond had forced enough unwilling confessions out of him lately. It was about time he returned the favor anyway.

Roxas turned away from him, obviously not wanting to confess. "I swear, it's nothing important." Demyx continued to glare at him, hoping the force of his stare would provoke some reaction. Eventually, there was success. "All right...we were on the edge of a cliff. Actually, you and Axel were over the edge; I had each of you by a hand, trying to pull you back up, but it wasn't working. If I didn't drop one of you, I'd drop both of you. Eventually, you looked up at me and told me to take care of Axel - you were awake, but he was out cold - and you let go. But at the same time you let go, I lost my grip on Axel and, and...you both fell." Roxas looked very much like he wanted to just bury his face in Demyx's arm and cry now. "Like I said, it was just a dream, but...scary."

Demyx nodded and gave Roxas a hug, patting his back as if he were a child in need of comfort. "Don't you worry too much about it," he murmured, hoping he was saying the right thing. "I won't let go."

* * *

Roxas wasn't the only one plagued with unpleasant dreams that night. Axel dreamed that he was back in the biggest city near his hometown, wandering aimlessly on the first Christmas after his brother's death, when from an alley between two busy shops, he heard someone coughing violently enough to break ribs, and found a very sick homeless boy, with startlingly dark skin to accompany his dingy blond hair, hiding back there with his instrument case. This was Demyx, or more properly Edmy at that time, and in reality, Lea called an ambulance for him and Edmy was taken away to a hospital to recover and the two didn't meet again until they were Axel and Demyx.

This time, there was a key difference from reality. This time, Lea had been drinking.

He heard the coughing as before, and went to investigate, but instead of trying to help the pathetic child in front of him, Lea just scowled at him. "Shut up," he growled angrily, wishing someone would come by and haul the little street rat away with the rest of the trash. Edmy looked up at him with wide, fearful eyes and obediently clamped his mouth tightly shut, but before long, another series of devastating coughs racked his body, and he had no choice but to let them out. "I said shut up!" Lea snapped, unimpressed, and when Edmy couldn't stop coughing in time, he backhanded the boy fiercely, sending him headfirst into a brick wall. There was a sickening thud on impact, and Edmy slid to the ground and lay unmoving, still clutching his instrument case in one hand; Lea just grunted in satisfaction and left him there.

Axel woke up gasping in horror at his own cruelty and feeling sick to his stomach, especially when he remembered that even though he couldn't have been more than fifteen or sixteen at the time, he might well have been drinking. Hell, the first time he'd ever gotten really stinking drunk - not just mildly drunk; he'd done that more than once before then - was the day they found Ricky's body. He couldn't have been older than Roxas at the time, and already an alcoholic in the making, he realized with disgust. This wasn't anything sudden - he'd been building up to this for the past eight years, over a third of his life. And if he'd been drinking that Christmas day, there might never have been a Demyx - Edmy might have died with his heart intact, of head injuries or exposure or whatever illness had had its grip on him. It might have been better as far as Edmy was concerned, he thought, but it would have been a hell of a lot worse for him to have spent the last five years in the Organization with no Demyx.

For one thing, he'd still be drinking. For another, he might not have lived this long anyway. He and Demyx had saved each other's lives several times over in the years before Roxas joined; without Demyx, there wouldn't still be an Axel. And...how had he repaid him? With cruelty and abuse. And Roxas...he'd been looking out for Axel as much as Axel had been looking out for him since he joined, keeping his head on straight, checking his bad temper, often stopping him from doing some outrageously stupid things. And when he'd tried to stop Axel from drinking himself or someone else into an early grave, Axel had lied to him, very deliberately misled circles around him, hid his stash and lied about getting rid of it, just so he could keep drinking without his interference...small wonder that by the time he'd finally realized on his own that he had to stop, Roxas had been so fed up with him he'd tried to walk away.

"I have better friends than I deserve," Axel muttered raspily to himself.

Seeking a little comfort, even though he didn't think he deserved it, he went to Demyx's bathroom door, but a brief listen told him that Demyx was already talking to Roxas about something - what the hell it could be this early, he had no idea. Apparently Roxas had had a nightmare or something and had gone to consult Demyx about it. It hurt that he hadn't come to Axel like he usually did, but that was about what he deserved. He just kept listening, with his ear to the door, until he heard the fatal words "- use my shower, as long as you're here anyway..." The bathroom door opened suddenly, and Axel overbalanced and landed face-first on Demyx's carpet. Demyx stared at him like he'd never seen him before. "...Axel? Are you okay, or..."

Axel just knew his face was the same color as his hair by now. "Yeah, I'm fine..." he rasped, cursing the hole in his throat where the trach tube had been. "I just...I was just..." Listening in at the door, as Demyx was surely intelligent enough to figure out on his own. "I...had a crazy dream," he temporized, albeit honestly. "And I...kinda wanted to talk to you, except I could hear you were already talking to Roxas..."

"Is this 'consult Demyx if you had a weird dream' day?" Demyx sighed, but moved back over to the bed and sat down, motioning for Axel to sit down beside him. "Rox, you might as well shower, unless you wanted him in on this?" he asked, glancing back at Axel briefly. Axel shook his head wanly as he joined Demyx on the bed; Roxas moved into the bathroom almost as soon as Axel left it, probably to use more than just the shower. "So...what were you dreaming about?" Demyx asked as soon as they had some privacy.

Axel frowned and kicked idly at the pile of blankets on the floor. "Why was Roxas sleeping on your floor?" he asked, almost jealously. Granted, it wasn't like he deserved much consideration from Roxas, but still...

"He had a nightmare, couldn't get back to sleep, wanted to sleep on your floor, and got our rooms mixed up in the dark," Demyx explained matter-of-factly. Axel was more gratified than he really should have been that the younger Nobody still had _some_ amount of trust in him. "But you didn't answer my question. Now spill." Slowly and reluctantly, Axel confessed the details of his dream, and all the implications he'd come up with when he woke up - how young he'd started drinking, how shamefully he'd treated his friends, how little he deserved their help. He was in the middle of explaining what a bastard he was when Demyx held up a hand to stop him and said "Kingdom Hearts, Ax, you sound like me on a self-hating emo tear. This isn't something the Valium is doing to you, is it?"

That brought Axel up short. "...No; Vexen weaned me off the Valium," he said, wondering what the point of the question was.

"And..." Demyx prompted. "Since it's not brought on by medication..." Axel shook his head in confusion, wondering what he was missing. "Oh, for the love of Kingdom Hearts, Ax, what do you and Roxas always say when I come down on myself like that?"

Axel rubbed his forehead. "Um...not to come down on yourself like that? That you're our friend whatever you think of yourself, and that you're a much better person than you realize?"

"And do I have to repeat all that back to you? I swear, if you try to come down on yourself again, I will come down on _my_self so hard you'll want to kill yourself just from listening to me. Or want to kill _me_ to make me shut up." Demyx paused suddenly, holding up a hand for silence, as he tilted his head from side to side. Then he strode silently over to the bathroom door and yanked it open; Roxas toppled onto the carpet, looking first shocked, then sheepish. "Or Roxas can say it for me. By the way, if you want me to think you're in the shower, start the shower running. I can tell when it's not like Axel can tell the bathroom's not on fire."

* * *

Somehow, all three of them had ended up spending the entire morning in Demyx's room. Roxas wasn't sure how, though he vaguely suspected it had to do with either his and Axel's freaky dreams and subsequent need for comfort or Demyx's remarkably good mood. Granted, it was only "good" compared to how depressed and moody he'd been recently, and maybe it was only because his painkillers had him in a slightly goofy mood, but still, it offered a nice change. Maybe it was because Roxas didn't want to go back to his own room now that Fori had moved back in next to him, or because Axel just didn't like to be alone anymore and Roxas and Demyx didn't like to leave him alone.

Or maybe it was simply because for the first time in a very long time, the three of them were just being friends. Not supporters or guardians or caretakers, just friends.

Roxas hadn't realized how badly Axel's struggles had changed their relationships with each other until he had this chance to see what normal was supposed to be like. Now that he didn't have to spend all his waking moments trying to keep Demyx's spirits up or trying to talk Axel through a craving, he found himself actually truly enjoying their company for the first time in - well, it felt like a very long time indeed. He had to admit to himself now, he'd mostly been seeking them out recently from either a need for comfort or a sense of duty, but now he was rediscovering why he liked these guys in the first place. Alcohol, addictions, burns, assaults, stress, botched missions, unhappy pasts, and other unpleasant and recently all-too-popular topics were tacitly banned from the room until further notice. Instead, Axel and Roxas were treated to an in-depth explanation of Demyx's plans for his new garden space, including numerous gardening catalogs. Demyx gave Roxas another sitar lesson, as long as he was there, while Axel played with the cats and didn't care how silly he looked doing it. Roxas couldn't help but giggle at how silly he looked, and didn't worry that Axel might be offended or hurt and go back to drinking; Axel just laughed as well and kept playing. Axel and Roxas hauled Axel's Xbox into Demyx's room to entertain themselves, while Demyx was getting his bandages changed, and gave the Nocturne a demonstration of their Halo skills when he returned; Demyx tried to feign some sort of interest, with limited success. Eventually, owing to the fact that Axel and Roxas hadn't gotten much sleep and Demyx could sleep on a clothesline, all three ended up on the bed, with Demyx and Roxas snuggling up to Axel (the warmest spot in the room, bar none) as if he was a big body pillow. They were comfortable that way, and Axel's thoughts on the matter went unheard, as he was as fast asleep as either of them.

Roxas was awakened by a weird gurgling sound from directly under his ear. Blinking and glancing around, he saw Axel just waking up as well, though Demyx, who was sleeping on Axel's other side, was apparently still sound asleep. Roxas really couldn't bring himself to wake him, considering how little sleep he'd gotten the first few days after Axel tried to quit drinking, and apparently Axel felt the same. "It must be lunchtime," the redhead muttered, and Roxas suddenly realized how hungry he was after skipping breakfast. "I just don't wanna wake the poor guy up. He looks peaceful."

"I'll go get us food, then," Roxas said, rolling carefully off the bed - luckily he was towards the outside, and Demyx next to the wall. "I'm going to assume from the fact that no one came looking for me that there was nowhere in particular I'm supposed to be right now, aside from the castle."

"Axel..." Both Axel and Roxas jerked, sure that one or the other of them had accidentally woken Demyx up, but the wounded musician was still apparently out cold and just sleep-talking. "Axel, don't...please don't hurt me...please..."

Roxas cringed, hearing that - no need to guess what Demyx was dreaming about. He glanced over at Axel, to ask whether they should wake him up out of kindness or let him sleep - but Axel was standing there with his mouth hanging open, looking like he'd just been shot. "Are you all right?" he asked the redhead with concern. "You look sick..."

Axel didn't seem to have heard him. "Was I that bad?" he whispered, as if to himself. "Was I so cruel to him? He's still having nightmares about me?"

Roxas instinctively gripped the redhead's arm, pretty sure he knew where that train of thought would lead and just as sure he didn't want it to go there. "Axel..." he said warningly. "That's all over. There's no point in continuing to beat yourself up about it."

Axel gave him a helpless look. "But...he's still having nightmares," he said, gesturing at Demyx.

"Well, you could wake him up, if it'd make you feel better," Roxas answered impatiently. "But I think it would have more impact if you made sure it _never happened again_."

Axel blinked uncomprehendingly at him, his jaw falling open again, then turned red. "I've been acting like an idiot, haven't I," he mumbled. "I can't stop beating myself up over what I did to him - and when I do that is when I'm most tempted to start drinking again. And if I ever did, that would just make it start all over again, wouldn't it?"

Roxas waited patiently for some grand overall conclusion, assuming Axel was coming to one. When it didn't seem to be forthcoming, he prompted "And your point is...?"

Axel was looking a little bit dumbstruck, as if he'd just found some great cosmic truth and couldn't believe how simple it really was. "It's about damn time I stopped beating myself up, isn't it?" he said finally, with a vague, self-deprecating smile.

Roxas looked up at him, as if scarcely able to believe he'd said such a thing - in truth, he was - and managed a slow smile. "Took you long enough. I didn't think you'd ever think of it yourself."

Axel chuckled and cuffed him lightly over the head. "Come on, little brother, give me some credit. Even I can get a clue once in a while. Now let's get some lunch."

* * *

Demyx woke up very slowly, though his unpleasant dreams gave continued sleep little allure. For a long time, he thought he was dreaming about lying in bed, feeling sore and achy and hungry. Eventually, he managed to open his eyes all the way and fully reengage his brain to discover that he actually was lying in bed, sore and achy and hungry. He was alone in the room, which wasn't how he remembered it, and there was a peanut butter sandwich sitting on his bedside table, apparently waiting for him. Next to it was a note, in Axel's less-than-precise handwriting - _Didn't want to wake you, but you slept through lunch, so we made you this. Hope it's still good when you wake up._ With a faint, weary groan, Demyx sat up and poked at the sandwich. The jam hadn't soaked completely through the bread yet, and he was hungry, so he picked it up and started eating. He could pick up bits and pieces of conversation from Axel's room as he ate - presumably, Axel and Roxas were in there - but he wasn't going to start listening in at the bathroom door, turnabout being fair play notwithstanding. His hearing wasn't that great even with hearing aids on, so it probably wouldn't do that much good even if he was feeling nosy. Besides, he had enough to do keeping Connie away from his sandwich. "Your food is over by the CD player, not here," he said, forced to hold the sandwich out of her reach temporarily. "Besides, you wouldn't like this anyway."

"Mrew," Connie said insistently, pawing at the sandwich in his hand.

"_No_," Demyx said more firmly, then started eating it as fast as he could just so she'd stop trying to get at it, ignoring her forlorn look. All he really accomplished was gluing his mouth shut and having to wash it out before he could keep eating, and making Connie look miserable. Well, it wasn't like she'd like peanut butter anyway, and when he got his mouth stuck shut, he could unstick it by himself, which was probably more than she could do. If she did and he tried to help, she'd probably bite him out of instinct.

...Not that he didn't appreciate Axel and Roxas's thoughtfulness, but whatever had been for lunch, he probably would have preferred that. Peanut butter was just so...meh. Or maybe that was just how he felt right now.

He ate the entire sandwich, only because he knew he needed food and to make sure there were no leftovers for Connie to get at as soon as his back was turned, then lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying to will his shoulder not to hurt. It didn't work particularly well, but it did take his mind off of other things for a few moments. That by itself was slightly encouraging, so he closed his eyes and tried to empty his mind of all thoughts for a while, including how much his shoulder hurt, substituting meditation for the pain meds he disliked so much. He soon began to feel distinctly peaceful, with a vague drifting sensation, as if he was floating on the surface of a calm lagoon. He could hear Axel and Roxas's conversation as if from miles away, and whatever they were saying couldn't have mattered less. Connie was roaming around the room, growling and tussling with some new toy or bumping some trinket or another off of wherever it had been, and she might as well have been on the far side of the castle. He didn't know or care whether or not his shoulder still hurt. Demyx was comfortably ensconced in his own self-made cocoon of peace and serenity, and had no intention of leaving any time soon.

Someone punched him in the stomach, and he doubled over instantly. Granted, it hadn't been a hard punch - so light, in fact, it wouldn't have counted if he'd been fully conscious and on his feet - but it had taken him completely by surprise. "What the fuck was that?" he demanded, holding his stomach and rubbing his eyes. Then, instinctively, he jerked backwards in fear as he saw Axel at the foot of his bed. Gods, no - please - not again - never again - he didn't know how he could take it -

"Demyx?" He blinked again. Axel was just staring at him, looking scared and a little hurt. "Come on...I barely hit you. It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"You scared me, you jackass!" Demyx snapped automatically, and was a little surprised that he'd done so. He hadn't stood up for himself to Axel in...in...how long had it been? Even for something so minor as this? "Don't fuckin' do that!" Axel actually backed up a step, raising his hands defensively, and... All of a sudden, Demyx felt strong. He'd made Axel back off with just harsh words and an angry look. "Were you trying to shock me into having a seizure or what?" he continued, rolling off the bed and standing up. Axel backed up another step, looking stricken. "I mean it, jackass! You ever do that again and I'll snap your fucking neck! You got that fucking memorized? I swear, I will make you -"

And then he heard someone laughing close by. It wasn't Axel, since Axel looked as startled by the laughter as he was. It turned out to be Roxas, who seemed to find the whole thing funny as all get out. "Demyx, Kingdom Hearts, don't eat him," he sputtered, barely able to talk for laughing. "You might want to let him go alive."

Demyx stared at him, all the wind rushing out of his sails. He was vaguely tempted to punch Roxas, for making him stop that big head of steam he had going, but...no, that was stupid. What about Axel? Axel was still...cowering a little, looking a little bit scared, not to mention confused. "Jesus Christ, Demyx, I didn't think you were gonna take it that badly..."

"Well, don't do that next time," Demyx muttered, sitting down on the bed and feeling vaguely embarrassed. He really hadn't had anything like a good reason to take Axel's head off like that, except...well, he could. Yelling at Axel like that, and making him back down even over a stupid joke...

_I'm not too weak to stand up to him. I can stand up for myself._

Maybe it was stupid. But it certainly felt good to know.

* * *

Axel was still staring at Demyx, feeling more than a little stunned. Where on God's green Earth had that come from? He'd just woken Demyx up, albeit in a less-than-gentle way, and Demyx had torn his head off for it. What had he done to deserve that?

_And...how often did I stumble in around midnight or later and beat the shit out of him because he was handy? And what did Demyx do to deserve that?_

He sighed and took a step back - this was all still preying too heavily on his mind. Despite what he'd told Roxas, he couldn't just get over himself, just like that. Who did he think he was kidding, anyway? Other than himself. With a sigh, he sank down into a sitting position on one of Demyx's sitar pillows, leaning against the desk until he realized what the knobs on the drawers were doing to his back. Did it even matter? Compared to the pain he'd caused Demyx, and the grief he caused Roxas, did getting a couple knobs ground into his spine matter at all?

Roxas tapped his leg with his foot. "Hey. You have no excuse to sit around and mope. Now look cheerful." Axel looked up listlessly at him, wishing he would go away; when that didn't happen, he "smiled" up at him with an expression somewhere between a pained grimace and a menacing snarl. "...That is nothing like cheerful."

"It's as close as I'm likely to get," Axel rasped, letting the rictus snarl fall slack and staring down at his hands. How could Roxas expect him to smile right now?

"Wow, mood swing much?" That from Demyx, who followed it up with a wadded sock. "Are you having your period or something?"

"...Demyx, the next sock you throw at me will be set on fire, got it memorized?"

Axel would have added something about the differences between genders, which gender he was, and how rich that mood swing comment was coming from someone who'd threatened to snap his neck two minutes ago, except Demyx started laughing. "All right. There's our Axel." Axel only glowered at him. "Roxas, kick his ass and see if he moves."

Axel ignored that, until Roxas actually took his advice. "Ow! Little bastard..." He pulled himself reluctantly to his feet, if only to get that bit of anatomy out of Roxas's range. "What was that for? And don't say because Demyx told you to!"

"What, that's not a good enough reason?" Roxas gave him a light shove that was probably meant to be playful, except Axel wasn't in a particularly playful mood at the moment. Right then, he was starting to feel that old familiar need for a drink, which he tried desperately to crush. That would just start all that old misery over again...but it was so tempting... "Then because you deserved it. This is not a day for sitting around and moping; I thought we'd decided that. Kingdom Hearts knows we've done enough of that lately."

"Ow," Axel repeated, sitting down in Demyx's desk chair. "I think I've earned the right to mope a little."

He was already composing his reply by the time Roxas started talking. "I thought you'd decided not to beat yourself up anymore. Besides, when you mope, you make us depressed. Is that what you want?"

Axel sighed, rolled his eyes, and let Roxas have it. "A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the morning sun can kiss the grass, but you, my friend, can kiss my ass!"

He'd been expecting Roxas to be at least mildly stunned by that astonishing (for him) bit of wit. All he got was Demyx's other sock thrown at him. "Hey, next time you wanna be witty, come up with your own insults. I came up with that. Two years ago. It shut you up, if I recall."

"Now that is stunning," Roxas said, giving Demyx a thumbs-up. "Except now that he's heard it once, it probably won't work again. I'm going to have to find some other way to shut him up, I guess."

"Hey -" Axel picked up Demyx's wadded sock and threw it at Roxas. "How and why did making me shut up become one of your major life goals?"

"Since you started pouting and moping all over again," Roxas said, trying and failing to grab Axel in a headlock. "Because do you have any idea how sick of that we are?" He might not have been tall enough to grab Axel like he wanted to, but his weight was enough to make them both overbalance and fall on Demyx's bed. Demyx just laughed out loud at both of them, without a visible hint of pain. "Here's a hint - we've had enough. Enough and then some. We need some pointless silliness once in a while, Ax. We need a chance to take a break and remind ourselves that it really is going to get better. Tomorrow we can go back to being hurt and worried and such...today, I think we've earned the right to relax."

"...Relax?" Axel repeated, as if he'd never heard the word before. Obviously, he had, but...it had lost most of its meaning to him. When he tried to consciously imagine relaxing, the accompanying mental image always included alcohol. Going out and ending up at the bar. Hanging out in the company of a six-pack. Downing a shot before kicking back. Not...not sitting around and playing Halo. Not playing with the cats while Demyx and Roxas played sitar in the background. Not just hanging around and goofing off with his little brothers, no alcohol involved.

But this...somehow seemed more natural. More right. This was the way it should be. The way it should have been all along.

_I can do this. I don't need booze to have fun anymore. I never did._

With that in mind, he grabbed Roxas and started tickling him mercilessly. Roxas squealed and squirmed and fell right off the bed, where he grabbed Demyx's previously-thrown sock and threw it at Axel's head. Axel retaliated with one of his own socks, and Demyx spontaneously decided to join the battle with a pillow to Axel's head. After that, things got a little chaotic; the chaos ended with both Axel and Roxas on the floor and Demyx still sitting on the bed, triumphantly holding up a wadded sock. All three of them were laughing their heads off. And that was just the way it should be.

* * *

AN: So how long have y'all been waiting for this? Since February of last year, I believe...and I have been working on this ever since. I like Roxas's dream, shaky about the rest of it, but I think it at least holds together and comes to some kind of conclusion. AND IT'S NOT ONE BIG GOO-BALL OF ANGST. In fact, my beta reader said something about warm fuzzy feelings.

Is this the end? Haven't decided. But it probably is.


End file.
